Where Have All the Good Dominants Gone? #podcast

Before a Dominant out there bristles and puffs up at my blog post title, let me ease your mind. I know you’re out there, living your life, maybe even wondering where all the potentially great submissives are.

The problem is that many single submissives seem to find the posers, wannabes, assholes, and yes, the predators. They’re not finding you – for any number of reasons.

In the span of about a week, I received multiple messages from subs with one question on their mind: where do I find a good Dominant? For this week’s podcast episode, I thought I’d answer the question in my own way.

Y’all, if you’re out there looking, there are things that you can do to help yourself and probably the biggest lesson I can teach you is to become friends first. Oh, and I have a few opinions on how to handle the trolls of the world who send the “Submit to me, bitch” kind of messages. (You know I did, right?)

It’s a long episode, for just being little old me, and I hope the single submissives out there find something new to try or something that works for you somewhere in the show. If you don’t agree with my suggestions or you did something completely different and found the Dominant of your dreams, I want to know. No really, I do.

Oh, and for my reader-types, there is a full (and very long) transcript, too.

From the show:

  • Several listeners have sent in the same question: where do I find a good Dominant?
  • The answer is much more complex than “where” to find one – it’s “how” to find one that matters.
  • Kinky people are everywhere, even if you don’t realize it.
  • There is no “special” way to meet kinky people other than to go where we are. People are people, and you need to treat interactions with kinksters like you would with anyone else – be kind, courteous, and open.
  • While munches are always an excellent place to meet people, most people will start online.
  • Pick any social media/online space you prefer to be on: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. and you’ll find kinksters. Fetlife, for all it’s problems, is an obvious choice for finding kinky people – locally or not.
  • You’ll have to decide if you want to use a “fake” profile for your kinky self or the vanilla one you already have. There’s no wrong choice. It’s personal preference.
  • Search for groups, hashtags, and anything involving kink.
  • Start following people, joining groups, and participating in the conversation.
  • There are a few things you shouldn’t do and a few things you can/should to find a good Dominant.
  • Don’t respond to random (and aggressive/predatory) messages from wannabes/posers. Delete, and if necessary, block them.
  • Try not to respond when a nice conversation gets creepy, scary, or aggressive. Delete, delete, delete. If you must respond, do it just once, because otherwise you’ll get sucked into a conversation that takes up time and space you don’t need to waste on an asshole.
  • When you don’t respond to the ridiculous messages you receive, especially when they’re unsolicited, you’re not being rude or a bad submissive.
  • Do not solicit Dominants with messages like “Spank me, Daddy” or “I want to be your submissive” especially when you don’t know them. If you don’t like it when the fake Doms do it to you, why would you do it to anyone else?
  • Do share, reblog, comment, and engage with kinky people who seem nice and interesting.
  • Always be your genuine self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not simply to get attention or find a partner.
  • When it feels appropriate, feel free to reach out in email or private message to say hi. Keep it friendly.
  • The purpose of all this is to make friends. Whether this person becomes your Dominant or not, friendship should come first.
  • Making the first contact is not frowned upon, as long as you’re polite. Some Dominants even appreciate it.
  • Even when you do all the “right” things it won’t always work. The other person might not be interested or the vibe is wrong.
  • Worse case scenario: you come across a predator that plays the game too well. Always listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
  • Feel free to comment below or reach out and let me know if you have other tips for finding good kinky partners or if you have questions of your own.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • We’re still here 😉 😉 Just standing in the back ground observing, listening and reading this great stuff!
    Thanks Kala

    • I knew you were! 😉

      Most of the good Dominants I know are usually waiting, watching, and paying attention. A bit like wolves, most of you. 😉

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