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Why I’m Okay With Consensual Non-Monogamy in Our D/s Relationship

Why I'm Okay With Consensual Non-Monogamy in Our D/s Relationship

John Brownstone went on a date today. He has two or three more already lined up this week. The new relationship energy (NRE) is pouring off of him. I might have gotten some of it on me.

If you’re confused, we have an open relationship…consensual non-monogamy?…polyamorous? I can’t really keep up with the “right” term to use, but basically, we’re comfortable with the other having partners outside of our marriage and D/s power exchange.

As he’s much more social than I am and eager to meet people, it’s something he does in a way I’m not capable of. He pursues people he’s interested in, and I need to be pursued. But I also have trust issues so that complicates things.

So, yeah. John Brownstone had a date. No details, as that person hasn’t consented to have their business on the internet. And if they never do, that’s okay, too.

I tried to be silly on the internet about it and posted a tweet with a poll about the “appropriate” way to send off your Dominant partner when they leave on a date.

My very well-meaning friends gave sincere answers about love, safety, and fun. That’s part and parcel of every time he goes off on an adventure without me.

I needed a sassy answer. The one that lets him know I hope he has fun, and also that I’m supportive of his future kinky fuckery.

But several people made comments or asked (privately) about how I’m able to do this. That they’d like to be more open in their relationship but can’t imagine it. I don’t have concrete answers, and I’m not here to dole out polyamory advice. But for anyone curious, here’s why I’m okay with relationships John Brownstone has outside of our relationship.

I Don’t Doubt Our Love

In the early days of our relationship, it took me a while to admit that I loved him and he loved me. Even when it was clear and we said it to each other, I always had a voice in my head asking, “What if?” Would he change his mind? Was this real? Could it possibly last?

But at some point, I finally believed it down to my soul. No questions, no doubts, no wondering. He loves me. It’s that simple and that complicated. Being that sure is like having a superpower. It makes me feel invincible, We can do anything together…and survive anything, too.

I’m Not Scared of Other People in Our Lives

Most of the problems I’ve ever seen anyone have with opening up their relationship (including myself) revolve around fear. Fear of loss, fear of control, fear of being left, fear, fear, fear. My biggest fear is that the Universe will take him from me too soon because, let’s be brutally honest, he’s 18 years older than me, and I’m pushing 40.

But I’m not scared of being found wanting or of lacking something he needs. I don’t fear other people being more attractive than I am or that they suck cock better than I do. We all have our gifts and talents, and we all bring something unique to any situation. I don’t fear what other people bring, because I already know what I add.

I Love Knowing He’s Happy

In a perfect world, I’d fulfill every need John Brownstone has. But we don’t live in that world, and it’s unrealistic to think I can, or should, fulfill his every desire. There are certain things I’m not into, and there are certain activities I can’t do (for many reasons). He has desires that he has to explore on his own, and that’s okay.

While either of us could “go without” and be satisfied with just each other, there’s no reason for him to do that. Not when knowing he’s happy makes me so damn happy. It started with our first (and currently only) threesome. Watching him kiss someone else filled my Grinch-like heart with literal joy. It was my first experience with compersion, but I wouldn’t let it be my last. It felt too good.

I Know I Can Survive Alone

Let’s be very, very clear. I’ve made a deal with every deity and devil that John Brownstone and I will leave this world together, hand-in-hand, like Thelma and Louise if we have to, and I plan to live to be 100, sooooo, yeah. But I’m not worried about other relationships or of no longer being the one he loves. Why? Because I know that although my heart would shatter, I can survive on my own.

I don’t want to. The very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. But I can. And I’m at a point in my life when I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. So, if on some off-chance he falls in love with another human and doesn’t have room in his heart for me anymore (not likely, just sayin’), I want him to be happy even if that means I can’t be part of it. The thing I don’t fear (and I fear so many things) is being alone again.

We Both Know What We Have Together

All of that probably sounds too cold, cynical, or logical. If my previous worst fears about being in an open relationship ever came true, I wouldn’t feel very logical. I’d be a hot mess who emoted all over the place. But it’s easy to be logical when you’re also confident in what you’ve got.

And I’ve got the love of my life, the person I trust most in the world, and my closest confidant in John Brownstone. Also, we tick all kinds of kinky boxes for each other, so that helps. We know what we have together, and we know how important it is to both of us. After surviving previous shitty relationships, we’re not going to throw what we have away. Instead, we’ll find ways to make it work so that everyone gets what they need — even if one of us can’t provide it for the other.

We Have Ground Rules and Plenty of Communication

Let’s get down to brass tacks here. It’s fine to love each other or feel confident in our relationship. But the real reason this works (for me) is that we have very clear ground rules. For me to be comfortable, I need to know what the hell is going on. My trust issues mean I’ll never be comfortable with surprises (anxiety doesn’t help, either). Tell me what’s going on, and I’m good. Let me find out by accident, and I’m a fucking wreck.

Also, NO ONE gets to call him Daddy except me. Find another fucking title, they can’t have mine.

We communicate more than most people. Part of that is a professional hazard. If you’re going to tell other kinksters they need to communicate, it helps to walk the walk. But we also know that our D/s and our overall relationship are healthier when we talk and listen to each other. So when something is on my mind, I say it, and the same goes for him. I modulate my tone as his submissive, but I never hold back. It’s a lot harder for fear and resentment to build if everything is out in the open.

I don’t think consensual non-monogamy is a requirement for all relationships or kinky people in general. Either you’re okay with it or you’re not. Either you’re willing to try it or you’re not. But for anyone who wonders how an anxious, trust-issue-having person like me could be okay with it, now you know.

I’m not here to give polyamory advice, but if you need a resource check out Page over at Poly.Land or the amazing folx at Life on the Swingset.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

22 Comments

  • Thank you for the window into your relationship and how your love of each other is able to spread out to additional partners.

    As someone who isn’t sure where she sits on the mono/poly spectrum I love reading posts like this for gaining a new perspective.

    • Thank you so much! A few years ago I would have said I didn’t have a poly bone in my body…now I know that’s definitely not true for myself. We all grow in different ways and in different directions. 🙂

  • Im struggling so hard with this. I really want my Dom to be happy. I am monogamous, he has been mostly poly. He says he’s willing to be monogamous with me but at the same time he has always dreamed about having his own Haus with a romantic slaves. Although he is currently monogamous I know that he is not completely happy with it. He is probably one of the best man that I have ever met and he treats me well. I have trust issues from my first marriage, fear issues, and issues of inadequacy. I really want to be OK with him pursuing other relationships without feeling like I will lose him. I don’t know how to do this. Reading your blog has helped. My first husband actually passed (I became a widow at 31) away. So although it would hurt to lose him, like you I do know that I can be alone.

    It is also uber hard to find someone that is monogamous like me in the kink world. So I’m totally at a loss.

    • Many of the people I know in my local kink community are monogamous and can’t imagine a poly life. You’re a lot less alone in that than you think you are. Yes, online, it feels highly prevalent because a lot of people talk about it…but it’s not that all kinky people are poly. It’s that monogamous people rarely feel the need to SAY they’re monogamous because it’s considered the “norm.” They don’t have to identify themselves to anyone…others would assume they are.

      Also, it’s got to be right for BOTH of you, not just him. While there are struggles in anything new we do, it shouldn’t be agonizing for you either. We didn’t start out in an open relationship…it was something that developed over time. So the big thing is to let this relationship develop and learn to trust each other, and then see how it goes and how you feel about it. And if he’s not pressuring you into it and is telling you that he’s fine, you’ve got to find a way to trust that. I got over those kinds of trust issues by looking at it from a D/s perspective. If I’m doubting what my Dominant tells me (from fear, lack of trust, etc) then I’m saying he’s wrong. Since I didn’t think that was true (and it didn’t make me feel submissive to think that way), I either had to accept that he was telling the truth or tell him that I didn’t believe him. I went with believing him until something happened to change that belief (and for us, nothing did). It was how trust could grow between us.

  • This is a great view of a non-monogamous relationship. (How did I not realize this about you guys?!) So many points in this I could highlight. Thanks for the logical and clear info. (of course, we all know if something scary happens logic goes out the window, but we deal with that later!)

    You rock! <3

  • Thank you for writing this post. You’ve shown me there’s hope, with me being an anxious, trust-issue-having person myself.
    My Dominant and I have not been on dates yet, but I’m glad to read that we’re good communication-wise 🙂
    And it’s good to read that even someone with trust-issues can deal with whatever feelings of jealousy may arise.
    Thanks!

    • You’re so welcome! Feeling joy at his pleasure (that I’m not actively a part of) made a lot of difference. I used to say I was a jealous person who didn’t share, but, apparently, that’s not quite true. 🙂

  • I appreciate how you articulate the way you feel and how you work out these situations. A brief window into the inner workings of your mind. I resonate with the whys and how you are able to do this. Thank you for being vulnerable and open into a topic like this.

  • This post totally intrigued me, as I have been wondering about consensual non-monogamy many times, in the way that we do it where we are always together, but also how it could work in future for our situation…

    Rebel xox

    • I would definitely be interested to see how it could work in your relationship. It would be unique to the two of you but very interesting to see, especially if you were able to get some of your needs met in a new way.

  • I think your relationship is Fab, the Bomb. My wife and I have had basically the same for 41 years. We must be doing something right. All that is asked is basic info such as ph# of person involved and address of where the date is taking place. For safety reasons. (just encase)
    High five to you both

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