Conflicted #WickedWednesday

Life is moving at light speed these days. Changes are coming to our life now when we thought we had time. We’re re-evaluating how we think about ourselves, our future, and our goals. We’re in this place where some major decisions have to be made in order to move forward.

It feels right.

It’s exciting.

It’s what I’ve always wanted.

I’m fucking terrified. I’ll talk specifics later. Not now. Not yet. The details don’t matter. It’s the feeling of absolute rightness and the feeling of abject terror that I can’t stop dwelling on.

One is my gut. The other is my head.

My gut believes in him. In us. In myself. My guts says, “Bitch, you’ve been through tougher stuff than this, you’re going to be fine.” My gut squees and twirls a little (when no one’s paying attention). My gut knows we’re facing the best possible solution to a problem, and it’s the right one that may lead to some amazing things.

The problem is that my head knows we’ll go through hell first. My head remembers what it was like to resent the person I thought I loved. My heads know how I can get when things don’t go according to plan. My head knows that this changes everything.

Will I still feel like a submissive? Will he feel like a Dominant? What happens to our roles, my tasks, our rituals, my rules when we completely up-end our life? I can’t know the real answer, but I know what I hope. I hope that we find a way, we make it better, we get creative, we see the path. I fear we’ll get bogged down in the day-to-day crap. I fear we’ll forget we’re in this together. I fear he’ll see me for the controlling shrew I can be instead of his loving babygirl and (mostly) obedient submissive.

I’m ready to move forward. (I’m ready to be allowed to share the details, too, lol). I’m ready to make a list, put a plan together, and just start. The first step is the hardest one although I’m sure steps two through 1000 won’t be so easy either.

I’m freaking out about moving forward. Things to do. Lists to write. Plans to actually put into motion. I want to throw up and crawl in bed, but I know that’s not an option either.

We’re in a holding pattern right now. Unable to go back to what we knew to be true, needing to move forward into a new world. I’m both impatient and procrastinating. I’m anxious to start and hoping for a reprieve.

In a word, I’m conflicted.

Well, nothing smutty or even remotely about the prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week – which is “arrested.” I know other writers and bloggers shared something sexy so if you need a pick me up after all that, you know where to go…