Every Damn Day in June 2019 Wicked Wednesday

Brains are Weird

I forget, from time to time, that to the vanilla world, I’m a bit twisted. Perverted. Living a distorted life.

The entirety of the world (vanilla or kinky) gives my life no thought. But if brought to their attention and given the freedom to express their opinion — like on social media (ugh), to some, I’m a freak. Dirty. Bad. Corrupt.

To me, I’m just me. I live my life. I hurt no one. And I genuinely give zero thought to how others might perceive my life.

As a recovering perfectionist who always wants to do whatever is deemed “right” and follow the rules, I’m always shocked when I can set aside societal expectations. I care so much about doing the correct thing (whatever that might mean) that I stumble over simple tasks like making a phone call or walking into a place of business, because I might say something weird or do something wrong.

But I live my life semi-openly as a kinky woman. Proudly. Happily.

I work in a field that barely exists. (Yes, writers exist but sex writer isn’t exactly mainstream.) I’m trying to create a career for myself that I’m not even sure I can. And I fucking love it. I have zero concern about getting anyone’s approval beyond John Brownstone’s.

It’s strange how brains work. What it considers acceptable and what it doesn’t.

I find it untenable to walk into a social situation and not know what’s expected of me. To not say the right thing or behave like I “should.” But I also ignore other multiple societal norms — consistently walking out of my house without make-up or underwear on, living life as a submissive woman, and always (always) laughing too loud and taking up too much space.

As I’m getting older (I’m on the downward slide to 40, y’all — whoop whoop), I find that I care less and less what others think or what’s expected of me. But it’s still there, below the surface, popping up in the weirdest moments.

How can I ask for help at a store if I don’t even know the right word to use for what I’m looking for?

What if I call to make an appointment, and they don’t know what I’m talking about?

Do you have to stay during a kids’ birthday party or can you just leave? If I ask, will they think I’m weird? (True story, my kids have gone to so few that I don’t actually know what the correct procedure is.)

And yes, the logical thing to do is to ask. But while potentially doing the wrong thing and feeling stupid is painful to me, opening my mouth and proving I’m clueless is even worse. I can’t stand the look from people that says, “Weirdo” or “WTF?” Too many memories of childhood, filled with those kinds of looks, haunt me. I can’t be the weirdo who doesn’t know something.

Even now, after all these years pretending to adult properly, I still feel like there are things I should just “know” and when I don’t, I’ll avoid it rather than ask. If I can figure it out on my own, I’ll do it — Google is my friend, y’all. But if I can’t (and social norms and customs aren’t always easily Googled), I’ll skip it. Stay silent. Fall back. Avoid the thing completely.

All because the fear of being wrong makes me anxious.

And yet, like I said before, I live the “wrong” life by so many other standards and I could give less than a fuck what anyone thinks about it. In the big moments that really matter, I can walk my own path, do my own thing, live my own life, and shrug if you think I’m wrong.

But in the small, inconsequential things — still necessary but much less important — I freeze, terrified of being wrong.

Brains are weird.

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “twisted.” My head isn’t in a sexual or erotic place right now, so this is what I’ve got. For something MUCH better, click the button below.

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I’m also writing every damn day in June. To see who else is and read their work, click THIS button too!

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

21 Comments

    • (((HUGS))) I know you were/are going through a rough time of it recently. You’re amazing, fierce, and so much better at things than you realize. One day I hope you see it too.

  • This.

    I spent so much of my life worried about standing out, doing and being what was expected.

    Learning to step out as melody I get those “weirdo” and “WTF” moments and after all those years of being conditioned to die inside, I no longer care.

    Keep recovering from your perfectionism.

    melody x

  • Same here, so much of this I could’ve written. At work, I am now tasked with calling clients who don’t pay their bills. I do everything by email and have done it this way for years but management has added the “phone-call-step” months ago. I yet have to make a call, because I just don’t know what to say, how to get on with it. I hate calling people, always thinking they will not understand me… but, this totally rings true for me too: “To me, I’m just me. I live my life. I hurt no one. And I genuinely give zero thought to how others might perceive my life.”

    Brains, indeed, are weird!

    Rebel xox

    • Ugh, the dreaded phone call. I used to (and still to) practice what I would say — and for work-calls, I used to write scripts so I couldn’t screw it up. So exhausting.

  • Same. I mean, I could literally just leave it to a one word response but that seems hardly enough. I’m just the same. Worry about all those little things but I live a life of smut…it really is weird how brains work. I’m working hard on giving less of a fuck and asking more questions. I need to realise that looking a bit silly isn’t the end of the world.

    • Strangely, when I’m fully in “Kayla Lords” mode I find it all much easier. It’s when I have to navigate the vanilla life that I struggle the most. So basically, the vanilla life is evil and I need 100 percent kink and smut. Yeah, that’s the lesson I’m taking away from that. πŸ˜‰

  • I came here to say, β€œomg I could have written this, every last thing you describe are things I have experienced/do experience,” and was amazed that someone else feels this way. I thought it was just me. My own personal weirdness. Then I see so many others do too. Is there some correlation between sex writers and feeling this way? Probably not- it makes more sense that we are self-selecting, those who relate tend to respond- but damn it’s nice not to feel like the lone weirdo. Or maybe, not a weirdo at all.

    • You’re right about being a self-selecting group BUT in my experience talking to a lot of sex bloggers and other creative types, I do think it’s more common than we realize, just to varying degrees. You’re definitely not a lone weirdo on this one.

  • I know what you mean regarding “things you should just know”
    When I was younger I used to think how do people know that kinda practical stuff? And assumed I would just suddenly have the knowledge as an adult – I am stilllll waiting πŸ˜‰

    • Me too! I confessed to the 13yo that being an adult is mostly figuring it out as you go and none of us really know what we’re doing. He told me that was comforting to know, lol.

  • Over-analytic brains united!!! It is actually quite a comfort to find validation in someone else’s experience. So often I spend an exhausting amount of time ruminating on what I should be doing or saying instead of just jumping. Thanks for the post.. Miss your voice πŸ˜‰

  • It’s really interesting to hear your take on this. I bet there are more people who have the same line of thought as you. I definitely over analyze things and hate having to call people on the phone, but I’ve had to get used to it because of my job. Practice makes perfect! And I think a lot of it is faking it til you make it. Breeze into the birthday party, give your kid a kiss and I’ll see you in a couple of hours, thank the host and apologize for a meeting you’re late for. Go get a coffee and some alone time!!! Getting what you want or need can be a great motivator for getting through uncomfortable situations quickly and efficiently.

    • My old job was 50 percent phone calls and I went home physically exhausted at the end of each day. I was great at it and no one ever understood why I hated that part of the job so much, lol. But after five years of working for myself, I’m definitely out of practice.

  • Yep brains are so weird. I hate calling people. I have been meaning to get my hair trimmed for weeks now but everyday I ‘forget’ to call for the appointment. I Finallly did it this week but it’s so weird that I have been avoiding it for that reason.

    Molly

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