Wicked Wednesday

Not a Typical Dominant #WickedWednesday

“He’s not the typical, narcissistic, demanding Dominant you normally see, is he?”

My therapist (a kink-aware man who’s met his share of D/s kinksters) cocked his head to the side and looked at me inquisitively.

“Oh no,” I gushed, “he’s not. He’s definitely a Daddy, and he’s warm and caring and a good, kind man. And humble.” (I told you I gushed.)

The therapist had already figured some of that out as I explained how we dealt with my issues and was both surprised and impressed. Every time I talked about a meltdown or a depressed mood, he asked, “How did John handle that?”

Like the good man he is.

That’s my John Brownstone.

The man who can shut me up with the gleam in his eye or a tug of my hair. When I told him about my therapist’s observation, he responded, “That’s probably why I didn’t think I was a Dominant for a long time. I thought I had to be submissive because I wasn’t like any of the other Dominants I knew.”

Of course, part of what made him realize that he could be Dominant was because he finally met a few others who didn’t fit the stereotype either. Quiet, unassuming people who blend into the crowd – until they decide not to.

Showy, loud, belligerent Dominance has never been something I cared for. Give me the quiet one, the low voice, the single look, and I’m weak in the knees.

As someone who has little interest in being noticed by strangers, the last thing I want is someone who purposely and willingly commands a crowd. Ironically, John Brownstone gets all the attention he would ever want (or not want) with his quiet, unassuming, but still commanding nature. He doesn’t have to say a word for people to take note of him.

Wherever we go within the kink community – online or in-person – people seem to know him and everyone who does, respects him. Yes, of course, I’m proud of him for that and happy to see other people acknowledge his innate goodness. But the best part is that he’s always so surprised by it.

Don’t mistake his good nature, his laid back attitude, or his reserve as meekness or an inability to show strong emotion. But there’s power in scarcity.

This is a man that when he says, “Fuck!” surprises everyone. Because he rarely shows a strong emotion. Because that’s his ultimate outburst.

Does he get angry? Yes. Does he feel disgust for injustice, violence, and irresponsibility? Absolutely.

Does his soft side make him weak or ineffective?  Someone catch me before I fall over laughing.

What would you see if you saw him in a kinky crowd? A quiet person who doesn’t engage in drama. A man willing to stand up and say, “That’s wrong.” A friend willing to give a hug. A sadist who loves to show off his toys – and tell you where he bought it or how he made it. A Daddy who’s quick to drop everything to take care of his babygirl. A Dominant who has complete control over his submissive, but feels no need to exert it or show off. And a kind, polite man that never wants anyone to feel alone in a crowd (for which I often threaten to take his introvert “card” away).

He’ll be surprised to read this characterization of himself. Not because it’s untrue (he knows himself well) but because he doesn’t think it matters. He knows who he is. He knows who we are together.

There’s a reason that nearly every submissive who meets him feels at ease almost immediately. And a reason that every Dominant we’ve ever met (that we consider a safe, responsible kinkster) respects him.

And while I celebrate John Brownstone because I love him and respect him, I also do it to remind people that there is no one right way to be a Dominant.

The Dominants who think before they speak, hang back, and let others have the spotlight are no less Dominant than the ones who walk into a room and take charge.

The Dominants who ask instead of demand are just as legitimate as those who prefer bold commands.

The Dominants who take their time opening up and don’t share their every opinion are just as powerful as those who have no filter.

We all do this kinky thing differently. We come at it from different perspectives and backgrounds. Our personalities play a big part, but no one personality type has a lock on Dominance or submission.

But if I’m choosing (and I am), I’ll take John Brownstone’s kind of Dominance any day.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt was on romance, and I think an ode to the man and Dominant I love is pretty flipping romantic. And my therapist’s observation has stuck with me all week long. Okay, for actual erotica and smut, go check out this week’s other posts.

Wicked Wednesday


About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I do agree with you about the quiet air of command as opposed to someone loud and belligerent. Makes me glad I have one of my own. 🙂 Excellently written as always.


  • You are so right… there’s nothing like a true dominant or a true submissive. We are all different.
    You and John work together, but you might not work with another dominant or John with another submissive. I think the essence is to fill in a relationship – whether kinky or not – the way it works for you and not the way others say it should be.

    Rebel xox

    • I agree completely. I also think who we are together is different than who we’d be with a different kinky partner. Our D/s works because of our energy and chemistry, and it would be something different with a different type of person. 🙂

  • This is beautifully written. I agree with you as someone who has been walked on most of her life. I have learned over the years to dig in my heels and have become quite stubborn to people who demand and yet give nothing in return.

    John Brownstone would be a much more preferable partner. Someone who watches and learns and quietly commands. So glad you two are together.

  • My husband/Master is so much the same in personality. I think it balances my very extroverted personality out well and he can easily win the love and admiration of a room- if he chooses. I had to smile all while reading this as it really is like reading a description of my love.

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.