For someone who spent most of her high school years guarding her virginity like it was a priceless entity, I’ve become loose with the term as an adult.
I was a coffee-virgin – until John Brownstone showed me how to drink it and like it.
I was a kink-virgin.
I was a BDSM dungeon virgin until I wasn’t.
I was a Doctor Who virgin until last year (and I became an immediate convert).
To me, being a virgin just means I haven’t done something yet, lacking experience.
Yes, yes, I know, I know. “Virgin” refers to a lack of sexual activity. But since no one can agree on when and where you can lose your virginity anymore, I have no qualms about using it liberally in non-sexual discourse. Are you still a virgin if you have anal or oral sex? Or does any penetration take away your virginity? What about fingering? Ahhhhhh! I say someone is no longer a virgin when they say they’re not a virgin anymore.
If we use the definition that we’ve applied to popular culture of simply a lack of experience (typically sexual), can you truly lose your virginity? I hope we’re not all talking about the removal of a hymen as proof of “losing virginity” because not everyone has a hymen.
And if we define it as “losing your sexual inexperience,” doesn’t that mean – conversely – you’re gaining something?
So where am I going with this? Hell if I know.
I’m glad I didn’t “lose” my virginity before I was 18. Knowing who I was back then, I probably wouldn’t have handled it very well. I either would have been riddled with guilt or I would have gone buck wild and fucked almost any interested and willing partner with a cock – which is what I did. At 18, I could sort of handle it, but any earlier than that, and I probably would have wound up pregnant.
But I also don’t think virginity is something to guard as if it’s the most precious thing about who we are. Our innocence, our consent, our sense of self-worth and self-preservation – those are precious and special.
Our virginity is a state of being, one only we can define. Yes, it can define our innocence and when taken brutally and without consent, it is an awful violation. (But when non-virgin sex is taken without consent, it’s still an awful violation.)
Am I going to freak out if my kids (both boys) have sex at “too young” an age? Definitely. Can I define “too young?” Not really. Age 14 or younger definitely feels too young. But hell, when they’re 16 or 18 or 25, I might think they’re too young. But, in my freak out, will I degrade them, call them names, or tie their sense of worth to whether they’re virgins or not? Uh…no.
Do I think they should wait for marriage? Nope. I think they should wait until they’re ready. And by ready, I mean able to take responsibility for their actions and make responsible decisions – like understanding consent, wearing a condom, and not being a total douche and leaving in the middle of the night without a word. Do I really think that will happen if they have sex while in high school? Probably not. Except the condom thing. They better use a damn condom. Double-bag it, if necessary.
But will they lose worth in my eyes or their own once they’re no longer a virgin? Hell no. Once I figure it out (and I’m a Mom, we always figure stuff out eventually), they’ll gain more than sexual experience. They’ll gain someone who reminds them to take condoms with them when they go out, who takes them to get tested every several months, and who constantly reminds them how babies are made. Basically, I’ll be the best sex-deterrent I know how to be…
Not because I think sex under a certain age or outside of marriage is wrong. But there are very real consequences that come with sexual activity, and until they’re ready to assume those responsibilities, I’m gonna ride their ass about being safe.
And, at the same time, I’ll continue my irreverence with all things “virgin.” I’m still a menage virgin, a tandem bike virgin, and a Trenta Frappucino virgin (but I’m a Venti frap whore, lol).
Instead of guarding the lack of experience like we’re security guards at a Las Vegas casino, let’s have real conversations about sexual activity and safety. Because, let’s face it, people are gonna have sex – sometimes at ages those of us with more experience consider much too young. We could shame them – which solves nothing. Or we could help them protect themselves which is a better outcome for everyone.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is “Virgin(ity).” I’m still feeling a little unsexy, so here you go. My only vaguely informed thoughts on all things virgin. As someone with two kids, 10 and 6, it’s something that’s on the radar but not the way it will be once puberty hits. The oldest isn’t ready to talk about certain things with me but he knows he can ask anything. So far, sex and being a virgin haven’t come up in conversation…yet.