Image via Pixabay
John Brownstone and I made a big leap this month. Maybe it wasn’t a leap (I’m prone to hyperbole). Maybe it was more of an inevitable but really big step. We stepped out of the online shadows more fully – at least, I did. (He’s been putting himself out there for a while now.)
We recorded video and published it in a public venue. That probably doesn’t sound epic to anyone else but it was big enough of an event that I barely slept in the days leading up to it and after it went live.
I don’t exactly hide my face – not completely – online. That’s me in my avatar when you see me out and about online. It’s my voice you hear on the podcast. Let’s be clear, a few of you already know, I’ve done video before. In the grand scheme of anonymity, I’m not exactly at the witness protection level.
But in the conversations about where we want this thing that is the “John Brownstone/Kayla Lords show” to go, we’ve come to realize that being seen is part of it. He has plans to record solo video content for Loving BDSM readers that I encourage. The fact, though, is that we do better together, and we want to do more – together.
Lots of big conversations, a Skype meeting with a respected friend, and several cups of coffee (with a side of emotional eating) later, we came up with a plan. We decided that being more visible online and in-person were important to us in making that happen.
And it scares the hell out of me.
Part of what has allowed me to be so brutally honest online about my experiences and myself is my anonymity. No one knew me at the beginning. No one had expectations of me. I could simply be who I was – who I still am. This blog could have turned into a conglomeration of all the things I want to do as a writer but has morphed into one of multiple websites for one reason. I need this space to be my home where I can be my weird, confused, anxious, bipolar, kinky self. Will that change?
There is also safety in anonymity. I (mostly) control my image and where I appear. Someone might know my name but never know anything else about me. When you’re invisible, there’s a lot less drama in your life – and I crave a drama-free life. What am I opening myself up to?
Of course, my vanity plays a part in being behind a curtain. We have all that jarring experience of hearing a voice on the radio (or in a podcast) and then seeing a picture of the person in question. They never look the way we imagined, and sometimes it’s disappointing. I have enough hang-ups about my appearance without wondering if I’ve killed some weird fantasy you might have had about me. Am I as unattractive to strangers as I am to myself? (I already know how John Brownstone feels, and I’ll probably get in trouble for that last line.)
But like all things that simultaneously scare me and excite me, I’m doing it anyway. We’re putting ourselves out there in new ways, hoping to reach more people, help more kinksters, and make these ridiculously big dreams of mine come true.
And I’m attempting to be 100 percent myself in the process – goofball expressions, rolled eyes, silly giggles, insecurities, and all. One day I’m going to look back on all of this – no matter where it leads – and think, it started with this video? (<==click it if you dare!)
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is about celebrity. Nothing sexy on my mind, just my own fears about having my face out in the world in new ways. You know where to go for the smut!