Masturbation Monday Mental Health Wicked Wednesday

A Not-a-Love Letter to My Anxiety

pen, ink, and paper for writing a letter to my anxiety

Image via Pixabay

This is Masturbation Monday and it’s supposed to be all about the sex, right? Well, today, this isn’t that. If you’re here for smut, click here (<===) for something from the archive. For those who came for the kink but stay for the crazy, read on…

Dear anxiety,

I hate you.

I hate how you sneak up on me, in small ways I only recognize later, after the storm passes. You tap me on the shoulder and run away like a child, only to come back with a bullying vengeance.

My lovely new play collar felt so good all day. It put me in a submissive mindset, in a most babygirl way, and I loved every second of it.

But you took that away from the first moment of breathlessness, forcing me to beg John Brownstone to remove it in a hotel bar. I couldn’t breathe, and the panic set in. I would have clawed it from my neck if I had to. Get. It. Off!

I shrugged the moment off. Told myself everything was fine, to sit back and enjoy my time with my friends.

But you couldn’t leave me be, could you?

You gave me the night, I grant you that. Let me enjoy my time but you stuck with me, right beneath the surface. Waiting for your opportunity.

Like a fucking thief in the night, you stole my confidence, my composure, and my sleep.

The website is down because you’re shit. Why the hell do you have four websites? What the fuck are you trying to prove? Shut them all down. You don’t know what you’re doing anyway.

I hate that you stole my Eroticon high, that wave of love and generosity of spirit I was riding. All the good energy surrounding me vanished as if it had never been there.

Because of you.

The pain in your neck won’t stop. You’ll have to learn to live with it. This is how it is now. Sucks, don’t it?

You took my emotional and mental pain and let it feed the physical pain. Because of you, my mind went in directions it never would.

The pain will never end. I can’t bear it. How will I live like this?

I’m a fake, a fraud. What the fuck do I know about anything?

Such an amazing weekend and experience, and I spent an hour sobbing into a pillow, unable to draw a deep breath, unable to stop trembling. Even John Brownstone couldn’t soothe me.

I hate you.

Yes, I can hear you in my head, reminding me of what little you offer. The good you sometimes do.

Double checking myself so often it looks like I never make a mistake. You also make me want to curl up into a ball and hide when the mistake gets made anyway. There you are, convincing me I can prevent all fuck-ups even when I know that’s not true.

Weighing everything I say carefully so as never to offend or rock a boat. Drama isn’t welcome in my world, so if I never make waves, I never have to worry about it. But you also keep me up at night, second-guessing every word I’ve said without thinking it through.

Planning my life down to the smallest detail so I’m prepared for anything. I look efficient to the outside world. But you’ve also stolen spontaneity from my life.

I live in fear. Fear of the unknown, of loss, of loneliness, of unworthiness – because of you.

For all that I’ve learned how to cope with you, anxiety, I detest you. You blot out my sun, you steal my joy, and you leave me wounded and small.

I don’t know how to fix you or make you go away, and maybe I’ll have to live with you forever. But fucking hell, I don’t have to like it.

Yeah, I know, it’s not smutty. Probably all wrong for Masturbation Monday, but when it’s your own meme, you can do what you want. Right?? (And anyone who’d like to soothe that anxiety, feel free.)

It’s also Wicked Wednesday (or nearly so) and the prompt is “sad.” My anxiety makes me very sad because I’d like a brain that works properly, thanks. I know I have work to do to find balance and my own center to help mitigate my anxiety. I’m tired of amazing moments like Eroticon being nearly ruined – even temporarily – by a brain that lies to me.

To read actual sexy stuff, you know where to go.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I hate when that happens to you, you are a force and a power to be reckoned with. When you put your mind to something you make it happen. I know there is nothing I can do to fix it but I am always here to hold you when you need it.

    • I know you do, and that actually makes it worse for me, because I feel like I’m doing this *to* you as well as to myself. Being there with me is all you can do, and even when I can’t express it in the moment, it’s absolutely everything to me. I love you, Daddy.

  • Kayla, I havent been reading you long but I so look forward to reading your posts. I liked it when we got one or two a day I would go read immediately. You are living the life I would love to live. You have shown me such a wonderful glimpse into your world, into your private life and heart. Sir is so in love with you, its very evident in how he touches you. And you love him. Hes a man. A real man you can lean on, trust, and give yourself to. All of you. Give this to him too and let him deal with it. I am sure he can help you. He knows you best.

    In the mean time, I am sending you hugs and love and respect. You are awesome! Dont you dare let anxiety tell you any different. You touch many lives in ways you will never even know.

    • Oh thank you so much for this! And he really does help me as much as he can. I’m working on it, and most of the time, I can beat it back. Today was a good day so anxiety didn’t win for long. 🙂

    • Hi K – anxiety sucks, but you have pinned it down and described it in such a way that fellow sufferers can relate – your post will have helped many! Post what you like, its your site AND your own meme so do your own thing & we’ll all roll with you.
      My brush with anxiety & panic attacks has made me percieve that whatever starts this off in people leaves a ‘scar’ on our lives and that scar is going to change the way we react / deal with things – always, forever. Scars fade but dont disappear, so we just have to learn ways to deal, and recognise the signs of the onset of a moment. Like you I sometimes become aware it is circling round me and try to take preventative action, but it doesn’t always work and I cant always hold it off. Keep leaning on JB, keep talking to him and us (who love you whatever) and you will come through. Yes keep looking like a serene swan (legs paddling madly underneath) – but dont beat yourself up for any trip or slip cos (again) we love you and wont judge. Wonder Woman IS a great ideal, but she’s only a fictional character! Kayla you rock.

  • One name: Jenny Lawson

    If you haven’t read her, you won’t understand until you do.

    And if you have, then you know why she’s The Name.

    Anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes a good forceful bitch-slap is in order.

    (And yes — it’s your meme; post whatever the hell you please.)


  • Oh Kayla, you made me cry! I just want to hug you right now.

    There’s nothing I can say that will fix things, trust me I get it. But try to ignore that bit of your brain that likes being mean to you, it doesn’t deserve to be listened to, it’s cruel *angry face*

    You are amazing at what you do, don’t ever forget that xx

  • Having met you in person so very recently I can honestly say that you are inspirational to others. Knowing that you struggle under the surface but make it all look so effortless adds yet another dimension to you. We never know what goes on in the background of people’s lives as what we see is the way that they adapt and manage and translate that into a reality they would rather experience. I can relate to what you are writing about the way our thoughts tear us down and stop us from feeling the way that we want to but I think that the strength in this letter shows that you are fighting and winning the long game. missy x

  • Aw Kayla,
    I was just thinking about you and how happy you were in your collar and your exuberant joy all weekend.
    I’m sorry anxiety does this. I’m Fucking angry about it and the way it devalues your self worth – but it is fleeting and I am so sure you will shrug it off and be free to be Kayla, joyful and exuberant, helping us all feel kinky and proud, so very soon.
    Love to you darling x x x
    Anxiety is a Fucking arsehole.

  • Hugs girlie. Thank you for writing this and for the willingness to let others see that no matter how much we seem like we have everything together- everyone is struggling with something. I think more often then not people forget that. We often get the ” grass is greener’ mentality not realizing there is ( pardon my language) shit on their lawn too.
    It is awesome that you have JB to help and lean on. JB don’t beat yourself up too much when you feel like there is nothing you can do to help break the thought cycle. If your anything like my SIr J ( I know you are because I hear the love and passion between you too) you wish you could do more to help and feel like you aren’t doing enough at times. Just be there; it is enough.
    Wishing you both the best – much love from a forever cricket 🙂 XOXOX

  • I’m sorry to hear you had a tough time. All the reports from others (as Tweeted) said you were great at Eroticon. If only we could see ourselves as others see us, we might not feel so down so much.

  • Wow, Kayla. I feel you struggle and your pain.

    Your last line told me who was in charge…and it wasn’t anxiety. “I’m tired of amazing moments like Eroticon being nearly ruined – even temporarily – by a brain that lies to me.” Nearly and temporarily is YOU. That is your strength working it. You continue to inspire.


  • I hate seeing you go through this since, I also struggle with it. I read it and immediately sent it to my “ Daddy” because it explained exactly how I feel perfectly. Just know you aren’t alone and everyone of your fans is here for you.

  • I’m sorry to hear the anxiety took over after what by all accounts was a wonderful Eroticon. I just need to add my voice of appreciation to the others. Your blogging is such a go to thing for me. And I love hearing your bubbly voice on the podcast. I sort of get off on the interaction between you and John Brownstone, your interactions are a delight. But I can’t help but wonder if the reason you are such a fabulous person to be around is partly because you are so complex and so driven. Certainly the sharing is so raw and honest that I am draw to reading you again and again. Big hugs coming your way lovely woman. Indie xx

  • You should send your anxiety over to me and I will have a stern talk to it, because clearly it doesn’t know what a wonderful, driven, talented, enthusiastic, brilliant woman you are, a friend in every aspect of the word. I know, because I have met you and I tell you, you are a star. I know these words might not mean much to you when the bitch anxiety has you clamped between her fingers, but I hope you draw enough strength from it to push this bitch away and do what you do best. Love you, dear friend!

    Rebel xox

  • HUGS!!! I know what a bitch anxiety is. going through it myself lately because of a recent health diagnosis. 🙁

  • Through my eyes when I returned home and was reporting back to my man –
    “Kayla is such a fantastic dynamic person. Her workshop was my favourite of all that I attended and I was so glad I got to chat socially with her and John Brownstone too. Really fabulous company” x

  • I just wrote a post about my issue with perfection. I’ve never thought of it as anxiety driven, which from your description, could be exactly what is killing me. Thank you for being honest and descriptive. I’ve got much to think about.

  • I could have written this…word for word. You are definitely not alone in this. And I’m glad you wrote about it, because we should all write about it. The more we do, the more we will show ourselves and each other that this is our normal. And our normal is just as normal as everyone else’s. It takes some of the power from the anxiety and helps to build us up. I constantly question myself and my abilities…and sometimes it is helpful to know that even those I look up to as mentors do the same.

  • Anxiety is a lying bitch! She lives in my head as well, I go from days of confidence, doing well in my classes and homeschooling my kids….to days of feeling like a failure and not being able to move forward at all. The rational side of me can understand what’s going on, but the emotional side of me just has to ride it out. I’m thankful to my spouse for not letting me make major decisions while I’m suffering from depression or anxiety. (I’d have dropped out of school years ago…and I’m close to done now.) /gentle hug…you aren’t alone and I hope you are feeling the love.

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