Why I’m Okay With Consensual Non-Monogamy in Our D/s Relationship

John Brownstone went on a date today. He has two or three more already lined up this week. The new relationship energy (NRE) is pouring off of him. I might have gotten some of it on me.

If you’re confused, we have an open relationship…consensual non-monogamy?…polyamorous? I can’t really keep up with the “right” term to use, but basically, we’re comfortable with the other having partners outside of our marriage and D/s power exchange.

As he’s much more social than I am and eager to meet people, it’s something he does in a way I’m not capable of. He pursues people he’s interested in, and I need to be pursued. But I also have trust issues so that complicates things.

So, yeah. John Brownstone had a date. No details, as that person hasn’t consented to have their business on the internet. And if they never do, that’s okay, too.

I tried to be silly on the internet about it and posted a tweet with a poll about the “appropriate” way to send off your Dominant partner when they leave on a date.

When you send your partner out on a first date with someone else, what’s the proper send-off?

Asking for…me because @SouthernSirsPl is meeting someone today, and my fingers are crossed that it works out for him and I tried to say the right thing.

— Kayla Lords (@KaylaLords) May 7, 2019

My very well-meaning friends gave sincere answers about love, safety, and fun. That’s part and parcel of every time he goes off on an adventure without me.

I needed a sassy answer. The one that lets him know I hope he has fun, and also that I’m supportive of his future kinky fuckery.

But several people made comments or asked (privately) about how I’m able to do this. That they’d like to be more open in their relationship but can’t imagine it. I don’t have concrete answers, and I’m not here to dole out polyamory advice. But for anyone curious, here’s why I’m okay with relationships John Brownstone has outside of our relationship.

I Don’t Doubt Our Love

In the early days of our relationship, it took me a while to admit that I loved him and he loved me. Even when it was clear and we said it to each other, I always had a voice in my head asking, “What if?” Would he change his mind? Was this real? Could it possibly last?

But at some point, I finally believed it down to my soul. No questions, no doubts, no wondering. He loves me. It’s that simple and that complicated. Being that sure is like having a superpower. It makes me feel invincible, We can do anything together…and survive anything, too.

I’m Not Scared of Other People in Our Lives

Most of the problems I’ve ever seen anyone have with opening up their relationship (including myself) revolve around fear. Fear of loss, fear of control, fear of being left, fear, fear, fear. My biggest fear is that the Universe will take him from me too soon because, let’s be brutally honest, he’s 18 years older than me, and I’m pushing 40.

But I’m not scared of being found wanting or of lacking something he needs. I don’t fear other people being more attractive than I am or that they suck cock better than I do. We all have our gifts and talents, and we all bring something unique to any situation. I don’t fear what other people bring, because I already know what I add.

I Love Knowing He’s Happy

In a perfect world, I’d fulfill every need John Brownstone has. But we don’t live in that world, and it’s unrealistic to think I can, or should, fulfill his every desire. There are certain things I’m not into, and there are certain activities I can’t do (for many reasons). He has desires that he has to explore on his own, and that’s okay.

While either of us could “go without” and be satisfied with just each other, there’s no reason for him to do that. Not when knowing he’s happy makes me so damn happy. It started with our first (and currently only) threesome. Watching him kiss someone else filled my Grinch-like heart with literal joy. It was my first experience with compersion, but I wouldn’t let it be my last. It felt too good.

I Know I Can Survive Alone

Let’s be very, very clear. I’ve made a deal with every deity and devil that John Brownstone and I will leave this world together, hand-in-hand, like Thelma and Louise if we have to, and I plan to live to be 100, sooooo, yeah. But I’m not worried about other relationships or of no longer being the one he loves. Why? Because I know that although my heart would shatter, I can survive on my own.

I don’t want to. The very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. But I can. And I’m at a point in my life when I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. So, if on some off-chance he falls in love with another human and doesn’t have room in his heart for me anymore (not likely, just sayin’), I want him to be happy even if that means I can’t be part of it. The thing I don’t fear (and I fear so many things) is being alone again.

We Both Know What We Have Together

All of that probably sounds too cold, cynical, or logical. If my previous worst fears about being in an open relationship ever came true, I wouldn’t feel very logical. I’d be a hot mess who emoted all over the place. But it’s easy to be logical when you’re also confident in what you’ve got.

And I’ve got the love of my life, the person I trust most in the world, and my closest confidant in John Brownstone. Also, we tick all kinds of kinky boxes for each other, so that helps. We know what we have together, and we know how important it is to both of us. After surviving previous shitty relationships, we’re not going to throw what we have away. Instead, we’ll find ways to make it work so that everyone gets what they need — even if one of us can’t provide it for the other.

We Have Ground Rules and Plenty of Communication

Let’s get down to brass tacks here. It’s fine to love each other or feel confident in our relationship. But the real reason this works (for me) is that we have very clear ground rules. For me to be comfortable, I need to know what the hell is going on. My trust issues mean I’ll never be comfortable with surprises (anxiety doesn’t help, either). Tell me what’s going on, and I’m good. Let me find out by accident, and I’m a fucking wreck.

Also, NO ONE gets to call him Daddy except me. Find another fucking title, they can’t have mine.

We communicate more than most people. Part of that is a professional hazard. If you’re going to tell other kinksters they need to communicate, it helps to walk the walk. But we also know that our D/s and our overall relationship are healthier when we talk and listen to each other. So when something is on my mind, I say it, and the same goes for him. I modulate my tone as his submissive, but I never hold back. It’s a lot harder for fear and resentment to build if everything is out in the open.

I don’t think consensual non-monogamy is a requirement for all relationships or kinky people in general. Either you’re okay with it or you’re not. Either you’re willing to try it or you’re not. But for anyone who wonders how an anxious, trust-issue-having person like me could be okay with it, now you know.

I’m not here to give polyamory advice, but if you need a resource check out Page over at Poly.Land or the amazing folx at Life on the Swingset.