BDSM Info Every Damn Day in June Submissive

I Fucking Hate Role Play

a mask used in role play

Image via Pixabay

There, I said it. It’s not the first time I’ve said it (loyal listeners of the Loving BDSM podcast know how I feel), and it won’t be the last. Though I love kinky fuckery, scening, and being a submissive and submitting, role play turns me off.

Note: This isn’t a judgement against people who enjoy it. You do you, and your kink isn’t my kink. But it does seem like it’s assumed that if you’re kinky, you’re probably into it. And I’m not.

I feel bad sometimes for my full body shiver, raised hackles, turn-to-ice reaction at the mere suggestion of it. John Brownstone has some deliciously kinky ideas centered around very detailed role play ideas.

But I can’t.

Once he mentions characters and setting the scene, he’s lost me. I’d read the book of what he’s describing. I might even watch it as a porn. But I’m not participating in it.

Frankly, if he’d just toss me down on the bed, strap me to whatever, or throw me on the floor and do whatever he’s wants, I’d be fine. But the moment he wants me to picture where we are, who I am, and what’s going on, the desire dries up, and I’m left cold.

As a submissive who wants to give him everything he wants, this is something I can’t do, and it bothers me. I’ve told him if he ever found the person who wanted to role play with him, I’d be very supportive.

I know these aren’t the same situations, but role play always makes me think of two things: role play in business training and team work at school and work. Of course they’re not the same, but they make me feel the same way: awkward, confused, unsure of what’s expected of me, and not having a clue what to do with my hands.

I resisted role play in training back in the day, and I resist role play in our kinky fuckery now. And no, I don’t need to “give it a chance” or “just try it.” When something is a hard limit, you just know it.

I’m also the Gen-X kid who hates fucking team work and just wants to be left alone with my thoughts and my ideas. Especially since I’ll probably be expected to take notes (because I always take the notes). Although I can’t fully explain it, role play gives me the same visceral sensation of annoyance and angst.

As much as I love and actively participate in our kinky fuckery, it’s also a time I go into my head. I process the sensations in my skin and in my mind. I listen to his voice, his breathing, and the sound the weapon of ass destruction makes flying through the air. Much of a scene is me experiencing the sensations, falling into a quiet space, and wondering what will happen next — though not necessarily in that order.

To me, role play requires a much more outward expression. I have to listen to what’s being said and formulate an appropriate response. I have to be someone or something within a role. Yes, I know, it’s not meant to be an Oscar-worthy performance, but it’s performative (to me). That just doesn’t hit my hot buttons. There’s no time to feel the moment as it is, not if I have to keep up with who I am and who he is and what we’re pretending to be.

So no, I’m not going to play the naughty schoolgirl, the ravished wench, the nurse, the prisoner, or whatever other sexy tale gets concocted. I just want to be me, his slut and his babygirl, experiencing our moment together bone deep.

And yes, if you’re into it and have entire costumes dedicated to different role play, I support your right to do it. Have fun! But please don’t ask me if I want to try role play. I really do fucking hate it.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

26 Comments

  • Honestly, I think that’s some of my feeling toward it. I don’t mind but it’s never a head space I can stay in. I can definitely write about it, but reality has never played out the same way.

      • Your instinct to hate role play is correct, but I don’t think you understand why you don’t like it.
        My thoughts are that being a real submissive is not a hat you can put on or take off, in order to make you wet you must truly live it, truly fully commit with no reservstions… it must be real !

  • I haaaaaate role playing to! And for me just our whole sex life felt like role playing up to the point where we decided to make it at 24/7-submission thing. I couldn’t get into a scene when the D/s part was just something we did then but totally disappears after playtime was done. And as for all actual role plays: “You can be the naughty schoolgirl and…” “No, I can be me pretending to be a naughty schoolgirl, failing misserably and getting angry instead. Does that work for you?”

    • I imagine I’d probably have the same reaction. Although 24/7 wasn’t always the reality when we were LDR, it was never bedroom only. That would not have worked for me.

  • I don’t mind role play in a work setting and have played my part in a previous relationship. But I think I am done with it. I just want to be told what to do and where to be, I don’t want to have to imagine I am in some adult movie. I’ll write about this soon too.

  • I’m right there with you! I definitely don’t like role play as it makes me feel ridiculous, but… yes, there is a tiny but which I will blog about soon!

    Rebel xox

  • I have tried it with a couple of Doms (separate times). As you say with the first Dom it really did leave me cold and I found it very awkward to role play. The second Dom we role played 3 times and each time all I wanted to do was fall about laughing. Yes I know that wasn’t the reaction he wanted so I kept biting my lip and tongue in a desperate attempt not to laugh – and I managed it – Just!!! Luckily my new Dom doesn’t want to role play in fact with his Cerebral Palsy disability he couldn’t do most of the role plays anyway.

  • Interesting post Kayla really made me think…
    At the moment I’m keeping my role plays for the camera. I did years of Medieval re-enactment, and Art based performance, but right about now when I want to fuck, I want to fuck! (If only – lol)
    Indie xx

    • Part of me wants to be able to do something like that for the camera, but a larger part of me knows that I wouldn’t because it’s another form of role play, lol. But I feel you on the fucking.

    • Poor JB tries that with me all the time, and I immediately shut him down. I once loudly said, “You’ve got me already, you can stop trying so hard!” Thank gawd he has a sense of humor, lol.

  • Your comment about being a Gen-Xer who hates doing group work made me laugh so hard – I feel the same. This is why when my students have projects I give them the option of doing them solo or with a partner.

  • Team work? That is satans work as far as I am concerned. Just those words make me uurggghhh…. Like you role play has never really appealed. I think we might give the scenario I wrote about in my piece a go but he is definitely more confident it is going to work than I am

    Mollyx

    • I’ve found they usually are MUCH more confident in our abilities than we are. I had to explain to JB that there is nothing sexy about me busting out laughing in mid-scene during role play. And yes “satan’s work” seems right to me.

  • I just HATE role play too, whether it’s the bedroom sort, or worse still, the corporate course type *shudders*.

    I can’t act, I feel completely ridiculous and therefore not sext at all!

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