Hard lessons learned today. Misery felt, ridiculousness realized, tears shed. All this and today was my birthday. What a day.
Me and my heavy heart woke up this morning feeling low, feeling miserable, feeling lost and confused, feeling forgotten, feeling invisible.
I sent sad text messages. I failed to hide it in my voice when I left a message. He called me out on it - as He should have. He is going through a difficult time, and my misery makes Him feel worse. My stress is His stress. My sadness bothers the hell out of Him. I know this, I really do, but I forget. I get so wrapped up in my own head and my own feelings, I let what's happening to me become more important. What kind of submissive am I??
I heard the stress and exhaustion in His voice, and something inside of me snapped. I cried when we got off the phone, but I also thought long and hard, and I've been wrong to let my sadness get in the way.
I'm still determined to see Him at some point this coming weekend, but I assured Him it won't be done in a way that is stupid or thoughtless or causes Him to worry about me. My desire to be with Him, see Him, touch Him, feel Him - it's not a want, it is an absolute need. I need oxygen to breathe; I need Him to be fully alive.
My problem for the past day or so has been a lack of communication, a lack of contact. I know deep in my heart that if He could, He'd have me with Him, at His side. If He could, we would speak often. If He could, life would be different. That's not how this works right now, and I need to learn patience, I need to learn serenity. And God knows, I need to learn confidence in myself and in us.
What I realized today is that my waiting for Him to call or text or communicate in whatever way right now is no different than if He told me to kneel at His feet and and forced me to wait until He was ready for me. I'm waiting to be of use and service to Him, as His submissive and as the woman who loves Him. The situation is clearly different in some ways. I'm not waiting to be fucked or spanked or used sexually. I'm waiting for Him to be in a place (mental and physical) where He can focus on me the way He wants to (which is, as always, the way I want Him to - or the way I should want Him to). What He's doing right now, this very moment, is exactly what He needs to be doing - I have supported Him in this from the beginning. What He doesn't need is the negative distraction of my impatience, my little girl feelings, and my insecurities.
I think I hurt our relationship every time I show that I lack confidence in His feelings for me, every time I seek reassurance, every time I let myself wallow. I tried to convey to Him in different ways this afternoon that I get it, that I know I was wrong, that I am sitting back and giving Him what He needs - one facet of His life that does not stress Him in any way. With everything He needs to focus on right now, I don't need to be one of them - not in a negative way, at least.
If I accept, completely, that He loves me, that He never forgets me, then I need to come to a place of serenity within my heart and mind, sit back, and wait patiently. When He is ready for me, He'll let me know - that's what I need to remind myself. I need to ignore that little voice in my mind that says, "But what if...?" Constant communication does not prove love, just as lack of communication does not prove neglect. Life got complicated this past week, and I need to get my mind wrapped around the idea that it doesn't mean He loves me any less. I'm not being cast aside.
I believe He thinks about me. I believe He misses me. I believe that He hopes it works out and we will see each other this weekend - even if it's not the way we originally planned. I also believe that He can find solace in me - if I'll get out of the way and let Him.
I feel myself growing into my submission with this new understanding of what I should have been doing for Him this week. I should be a beacon of light that He looks to when He's exhausted, stressed, worried. I should be a safe harbor for Him when He's tired of dealing with it. I should be a soft place to lay His head, even if it's just for a moment. I hope beyond hope that I can show Him that I understand now, that I'm worthy of Him, that I won't let Him down again.