Image via Pixabay
John Brownstone and I made a big leap this month. Maybe it wasn’t a leap (I’m prone to hyperbole). Maybe it was more of an inevitable but really big step. We stepped out of the online shadows more fully – at least, I did. (He’s been putting himself out there for a while now.)
We recorded video and published it in a public venue. That probably doesn’t sound epic to anyone else but it was big enough of an event that I barely slept in the days leading up to it and after it went live.
I don’t exactly hide my face – not completely – online. That’s me in my avatar when you see me out and about online. It’s my voice you hear on the podcast. Let’s be clear, a few of you already know, I’ve done video before. In the grand scheme of anonymity, I’m not exactly at the witness protection level.
But in the conversations about where we want this thing that is the “John Brownstone/Kayla Lords show” to go, we’ve come to realize that being seen is part of it. He has plans to record solo video content for Loving BDSM readers that I encourage. The fact, though, is that we do better together, and we want to do more – together.
Lots of big conversations, a Skype meeting with a respected friend, and several cups of coffee (with a side of emotional eating) later, we came up with a plan. We decided that being more visible online and in-person were important to us in making that happen.
And it scares the hell out of me.
Part of what has allowed me to be so brutally honest online about my experiences and myself is my anonymity. No one knew me at the beginning. No one had expectations of me. I could simply be who I was – who I still am. This blog could have turned into a conglomeration of all the things I want to do as a writer but has morphed into one of multiple websites for one reason. I need this space to be my home where I can be my weird, confused, anxious, bipolar, kinky self. Will that change?
There is also safety in anonymity. I (mostly) control my image and where I appear. Someone might know my name but never know anything else about me. When you’re invisible, there’s a lot less drama in your life – and I crave a drama-free life. What am I opening myself up to?
Of course, my vanity plays a part in being behind a curtain. We have all that jarring experience of hearing a voice on the radio (or in a podcast) and then seeing a picture of the person in question. They never look the way we imagined, and sometimes it’s disappointing. I have enough hang-ups about my appearance without wondering if I’ve killed some weird fantasy you might have had about me. Am I as unattractive to strangers as I am to myself? (I already know how John Brownstone feels, and I’ll probably get in trouble for that last line.)
But like all things that simultaneously scare me and excite me, I’m doing it anyway. We’re putting ourselves out there in new ways, hoping to reach more people, help more kinksters, and make these ridiculously big dreams of mine come true.
And I’m attempting to be 100 percent myself in the process – goofball expressions, rolled eyes, silly giggles, insecurities, and all. One day I’m going to look back on all of this – no matter where it leads – and think, it started with this video? (<==click it if you dare!)
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is about celebrity. Nothing sexy on my mind, just my own fears about having my face out in the world in new ways. You know where to go for the smut!
I understand how you must feel about losing the anonymity you have. It is a scary thing putting yourself out there – a celebrity – people seeing you as public property. But Putting that aside you should follow your dreams and be true to yourself. We only live one and I wish your new project every success. 😉
Thank you. If I feel like this step changes things for the worst, I’ll put a stop to it. Everything else we’ve done means more to me than giving up my anonymity. But of course, you can never put the genie back in the bottle either, so I might not be able to undo things completely, but I don’t have to keep doing it if it’s not a good fit. 🙂
I have no doubt you two will proceed with sensibility and caution, and are well aware of what the ramifications may be.
You and only you (individually and collectively) can decide what choices you need to make to stay true to yourselves, and every.single.choice has its consequences, regardless if it’s a choice to “do” or “not do” __________. Positive, negative, or neutral ~ sometimes all three at once, and often multiples in ripple-effect succession. You’ll never know until you try.
Best of luck.
Thank you. As caution seems to be my middle name (or maybe it’s safe, sane, consensual – lol), we have definitely discussed the potential ramifications.
I agree. Everything comes with a consequence but since that word is loaded with negative connotations it can scare people away. I don’t think this will be easy or without its bumps, but I think we can handle whatever comes from this new step. 🙂
I guard my online anonymity very closely so kudos to you (both) for being willing to step out of the shadows and into the (lime) light. You don’t sound like you’re chasing celebrity (which is a good thing).
We’re definitely not trying to do that. I don’t think it’s in our personalities but I also think it would be a pointless waste of time.
I can totally understand your fears, and please know that I think you are cute and sexy and I <3 those eye-rolls!
Sometimes I have this urge to show more of my face, but then I get nervous and think no one is waiting to see my face and somehow I am 'afraid' people (family) will accidentally find my blog because of my face, even though I know that they can identify me by my tattoos. I know the time will come when I reveal my face. Just not yet…
Rebel xox
Yeah, I’m having to warn my mom that although I think the chances are remote that she’d see a video, it’s a possibility, and I wouldn’t want her to be completely shocked by it.
It is a leap and like everything we talked about it in great detail, covering both the good and the bad that could happen. It will be what it will be but we will be doing it together.
And that’s why I can do it…because you’re right there by my side.
This has been so much of what I have done over the years, gradually coming out on my blog, posting more images and then videos but for me knowing he is there with me, and we are working this stuff out together, that is the most important bit to me
Mollyx
Having that support makes all the difference in the world.
It was fun to see you two. A fine first effort and it will only get better as you continue. You were yourself, despite being nervous, and that’s what counts. I thought you were wearing matching t-shirts at first… please don’t ever do that.
Note to John Brownstone: As far as… “Am I as unattractive to strangers as I am to myself?… please tell Kayla that we all feel that way, and to get over it. And, if she is in trouble for making that comment and about to get spanked, please give her bottom a few swats from me.
LOL, we’ve only once (unintentionally) worn matching shirts. The shirts we wore will actually be the subject of our next video review. And I plan on getting more of them so they can be our kinky “uniform” lol.
I’ll gladly give her a few swats for you as she does need to be reminded from time to time.
I loved watching the video and it was fun seeing the faces that go with the voices I hear on the podcast. Kayla, you are as bubbly on video as you are on audio. And your delight in things is infectious. I loved the sly looks the two of you gave each other.
P.S. If you want to do the word search separately you could photo copy it, with your Daddy’s permission of course. And here’s another from Ronnie over at Heart and Soul – http://ronniesoul.blogspot.ca/2017/03/just-for-fun_10.html Have fun!
Thank you! And good idea!!