I always wanted a partner, someone I could depend on, someone who understood me and supported me. I wanted to give that back to someone worthy. Thankfully, I have John Brownstone.
What I never realized I wanted or cared about was being part of a team. A dynamic duo, if you will. But I’ve learned that having a partner in a relationship – a good one – means that it can be the two of you against the world. It’s not just about someone having your back and watching out for you (and vice versa), it’s also about the person who gets into the trenches with you and works just as hard as you do.
I have that now.
This isn’t about kink or vanilla. This isn’t about BDSM. This is about finding the right person, building a team and a partnership – instead of just a relationship.
Everything is a Test
Everyone’s been in that shitty relationship (or several, sad to say) where every expectation you had was shattered. Whether you carried your own weight or just didn’t feel supported, you were let down too many times to count. I know the feeling. So does Daddy. We had spouses that weren’t good for us (maybe they’re good for someone else). I worked all the time – my ex never worked. I asked for help, and I didn’t receive it. Daddy didn’t do all the work, but he had zero emotional, financial, or even physical support. He was shown zero respect – as a person and as a husband and father.
When you have experiences like that, everyone that comes afterwards is put to tests, most of which are only in your head, many of which are so mundane you may never even mention them.
She said she’d remember to pick that up from the store. Will she?
He said he’d fix the vacuum for me. Will he?
We need to pay this bill. Buy that item. Do that thing. Will it actually happen?
Even if you never, ever say a word, if you’re anything like me, you’re watching and waiting to see what the other person does. Will they be like everyone else you’ve ever met? Will they be different? And if so, how?
You’d think, after all this time together, Daddy and I wouldn’t keep doing this. But every time we embark on a new adventure together, a new phase in our relationship, we’re watching and waiting. I think it’s safe to say we’d be surprised if the other didn’t pass the test, because it hasn’t happened yet, but there are still those momentary comparisons to old relationships and old memories. When we pass, we grow closer. When we’re disappointed in the other, we can talk about it – and we do better next time. It’s a beautiful thing.
Wallpaper is the Devil
We bought a condo. Okay, full disclosure, Daddy bought a condo. I’ve got too much credit-hell history right now to finance a stick of gum, but, he keeps telling me it’s my home too, and I believe it. (I may or may not tease that he only keeps me around because I keep feeding him.)
Even when we weren’t sure it was going to happen, the Universe kept surprising us. We had to work hard, pool our money, and look long and hard until we found the exact right place. Nice part of town, closer to our kinky friends and our preferred dungeon. Quiet area with the ability to avoid the big highway completely. A ground floor, one story villa condo – no worries about lawn maintenance, the roof, AND finally, for the first time in four years, no more damn stairs to climb. Yeah, I’m happy.
But it needed work. Thirty year old wallpaper, 30 year old carpet (y’all, it was just gross), and dust and grime built up from at least a year of neglect. To be fair, the former owner has Parkinson’s, lost her husband a year ago, and just couldn’t take care of the place anymore. So I’m not mad, but work was needed.
I’ve never had a partner who worked as hard as I did. I’m usually the one still going when others need to take a break or call it a day. Girl with a goal, remember? But not Daddy. While I spent an entire weekend tackling wallpaper (which is the devil, y’all), he pulled up carpet and padding. While I spent a weekend painting rooms (a beautiful warm brown/coppery color with white trim), he spent the weekend working with a friend putting in new flooring. We didn’t work side-by-side (not our preference as full-blown introverts) but we each worked hard individually to reach our mutual goal.
For the Right Person, You Can Do Anything
Eight of the nine days of this year’s Spring Break were spent working. I woke up at 4am most mornings, and he wasn’t far behind. We got ready for another day, and too many hours later, collapsed into bed, asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillows. But every day, we made more progress. It was grueling but amazing.
Sometimes we just sat down for a few minutes, gulping down something cold to drink and breathing, enjoying the peace and quiet of our new neighborhood. In those small, quiet moments, we discussed our progress…and often our surprise. I waited for him to sit down while I worked. I waited for complaints. I waited for some reason to make him bow out. He waited for me to tell him this wasn’t my problem. He waited for me to decide what I wanted to do was more important than the task at hand.
Thankfully, we waited in vain. Admitting we were testing each other wasn’t the surprise. Discovering our delight that the other passed was – silly us, we should have known better.
If you ever want to know if you’re with the right person, one of the questions to ask yourself is: What would I be willing to do for them? How tired would I let myself become? How hard would I work? What would I sacrifice?
On the flip side, ask yourself one question. Would they do the same for me?
Its strange, I never noticed how much I expected of my previous relationship that I did get but am getting now. And people have told me it isn’t right to compare the two, because they’re different people in different places. But you’re right, sometimes you just can’t help it.
I’d say it’s not fair to compare the people and their specific characteristics and traits, because no one is exactly alike. But I think it’s completely fair to compare how you’re treated and whether you’re having your needs met or not – especially if previous relationships were less than satisfying. It’s a nice revelation to realize you’re being treated the way you WANT to be treated especially if you’re giving that back in return. 🙂
Kayla,
I totally see myself in this….I get it. I’ll bet my Daddy does too. Last night I had a really bad sinus headache. The second I told him that I had already tried advil and didn’t have what I really needed, his keys were in hand and he was out the door.
And, yet again I found myself simply stunned at his love for me and how he shows it.
We aren’t perfect for sure…. but you are right. It’s what you’re willing to do for each other and your love that counts.
So happy for you both! A new home is so exciting!!
XO
For the first time, a new home *is* exciting. For once, even SSir is feeling a bit impatient to get moved in. /giggles
It really is the little things, isn’t it? I’m glad you have that kind of love in your life, too. ((HUGS))
I’ve been with Mr. HH decades and I still test. It’s not fair, but there are so many ghosts. I can say that some things are resolved in my head and I don’t worry about them (like adultery), but others do. A good partner gets you and knows it isn’t personal, it’s a strange self-preservation behavior. I’m thankful to have the best man on the planet walking with me through those days.
So excited for your new place! Our house is a century old one and we are always working on it. (Separately, too.) nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. Oh, and our house is in MY name. Giggles.
Self-preservation…exactly. That and not really believing that this is real or that I can really know and love such a good man (ahem, even after decades, I see.).
This isn’t our forever home, but it’s shaping up nicely to be something we can be proud of. I’m ready for the work to be over, though. I’m not usually one for home repairs, lol.
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Thank you!!
It can be hard not to look to see if the follow through will be there. I do it way more than Coach because I was the one who was previously married and got burned. Both of us had familes that not only let us down, but did some really hurtful things so we carry that around. We came to our senses about all of this close to 14 years ago, but spent 14 years before that always waiting for the shoe to fall. The two of you are in such a great place because you entered into your relationship with a better understanding and all your cards on the table. You know what you need to work on and the parameters of your partnership are defined and understood. You both know who you are in all of this and that is powerful.
Enjoy putting love into your new home. You are creating wonderful memories and your kids will remember how you model this. My parents were at their best when they were working on the house together. My dad and uncle built our house, only hiring out when absolutely necessary. My parents did all the interior finishes. I learned a lot and I am the one who is more the carpenter. Coach had a family that had the money to pay contractors and handimen. I am going to attempt putting in the new floors myself in August. Coach is handling the landscaping, something he’s far better at than I. We always paint together and he always helps me clean. We have a good partnership that way as well.
Our biggest issue to combat, I think, is when we question one another based on past experiences. I asked SSir about why he was doing something a certain way, and he immediately became defensive. I had to explain that I wasn’t judging, simply curious because I didn’t know how it worked. Those kinds of moments crop up unexpectedly…and usually when we’re tired. 🙂
SSir gets the landscaping, too. But putting in a floor? You go, woman!
I think one of the fallacies of relationships and partnerships is that to work together, you have to work on the exact same task, equally. It’s not true, and it’s probably more obvious in D/s relationships. Specific roles, specific tasks…whatever anyone wants to call it, life seems simpler when everyone is doing what they’re best at and what fits them best – either at work, at home, or in BDSM.
Yes, clearly defined roles takes away the guessing, the second guessing, and the unspoken expectations. When we paint, Coach preps the paint while I do all the taping off and then the cutting in (I’m good at it). Coach paints the ceilings and we do the walls together. He cleans up all the paint. We know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We now do this with everything and projects go smoothly. Wish we knew to do this way back when, but we got there.
My friend did her floors and she said she’ll help me lay it all out. I’m good with these kinds of things, just need a jump start and a friend to call on if I get in a jam. We need new floors so badly. Can’t stand the wall to wall and because we’re in a dry climate it’s very dusty. Dust and carpet don’t get along and throw in some mild seasonal allergy and we’re all sneezing.
Congratulations on your new condo Kayla, I wish you both much happiness. Sounds like you’re both made for each other.
It’s silly how we’re afraid to ask stupid questions. How we will wait and see what the other does or doesn’t do. Face it girlfriend, Your Mr. Brownstone is a keeper.
Any man that’s willing to get down and dirty to make your house a home and in the bedroom is alright in my book, 😉
Ya know, he’s alright to me, too. 😉
I have that endearing, wonderful (read: super intense) personality that rarely believes words and it’s all about the actions. I could ask, but I will always wait and see. It’s maddening at times, but in this case, well worth it. 🙂