I crave simplicity and efficiency. It’s why I create systems and processes in my work life. Routines, to-do lists, calendars, planning sessions — all of it is (in part) an effort to simplify things. For the most part it works.
External efficiency tricks me into thinking I’m a fairly simple woman. My needs are few, and my focus is clear.
Except that’s not at all true. In my head, I complicate everything.
Let’s start with this space.
I didn’t write anything for Masturbation Monday this week because I had nothing sexy to say. I was busy. Other things were on my mind. Instead of shrugging and accepting the reality, I’ve spent 24 hours wondering, “What does this mean?”
It means that I didn’t have the time, energy, or words. Nothing major. Nothing life-altering.
Of course, once my head gets involved, that’s where the complications begin.
I have plenty of other things I want to do, but I don’t because there are only so many hours in the day. (I’ve had to learn that the hard way.) A day without blogging on my usual schedule had me wondering if I could ever really step back from this space for a while and let myself focus on other things. (Loving BDSM and Smutlancer things, to be exact.)
Would I lose a bit of my identity by not being “sex blogger” Kayla Lords for a while? Am I forsaking my roots and a part of my audience? Who am I if I don’t blog and talk about my life in this space?
Those questions brought up the same feelings I get when I wonder if I should back off Twitter for a while. There are people in that space I adore, but I almost never connect with them anymore. My feed is filled with noise — other people’s anger, other people’s worries, other people’s complaints, other people’s thoughts. It’s so noisy I can’t always tell what I’m thinking.
But if I withdraw, will I be forgotten? One of my biggest fears is being forgotten, left behind, no longer wanted. So I stay, even though a part of me wonders who else I am when I’m not “sex blogger” Kayla.
So I do nothing and continue on with the status quo. When it’s time to redirect my focus, I’ll know. These things tend to hit me like a truck — with the obvious choice I would have seen weeks or months earlier if I’d only looked. But I can wait.
The moral of the story? One day of not maintaining my blogging schedule, and I’ve complicated everything.
It doesn’t end there. I have complicated feelings about my own relationship.
No one panic — John Brownstone and I are fine. More than fine. I spent the weekend letting my overly complicated mind spiral me into murky places, and he (as always) brought me back to the light.
We’re poly…open…ethically non-monogamous? Fuck, I don’t know what the acceptable term is anymore. (This is me, showing my age, not able to keep up with the way language is changing.)
He forms relationships with other people, and I am okay with it. Me? Well, I talk about the fantasy of having another partner. Mostly because I’m such an overly complicated case of poor self esteem and serious trust issues that few dare to enter here — and I don’t blame them. So I’m poly in theory while John Brownstone is poly in practice.
And until recently, it rarely bothered me. Either his partners were so far away that it was a purely online thing or his partners weren’t women, and I was extremely turned on imagining what he was doing.
Until this weekend when I had to face my own internalized shit.
Will he like her better than me? Why can’t I provide for all his needs? What if he finally figures out he doesn’t HAVE to be stuck with a crazy woman? (Me, I’m the crazy woman.)
What was, for him, a fun weekend with his kink community and a friend who’s something more (I don’t think anything is defined and I can’t/won’t go into detail because that person has not consented to have their story shared) was a landmine of every insecurity I only thought I’d gotten over years ago.
She’s better than me. I’m not good enough. He’s forgotten me. He’ll figure out I’m a basket case and he can do so much better than me.
UGH! Shut up, insecurities!
My logical side knows and believes that it’s better for us that we’re open. He would stray or be very unhappy if he had to contain all his love. I’m genuinely happy for him when he has a good time. I adore the person he was with this weekend and love their energy together.
But tell that to my insecurities which decided to complicate everything.
It was in my moment of despair that I had a single useful revelation. While John Brownstone and I always talk about everything (yes, including this), I didn’t need to dump this on him while he was having his grand adventure. It would have been wrong to do so. I needed to deal with my shit alone for a bit, get a grip on myself, and let the feelings wash over me. Feel them. Process them. And tell myself, “Get it together.”
Yes, I needed extra reassurance when he got home. And yes, I told him all the panicky thoughts I’d had. But I also genuinely wanted his experience to be a positive one.
While I wish I could provide for every need, urge, and desire he has, I also know I can’t and I never will. That doesn’t make me inferior to anyone else. But of course feelings complicate logic all the time.
When I let my logical side take over, very little is as complicated as I make it out to be. (Frankly, the world is complicated enough as it is — I don’t need to help things along.) Blog or don’t. Believe he loves me or don’t. (He does, he definitely does.)
If I could get out of my own way, life would probably be much simpler. But it would probably also be boring.
If you’re looking for actual smut, might I recommend Masturbation Monday or Wicked Wednesday (or both!)? Click below…
Now I know you said this was about you, but are you sure you didn’t climb into my head and write about me? So, so relatable love, wonderful Kayla. I think I speak for everyone when I say you would never be forgotten even if and when you take steps back in certain areas. I get it though, so damn much. Thank you for sharing and for your continually awesome efforts to provide us all with fabulous content xxx
Great minds think alike? I both hate that anyone else would feel this way and also am glad to know I’m not alone.
Who can ever forget you, dear Kayla! Never!
Our heads can make things so complicated, even when things are not complicated at all. I tend to do that, and I can get so angry with myself when I do, and am happy when I finally find the reset button to understand that I should just ‘chill’ (also one of those ‘new’ words I never know whether I am using it the way I should).
Rebel xox
YES! I get frustrated with myself when I overcomplicate something that never needed to be complicated. I’m not good at chilling either…or as people younger than us say, “I have no chill.” LOL
I would feel totally the same and you did great by not raining on his parade so to speak. Strong woman.
I for one would really like to read more about this topic and you and JB
x
For once, I sat on my feelings, and I know it was the right thing to do. It made the conversation we had later so much more meaningful.
I can’t take a break from my blog. It needs me but maybe the real truth is, I need it. Of everything I do it is the thing I am most proud of, I would give up literally everything else just to keep that. Damn I would go and get a 9 – 5 if it meant I could still do that. And now who sounds like the crazy lady?
As for the non mono stuff, you know I hear you and see you on this. I guess I am more like John in that I need that freedom too, it has just taken me a long time to be really honest about that
mollyx
I still need my blog — if for no other reason than to get the noise out of my head. But some many of my other projects offer up a different kind of connection that I’m addicted to. I’ll never fully quit this space, but I do wonder about stepping back even more than I have and giving more of my focus to the rest. We shall see.
I’m glad that you’ve realized what you need AND decided to go get it. I know JB would be a different partner (and likely unhappy) if he didn’t have this freedom. I’m just glad that I realize that how he feels about other people has no bearing on how he feels about me (slight freak-out depicted here to the contrary, of course).
Oh, I felt this. So very much. I know the feels. My brain complicates everything! I’m glad you have support and someone to communicate with. It really, really help doesn’t it?
It does. It really does. ((HUGS))
I could really relate to this Kayla and also over complicate things in my head. I think that relationship feelings are always going to be complex and it is partly our brain’s way of reassuring us that we are safe by allowing us to work through our anxieties about it all.
I agree about those complex relationship feelings. I’m glad I’ve learned how to keep them to myself until I think through them. Otherwise it could get quite messy as I emote all over the place, lol.
[…] is human. I know she is a powerhouse too but have a read of this post all about how her feelings sometimes get complicated – and rightfully […]
I can definitely relate to this. I often feel like I’m not good enough, or that he’s going to tire of how complicated our relationship is, I feel secondary to his marriage partner…. Urgh, so many negative thoughts and fears. My best wishes to you 💋
They do seem to creep in, don’t they?
I can relate to the insecurities and know myself well enough to be certain I would not be okay with an open relationship. That would just not work for me, but more power to you. I think you two are awesome! 😉
Thank you! And it’s important to know yourself, for sure. 🙂