Who Am I?

I am a highly sexual woman who spent most of my life ignoring that side of myself.  It took a divorce for me to decide this was an important part of who I am.

In high school I guarded my virginity with a strange fervor – only to lose it on a drunken night at age 18.  I barely remember the moment and the next few years followed the pattern established on that crazy night.  Throughout a nine year marriage, I pushed down my own sexual feelings while I dealt with life, children, stress, and finally a divorce.

When I first began this blog it was as a woman rediscovering her sexuality with the idea that I was a woman in love.  The center of my sexual fantasies centered around an old flame I reconnected with after many years, and he was my inspiration to explore myself again. I started this blog to chronicle my experiences with sexual fantasy, masturbation, and everything else I might discover.  What I learned is that I am more complicated than that. Within a short amount of time, I learned that I am a submissive woman who needs a good Dominant man.

There is strength and beauty in submission.  And with the right Dominant, there is satisfaction beyond compare.

I am a submissive woman. I am a masochistic babygirl with a loving and sadistic Daddy Dom.

And I am so much more.

Sex Blogger Kayla

As a sex blogger, I simply write about sex. Always in a positive way. Always with an eye on both teaching and learning. Always to help foster a sense of community from the highly satisfied person getting all the sex they want to the newest member of the BDSM community.

I don’t know everything about BDSM, specifically Dominance and submission, and I am always learning. Within the pages and hundreds (upon hundreds) of posts within this site, I share what I discover and learn so that someone else can benefit from my mistakes, my revelations, and yes, my kinky fuckery.

Erotic Author Kayla

I have lived with sexual fantasies in my head since before my teenage years. I read my first romance novel at too young of an age (according to my mother). I wrote fantasy stories as a child. I wrote essays as a student in high school and college. Then I got busy and stopped writing. A few years ago, during a crazy but quick divorce, I began blogging in the vanilla world. I rekindled my love of putting words together to form thoughts and pictures.

When I decided to take on the task of writing about sex, I knew I had to give voice to some of the fantasies in my head. The more I learn about my own sexuality – and how long it takes some women to get to this point (if ever), the more I knew that my fiction had to be realistic, too. Sure, the erotic scene might be pure fantasy, but the people are real. They represent myself and others I’ve met in this world who have bills to pay, children to raise, and a strong, deep desire to live a lifestyle the rest of the world doesn’t understand.

Babygirl-Submissive-Masochist Kayla

I’m a kinky freak, y’all. I have a Dominant I call “Daddy.” I like purple. I giggle. I pout. But I yearn to kneel, submit, hand over control – and I do, at every opportunity. I’m also a big ole spanko and a budding exhibitionist. I’ve been strapped to the St. Andrews cross and flogged in front of strangers. I’ve draped my body over a spanking bench and writhed in ecstasy. I also make his coffee, serve his meals, and only wear panties with permission. And I love every minute of it. Even the minutes that aren’t loveable, the darkest times of my current life, are preferable to a life without D/s.

Masturbation Kayla

I started this blog in an effort to write about masturbation as I learned about it, my body, and my own pleasure. Now I run a weekly meme called Masturbation Monday where all are encouraged to participate. You don’t have to write about masturbation, unless you want to. You can write a scene so hot it makes the reader want to masturbation. For authors, I encourage sharing of excerpts – as long as the focus stays on the story, not on book sales. And if you don’t have a website but love to write, I may even let you guest post – if you’re so inclined.

This isn’t all of who I am, but it’s a damn fine start.


  • Thanks so much for dropping into sextails, really love the blog, and love your suggestions for the award, found some true greats. Hope to see you again soon.

  • Hi there,

    Sexual frustration has been a constant concern in my life, I’ve been dealing with Premature Ejaculation my entire life, so i definitely understand your yours.

    Thanks for sharing. By the way, I’m looking for writers for my upcoming magazine, and I was wondering if you would like to join the team?

    Please do email me at: editors (at) sexthismonth (dot) com


  • Thanks for visiting evolvingdomme.wordpress.com. From your ‘About Me’ our histories are so similar. I am glad you found a path that fulfills you. It is so incredibly satisfying to see and accept your self. It has been an empowering experience for me.

  • Great musings about submissive women… not a weakness at all…
    leorah has been living as a slave for 8 years…. she adores her Master and would not trade her life with anybody. she enjoys serving and pleasing him; she is not weak, unintelligent, and she is not a doormat. she was married twice before and had incredibly dreary marriages… she is now, in love, loved, and more fulfilled than ever.

    Lovely blog.


  • i believe i just found my sister soulmate. I am on the egde of that divorce. And i to am a Rubenesque woman. I love my curves. I to am a submissive who has found her Master. And has opened up to the sensual sexuality within herself. Hello my friend.

      • i see that you are without a north star at the moment.
        I never knew i was a submissive woman. I was defiant and stong willed. But my hubands choice to become my roommate instead of my lover caused me to make choices. And in doing so i began to find my true self. there is defined power in that knowledge. I read with eagerness your words.

        • Wow, thank you…those are very meaningful sentiments…I realized today that I have no anchor…and since he can no longer be my anchor, I’m a little lost…ah well, I will make it through…there’s no other option…

  • Brilliant blog, thanks for the read. It seems you’re a few streets ahead of me, but it’s apparent I’m travelling that same path into BDSM. I’m amazed at the level of freedom the lifestyle gives the mind! Even when you’re being poked into a corner by a crazy sadist brandishing a weapon!

    • Freedom is the only way I know how to truly describe how I feel about BDSM…I feel more closed in upon when I have to participate in the vanilla world…strange how that works.

      Thanks for stopping by and reading!! 🙂

  • Maybe I need a woman’s perspective on my problem. I have been following your site and several others for months trying to figure out a way to introduce D/s into my marriage. I dont know what to do tho because my wife thinks the stuff you and others do is weird. I don’t. I think its in me. I just dont know how to introduce this in a way she would accept. I have tried in the past and I just keep failing. I dont mean to bleed all over your blog here but I dont know what to do. Your a woman, maybe your view would help me get to where I want to get to. Oh well, no one else has responded to me yet, I guess I dont know enough about how this stuff works. Do I need to ask your master’s permission or something to talk to you? Thanks- Adom

    • No, you don’t need his permission to talk to me. We don’t roll like that.

      Without more information, I’m not sure I can give you any sound advice. What exactly does she think is weird about D/s? The nice thing about the lifestyle is that it’s sort of like an all-you-can-eat buffet. There are a million different options, and you don’t have to try everything.

      You are welcome to talk to me anytime, but for actual advice you can use, I would actually suggest talking to my Daddy. He has a contact page on his website (he’s very friendly and welcomes questions like yours, I promise!). His page is http://southernsirsplace.com.

      I wish I could be more help. The biggest part of D/s is communication – full, open, and honest. Which means talking about things that are uncomfortable, too. If you can start there, and if she’s open to telling you why she thinks something is weird, then you’re headed in the right direction.

  • I reread The Adventures of Sir and Babygirl not to long ago. Each time I read I am learning more about the feeling I had but had no way to express them with anyone. Know I have someone who understand totally. Kind of scares me that I just melt when he says something, but if someone else was to say it I would look at them like I was going to kill them.

    • That last statement is something I get completely. I’m not just anyone’s submissive and babygirl. I’m Daddy’s. Only he can say certain things and cause a reaction.

      However you came to these realizations, I’m glad you did. I’m humbled that my book helped. Keep reading and don’t be afraid of some of the commenters – they’re feisty but loving. Reach out and keep learning about yourself. We all started somewhere.


  • I am in a wonderful marriage and love my wife dearly. Yet she has not been willing to have sex for almost two years now. She says she simply isn’t interested. I am not worried that she is having an affair. And that is not what I want either. I want to be with her.

    Any suggestions?

    I have tried almost everything I can think of, from love letters to flowers to doing the dishes to romantic dinners and so much more. Nothing seems to interest her anymore. While masturbation is great, it is getting a bit repetitive without anything to spice things up.

    Mr. Frustrated

    • This may have been number 1 on your list, but have you talked to her about it? Asked her what she needs or wants from you? If everything is good in the rest of your marriage, it could be any number of things. Without knowing you or her, I would hesitate to suggest anything. Sometimes we start doing things that we think the other person will like or want – instead of asking them what they need and want from us. The best advice I can give for that is to be open, honest, non-judgemental, and let her know that you honestly want to hear what she has to say – and then be those things: open, honest, and non-judgey. I wish I knew of a magic button, but in my experience, it often comes down to communication.

  • So happy to have found you. I do truly look forward to your posts and our connection.

    I am new to the writing but in the LS for fourteen years.

    Rock on Kayla…


  • Hi,

    I appreciate your visit, again. Just wanted to say I explored your work, and then I began to connect your links, and then I quickly moved myself to a discreet location of my coffee shop, and became lost in a world of wanton sexual release – so delightful. I hope we can dialogue sometime.


  • hi, I wanted to peruse your links but you have taken them down. I hope you didn’t do so on my account. Wanton and bored over here on this chilly night. 🙂

    • I haven’t touched my site in ages so I’m positive I haven’t taken any links down. The algorithm that determines “related posts” under each post updates with each new published post so you may see some differences there. If that’s not it, let me know what’s missing and I’ll see if I can track it down.

  • I just started listening to your podcasts a couple of months ago, I just love them. My husband and I just getting back on track and your podcasts have helped tremendously. In fact it has helped him to discover his Daddy Dom side and is completely happy with it, on the other hand I am having a little bit of a hard time being a baby girl. I am coming along and I am liking how this is starting to feel so right. Keep up the good work, it’s amazing and I look forward to listening more and catching up with your blog post.

  • Kayla, I always MM and love to contribute. I didn’t intend to post two this week, but after I posted the first one, which was mainly to try to contact as many as possible about available 8mm porn I have, I kept thinking about this weeks prompt. You always find such intense sexual images for prompts, that are instant turn ons, even when it’s men stroking each other which is not my thing… or let’s say never has been. I had to try the toothbrush and share my photo. So I apologize for doing two. Elliott

    • It’s okay, I promise. And I’m not ignoring my duties as meme-monitor. I will read and comment on the posts as soon as I can. I haven’t been feeling well this week so I may make it a MM marathon next Monday. 🙂

  • We love you blog! It’s so nice to find a blog tha I like reading and sharing with the girls and that are Dom (Our grumy frog) is 100% happy for us to read! He said your daddy should be extremely proud of his baby girl, for writing a fun, interesting and educational blog! It’s made us try new stuff , challenge are thinking and have fun!

    Thanks you ,
    H, Nikie , babe and little bear,
    X x x x x x

  • First I would like to say Thank You.

    To give a short background, I am in a committed BDSM, Daddy/little girl relationship. We have been together for four years. Recently (the last two years) I feel I have lost my way as her Daddy.

    I moved back near my parents (long story in itself) and started and failed in two businesses. The failing of the second business killed all feelings of worthiness in me and I lost my drive to be who I am.

    Your blog “Loving BDSM” is instrumental in me reconnecting not just with my baby girl but also my true self.

    So yes this rambled and was a little A.D.D. but I am not a master of the English language as you are.

    So Thank You, and Thank you John Brownstone I relate to your contributions to Loving BDSM.

  • […] Kayla Lords ran a session talking about how to find time to write and some of it was stuff I’d heard before about writing (making your muse come to you, instead of waiting for “inspiration” is a key one of those), and some I’d worked out myself to cope with when I have day job to deal with. (Day job is never my “real” job in my mind; that space belongs squarely to my creative pursuits of music and writing.) But hearing how to do it deliberately (the stuff about sorting your goals into “Big Hairy-Ass”, “Medium” and “Small”, for example) was still an eyeopener in many ways and, who knows, maybe I will be better able to get my projects under way this time around. Her presentation also dovetailed neatly with a lot of the issues raised in the Anxious Writers session on Sunday. […]

  • Hello Kayla, i am new to thinking of myself as a submissive kinkster. However, as you noted in your blog entry on tasks and your feelings of failure when you don’t complete an assigned task, i often wonder if i am just confused about who or what i am. Unfortunately i have never had the experience of actually being part of a real D/s relationship or even knowing a Dominant well.

    i joined the Bellingham Sex Positive Center and paid for a 3-month membership last December. While i was a member, i met one other gay man who was a masochistic submissive. i had wanted to find friendships at the center, and along the way try some kinky play. He was into impact play, and even though his normal thing was receiving, he quite happily (i think) offered to demonstrate a number of impact toys using me as sub. He did in fact introduce me to 2 or 3 floggers and couple of other toys over about half an hour. i truly appreciated his friendliness and willingness to talk and demonstrate. Unfortunately perhaps for both of us, i think he and i were perhaps the only active gay male members at that time. At one point he kind of suggested we just needed to hang in there and wait for the gay involvement to grow.

    One point of confusion for me is how as a gay man could he enjoy being dominated and subjected to various bondage and pain experiences regardless of his Dominant’s gender or sexual orientation. Some months ago i met a local man through Recon, who was interested in being bound for hours at a time, and needed a play partner to put him into real bondage and take responsibility for his safety and his release. i would love to have tried that with him as a reciprocal arrangement, but was put off by his own apparent confusion about whether he was even gay.

    i guess what i learned about myself and i suspect a lot of other gay men is that for me my submission only seems to make sense in the context of a gay male D/s relationship, and that relationship has to involve at least some element of being dominated sexually. i did enjoy my short friendship with my gay BSPC co-member. (He moved to another city to be closer to his boyfriend.) We might have developed a friendship connection, but without a Dominant, it wouldn’t have fulfilled my primary bdsm intent — i.e. to find a gay male Dominant for an exciting, interesting, and arousing D/s relationship.

    i guess i am wondering and hoping that you might somehow bring some clarity to my confusion, and perhaps point me in some direction where i might be more successful in connecting with a gay male Dominant. At the same time i am wondering how your perspective could be any more elucidating if your experience with gay men is as isolated as that of the senior BSPC members i met. Am i queerer than most kinksters in that bdsm doesn’t hold much meaning for me outside of a gay male D/s relationship? Do most gay male bdsmers search for isolated places where they find only that specific sex and sexual orientation (i.e. just other gay men)? If so, why are they apparently not willing to even share a space with other genders and sexual orientations?

    • Hi there! I’m so glad you found the blog and that it’s been even remotely helpful.

      I can’t speak to the gay experience except that a lot of one part of D/s culture known as Old Guard actually comes from the gay BDSM community post-WWII, so there are entire communities out there, and D/s as part of gay relationships is not at all uncommon.

      What I can tell you is that wanting D/s as part of a relationship (not just play or a sometimes kind of thing) isn’t rare, in my experience. Plenty of people want their D/s to be part of their relationship and look specifically for partners who fit their need. So a submissive looks for a Dominant, and a Dominant looks for a submissive, and they find what works for them in a D/s power exchange. So needing that doesn’t make you queerer from my perspective because I need that and I’m (mostly) straight.

      But I can’t keep speak for or about the gay kink community which may have different facets that I haven’t experienced or learned about. I wish I could provide good resources for you to find that community — beyond the oft mentioned Fetlife, (possibly) Grindr, and typical kinky dating sites. Fetlife is good for looking for local community groups which may help you connect to the wider community and help you connect with potential partners.

  • Hi Kayla,
    I’m fairly new to the lifestyle and I identify as a submissive. I am wondering is the lifestyle only for people that are polyamorous. I one hundred percent identify as a submissive and love everything about a D/s M/s dynamic, but I am a monogamous individual. Is the lifestyle not for me because I am not polyamorous?

    • While there is definitely overlap between the kink community and the polyamorous community, there is zero requirement that one follows the other. Plenty of kinksters are strictly or mostly monogamous and very happy in their kinky lives. As a submissive, you can be monogamous and in a happy, fulfilling D/s relationship.

  • Hi Kayla,
    I’ve been binge listening to your podcasts to and from work (45 minutes each way) for the last week and found them both educational and fun. I love the dynamic that you and John Brownstone have.

    I’m new to the lifestyle (a whole six weeks since I accidentally stumbled upon Fetlife-serendipity I think).

    I’m a real sponge and love to learn and just wanted to thank you for all the time and effort you put into putting the podcasts together for the benefit of us listeners especially us newbies.

    Kindest regards

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