Earlier today, I admitted that I have demons. Now I need to fight them. If I don’t fight them and win, I lose myself, my true self; I lose everything.
He gave it to me straight today. It hurt, and it helped. If I can’t decide for myself that I am worthy of all that is good and wonderful, then I will lose. I’ll lose Him, I’ll lose myself.
And then, Ms. Desoto sent me this:
Yeah, so it’s 20 minutes. It’s worth every second, and I wish she talked longer. Her point? The willingness to be vulnerable creates a sense of worthiness, which leads to courage and compassion.
I needed this, badly.
He reminded me today that I am strong, that I’m capable, that I am amazing. He reminded me that I have accomplished things in my life that others would have refused to try – all before I met Him. But now, I look to Him for validation. He scolded me (and I needed it) that I spend too much damn time in my head, worried, fearful – and He admitted, it will eventually push Him away. Cold, sharp fear ran through my body.
There are no guarantees in this life, in a month, a year, a decade, there could be something that makes us decide we are better off apart. Fuck, don’t let it be me. Don’t let it be my fear, my insecurities, my worries. Not that, anything but that.
After watching the video (no really, I beg you, please watch it), I realize that part of what I need is to allow myself to be vulnerable. I do it here (and in my vanilla blog). Here, where you don’t know what I look like, you don’t know my real name, you don’t know where I live, I am my truest self – admitting I just learned to cum, admitting that I need to be called names and have my ass beaten red in order to get off, admitting that I have demons. In this blog, I tell the world I love and I love deeply – I haven’t done that yet in my “real” life, for fear of…what? Hell if I know.
But in the world? I hide – behind bravado, behind sarcasm, behind courtesies and niceties (I am a good Southern girl, after all).
Before I can allow myself to be vulnerable to the world, to show others that I am worthy of good things, I have to make myself believe that I am worthy. I’ve changed my life before simply by deciding I would be different, even if I had to fake it until I believed it. This is no different.
I have to stop being afraid to be seen, really seen, by the world. I have to stop being afraid of saying the wrong thing. I have to be willing to believe the best of myself – especially those things that I’m most insecure about. I have to stop striking out in anger when really I’m just unsure and nervous. I have to stop seeing the absolute worst in every situation. I have to open myself up to the world a little more.
I have a big heart and a big smile. I am smart as hell and a smart ass, too. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am worthy of every good thing I’ve earned and especially every good thing I’ve been handed.
I have to start telling myself these things every day, until I believe them without question, without fear.
I deserve better than I am now, and so does He. Everyone I love deserves the best of who I am, especially me.