Every Damn Day in June 2019

Whatever My Best Self Is

I’m on a quest to feel good — mind, body, and soul. Like…really good. Not the superficial good of guilty pleasures (although I’m all for guilty pleasures — except I don’t want them to be “guilty” just “pleasure”). Not the “good” of self-righteousness (ugh, gross).

Good as in not noticing every ache or pain. Not wondering if that moment of anxiety was “normal” anxiousness or my brain hiccuping. And not wondering what I’m on this planet for.

That kind of good.

Through some effort on my part and a bit of luck (because there’s a bit of luck in everything), I’m making good progress.

My mind is (mostly) stable, and when my mental health goes wonky, I can usually understand why and breathe through it. Panicking at “what it all means” is now rare. It doesn’t mean anything other than my brain seems to be misfiring a bit. Or that one thing triggered another thing. Either way, breathing, resting, and recognizing what’s going on helps.

My soul has never been better. I’m one of those fortunate people to love deeply and receive deep love in return. I know nothing lasts forever, and anything can happen (good or bad) so I hope for the best, plan for the worst, and put one foot in front of the other. I also try to find small moments of happiness in even the darkest days. Not an easy thing, but always worth the effort.

My body…well, I’m a work in progress.

I saw this on Instagram — re-shared by Elle Chase — and it spoke to me.


View this post on Instagram


THIS!!!!!!! #repost @bodyimage_therapist ・・・ Whilst there’s nothing wrong with body love, body neutrality can be a more realistic concept to hold the complexity of experiences in your body. Body love (or body positivity as some call it), can conjure up black and white ideas that you’ll ‘always’ feel good in your body, love the way it looks and be in the mood to celebrate your appearance all the time. Not experiencing these things all the time doesnt mean you’ve still got work to do – nope! Just like goals around happiness 100% of the time, our experiences in our bodies are varied, layered, paradoxical, multicoloured – trying to hold a single view or feeling about your body is an exhausting job and a bit of a cruel task. . . Body neutrality is a gentle baseline – it’s that place where things are neither terrible or wonderful – your body ‘just is’, and from that baseline a wide variety of experiences which are temporary and moving flow through. Some experiences go above the baseline, some below. Over time, you will develop your own definition of body love. Some who sit in that deeper definition typically see body love as deep respect, appreciation and unconditional acceptance of the existence of their body and who they are inside – even when experiences are hard. It’s unconditional and not dependant on ‘loving, liking feelings’, it’s a fierce position of being on your own side even in a storm, not abandoning your existence when it gets hard. . . #bodyimage #dietculture #therapy #healthateverysize #bodypositivity #bodylove #bodyneutrality #compassion

A post shared by Elle Chase, ACS (@theellechase) on

And, weirdly enough, I experience body neutrality from time to time. It’s definitely an improvement over most of my life when I hated the sight of every part of my body. Sometimes I genuinely don’t think about my body at all. Not to love it or hate it. It simply is. I like that…that it doesn’t have to be an issue for me. That what my body looks like or feels like isn’t consuming my thoughts.

Until, of course, it does.

But these days it’s less about what I look like (although yes, there are improvements I’d like to make and yes body negativity still gets me) and more about how I feel. I’ve become more in tune with how my body reacts to certain foods. I know when I’m not getting enough movement in my life (which has been “almost never” for the past six months or so). And those are the things I seek to change and improve.

Which is why I’m giving up ALL sweeteners — artificial and natural, which means my beloved Diet Coke — even though the headache and withdrawal is no fun. (I gave up regular sugar and anything ending in -ose a year or so ago.) It’s also why I’ve embraced the low/zero carb way of eating, because I know how much better I feel when I drastically reduce carbs. And it’s why in the next few weeks or so, John Brownstone and I will likely join a gym together.

It’s temporary pain for (I hope) long term benefits. Or, at the very least, a better relationship with how I treat my body and what I put into it.

Because when my body feels good, my mind and soul follow. Just as, when my mind and soul are at peace, I care very little about what my body looks like.

I don’t share this to proselytize over healthy eating, losing weight, getting fit, blah blah blah. We all have to find the path that works best for us. Or to make it sounds like I’ve got everything figured out and that my life is now perfect. Pfft. I’m still a hot mess…but knowing I’m a hot mess makes all the difference.

No, I write this mostly to remind myself that the stevia-withdrawal headache I currently have serves a greater purpose. That my raw nerves and quick temper are temporary, and that I’ll feel better again soon. And, most importantly, I’m working towards whatever my best self is. I imagine it’ll be a lifelong work in progress. And I’m okay with that, too.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Love this and love the post you shared. Body neutrality sounds like a good place to be. As someone who has never loved her body and only recently has learned to appreciate parts of it, it is a good concept to not love or hate it. I too gave up sugar and sweeteners more on a dare. Like you guys not full keto but little to no carbs. Fell off that wagon for the past month and can definately feel the difference that those carbs and sweeteners make in my body. Learning those little things can lead to knowing more what our body needs. The caffiene and sugar withdrawal was an equal struggle. Back at it this week and if I get through the week with my girls still loving me I’ll be happy with that!

    • You can do it! JB is almost keto, and I’ve gone on a carnivore kick so almost no carbs. The headache lasted for two days but I know it’s because I never went back to full sugar…but from London to now, I definitely didn’t stick to the plan, lol. I haven’t given up caffeine, and I hope I never have to. It’s my last vice, lol. I always warn everyone around me — I’m going to be angry at the world until withdrawal goes away. Please still love me. It seems to work.

  • I love this notion of body-neutrality rather than positivity. It is far more realistic and likely to lead to acceptance of one’s body rather than a rigidly enforced love. I must try to adopt this neutral attitude myself.
    Good luck on ditching the sweetners. The good thing is that the headaches don’t last forever, and at least you know you’ll be feeling great soon.

    • I think it’s a great concept. There’s so much pressure to “love” yourself and it’s not realistic to do all the time.

      And thankfully, since I’d given up most other sweeteners, the headache only lasted two days so yay! Still haven’t quite adjusted to unsweet everything, lol.

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