Heavy Heart

Tonight, I have a heavy heart. After last week’s stresses caused us to cancel our October weekend together, Frankenstorm may upset our November plan.

He needed to be with His family. I fully supported it when He made the decision last week, I fully supported Him as He left, and I fully support Him now. The weather may delay His flight, may change some of His family’s plans for this week, and may drastically alter our plans.

And I hurt – terribly. I’m so sad I want to curl into a ball and cry into my pillow. My heart is heavy and it aches. The loneliness seeps in when I’m not expecting it. I work hard to keep it at bay. I held on to this weekend’s plans like a ray of sunshine and hope, and now I know that in reality I may lose it.

I continue to be supportive, because there’s no other way to be. He is exactly where He’s supposed to be. I just wish I could be with Him or that I knew He was coming home to me.

The downside to long distance relationships – the distance.

I’ve never gone more than 24 hours without speaking to Him. I’m now on day three. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the reality of the situation. But God, it hurts.

For a moment, I became defiant thinking about our weekend not happening, and I decided (and my mind cannot be changed) that no matter what, as long as I know He’s on His way home at some point this weekend, I am driving to Him. If I have to sleep in my car or hang out in all night diners or sit outside His door, I will be there this weekend. If it means I only see Him for a few minutes before He has to go to work or before He falls asleep, I don’t care.

Yes, we are Sir and pet. Yes, He beats my ass, bends me to His will, takes what He wants, uses me in kinky ways, and everything else you imagine D/s to be. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. And it is amazing, and it is wonderful, and it is a vital part of who we are as a couple.

But the thing that binds me to Him, more than trust and respect, is love. To simply be in His presence, breathing the same air, existing side-by-side would make me happy right now. And if that’s all I can have, I will take it and be glad for it. I want to see His handsome face. I want to stare into His eyes. I want to hear His growly voice. I want to simply be with Him. I want to offer the comfort of my presence. I want to wrap my arms around Him and remind Him that He is well-loved.

Barring some insanity with the weather or with His family, I will throw caution to the wind this weekend. I will make my drive. I will wait patiently for Him, if I have to, and I do it for love – because my heavy heart deserves to feel light, even if it’s just for a few moments.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • This must be so hard for you. I wish there was something I could say. This will pass and you will come out the other side stronger. Even though it has been a few day since you’ve communicated, imagine how wonderful it will be when you talk with him again.

  • The distant is awful sometimes and I have gone through the days and days without communication but you must remember something. Would he want you out at all hours, alone, driving in the mess!?!? You must take care of yourself & remain safe so that you can serve him. If he is worrying about you too then that will not bring y’all together faster or safer. Just be safe whatever you do…nothing crazy ok!!!! Xoxo

    • I’m already under orders for nothing crazy…thankfully, we live in the same state and it’s down south…I have to wait patiently for Him to come home…I grew in my submission today…I’d rather curl up in His arms than grow, though…lol

  • Being away from someone you love is always hard. I know the feeling, but in the end it can make the relationship so much stronger. Missing someone can be a good thing because when you will see his face everything will be at ease. Hope things get easier.

      • Well that is good. I know it took me a few months to get use to Him always being away for work. I find it can make the girl stronger with the emotion level. Dont get me wrong it is not the best feeling.

        • I’m not good at having faith in anyone, and that’s what this requires…I have to believe Him when He says He loves me…I’m getting better at it…slowly…

          • Yes words can be hard to always have faith in. When Him and I first became an item it took me a few months to realize His words were true. I think that takes time for some people. Especially if their is something in the past that could be holding the girl back. Sometimes still I dont even realize I have my guard and wall up until He mentions it.
            Wish you the best of luck with everything. When I become so down thats usually when I go treat myself. Find something you really enjoy and do it when your down. It does help 🙂

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