Submissives Are Too Hard On Ourselves

what is a submissive

My workload is increasing every day. The carefully cultivated routines I’ve put in place that allow me to work, write, be the mom, cook the food, take care of my men-folk (both big and little), and still be the kinky woman I want to be are starting to unravel.

It’s all a positive thing. More business means more money means re-building our savings and not feeling like we’re one disaster away from living in a cardboard box.

I’m making progress in my career, building something to be proud of, writing my fool fingers off, and having a great time doing it. Life is pretty freaking good.

And I’m freaking out.

Of course I am, but probably not the for normal, wow-my-dreams-are-coming-true reasons you might expect. Nope, I’m completely on edge for different reasons.

John Brownstone helps me get dinner on the table and clears the dinner table almost every night now.

Oh, you thought I might mention working extra hours, not spending enough time with my family, or maybe even worrying about this all being too-good-to-be-true as legitimate reasons to freak out? Don’t be silly. I’m a submissive (and a darn good one, thank you very much). My freak outs are never what you think they’ll be.

Nope, I’m freaking out because my Daddy Dominant is doing what I consider my job and responsibility.

And I have no doubt there are submissives out there right now, nodding their heads, completely understanding why I’m on edge.

These are My Responsibilities

I’m a submissive. I’m his submissive. He has expectations. I’ve set some of them simply by doing what I do. He’s set others, most as tasks, others as part of my role. The only ones that really matter are the expectations he has, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take my own self-appointed responsibilities very seriously.

For me (and I’m just one submissive with one opinion), I should be able to do All The Things…All The Time.Which is ridiculous, of course. Everyone needs help from time to time. This is one of those times.

“I feel bad that you’re helping me set the table.”

I swear he looked at me like I’d grown an extra head. He shook his head at me, continued what he was doing, and then gave me a clear warning look that said, “Do not tumble down the damn rabbit hole over this.”

It’s one small thing. It’s not like I’m asking him to make the bed every day for me, bathe the six year old, or go to the grocery store (all of which he’s done for me from time to time). I didn’t actually ask for help. He saw my need and a way to help and jumped in. It’s the mark of an excellent partner and a damn fine man. I’m a lucky woman, and I know it.

But some small part of me worries over it, chews on it, and feels like if I just moved a little faster, focused a little more, and stayed on my feet a little longer, I could get it all done without having to bother him.

As Submissives, We’re Too Damn Hard on Ourselves

To be clear, I’m talking about those of us who’ve taken our D/s outside of the bedroom. At least, I think I am. Maybe this happens to bedroom submissives, too.

All I know is that good submissives want to please our Dominants – even when we’re with the wrong Dominant, we’ll twist ourselves into a pretzel to make them happy. One small slip and we think we’ve ruined everything forever. (If one small mistake ruins everything, you’re with an asshole…just sayin’.)

We set the bar pretty high for ourselves. Higher than our Dominants do. I think, for me at least, it’s a source of pride to anticipate his needs (a sticky thing that takes time to get right), take care of his (unspoken) wants, and be his “good girl.” Now, I have enough common sense to know that I’m almost always his good girl, and that all he needs me to do is what he’s asked of me – which is plenty.

But, like many submissives I’ve met, I’m an overachiever. He wants a glass of water? It’ll be in the cleanest glass with the coldest ice, and he’ll have it faster than he thought possible. Oh, he wants me on my knees? No problem! I’m on my knees, naked, arching my back, offering myself to him – because I know (or think) it will make him happy.

And when I don’t get it perfectly, exactly, 100 percent right…clearly, I’ve failed. (That’s sarcasm, y’all.)

So yes, watching him set the table as I finish up dinner as part of another chaotic evening both fills my heart with joy and makes me gnaw on my lower lip. Because I’ve got this misplaced notion I’m supposed to be able to do All The Things Always.

I’m going to give myself the advice I’d give any submissive going through the same thing…

Get over it. You’re not perfect and you never will be. But you are perfect for him, and clearly he’s one of the amazing ones out there. Be grateful for the help. Say, “Thank you, Daddy.” Stop being so hard on yourself. And realize that if he’s helping you with this now, that leaves more time for you to be his kinky submissive later.

Oh, and if anyone else can relate to this, read that bit of advice for yourself. There’s no need for us to be so damn hard on ourselves.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • There’s one word you are leaving out. This is a partnership. In a good partnership each partners goals is to do whatever needs to be done to keep the partnership running smoothly. He wants to meet your needs as much as you want to meet his. A nervous, overworked, crazy sub, is not a happy sub. As your Dom, he feels the same joy in doing for you as you feel when you do for him. Let him take care of you, enjoy it, appreciate it, never take it for granted and realize how lucky you are. I’m telling you this from experience. I was you. I never asked for help. I was a control freak over all things I considered “my job”. Now we work together and we are more connected than ever. It’s a true partnership.

      • We all do. We are only human. I tried for many years to be super women. You know what? It’s so much more freeing to allow myself to be vulnerable and accept the help. In a way I feel more submissive.

  • I chant to myself, when I get in this place (which is more than I like as well), “Daddy gets to decide.” Eventually I’ll buy it instead of beating myself up. Hugs, girlfriend!

  • Sometimes taking our own advice is one of the hardest things we do. We can see it when others start to fall down the rabbit hole, but sometimes we’re halfway down ourselves before we notice we’re scrambling to get out. Great article, Kayla.

  • I get every word of this. My job keeps me so busy now and Coach is doing more around the house and it make me feel like I’ve failed. He has been easier with Dom demands/requests and I don’t like it one freaking bit.

    • First of all, you can’t haven’t failed.
      Second, I both *hate* and appreciate when they’re easier on the demands – if that makes sense.
      Third…me neither.


  • You’re articles are so fascinating. I’m a girl who is dominant/vanilla/kinda submissive and listening to a submissive woman explain how they feel is so interesting. As I can’t relate to feeling like wanting to do eveything for someone else. I know everyone is different so I like hearing different points of view.

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