Life is moving at light speed these days. Changes are coming to our life now when we thought we had time. We’re re-evaluating how we think about ourselves, our future, and our goals. We’re in this place where some major decisions have to be made in order to move forward.
It feels right.
It’s what I’ve always wanted.
I’m fucking terrified. I’ll talk specifics later. Not now. Not yet. The details don’t matter. It’s the feeling of absolute rightness and the feeling of abject terror that I can’t stop dwelling on.
One is my gut. The other is my head.
My gut believes in him. In us. In myself. My guts says, “Bitch, you’ve been through tougher stuff than this, you’re going to be fine.” My gut squees and twirls a little (when no one’s paying attention). My gut knows we’re facing the best possible solution to a problem, and it’s the right one that may lead to some amazing things.
The problem is that my head knows we’ll go through hell first. My head remembers what it was like to resent the person I thought I loved. My heads know how I can get when things don’t go according to plan. My head knows that this changes everything.
Will I still feel like a submissive? Will he feel like a Dominant? What happens to our roles, my tasks, our rituals, my rules when we completely up-end our life? I can’t know the real answer, but I know what I hope. I hope that we find a way, we make it better, we get creative, we see the path. I fear we’ll get bogged down in the day-to-day crap. I fear we’ll forget we’re in this together. I fear he’ll see me for the controlling shrew I can be instead of his loving babygirl and (mostly) obedient submissive.
I’m ready to move forward. (I’m ready to be allowed to share the details, too, lol). I’m ready to make a list, put a plan together, and just start. The first step is the hardest one although I’m sure steps two through 1000 won’t be so easy either.
I’m freaking out about moving forward. Things to do. Lists to write. Plans to actually put into motion. I want to throw up and crawl in bed, but I know that’s not an option either.
We’re in a holding pattern right now. Unable to go back to what we knew to be true, needing to move forward into a new world. I’m both impatient and procrastinating. I’m anxious to start and hoping for a reprieve.
In a word, I’m conflicted.
Well, nothing smutty or even remotely about the prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week – which is “arrested.” I know other writers and bloggers shared something sexy so if you need a pick me up after all that, you know where to go…
All Our hearts are praying for you guys to get through this! We love you both, and know you to be strong fighters. Time will fix all of this, were here if you need us!
Thank you Mynxie. We love you too. ?
Sounds a lot like getting married. Also sounds a lot like… Not.
Interesting vagueries nonetheless, whatever “it” might be.
Good luck. 🙂
Lol, very true. Thankfully I’m not conflicted about THAT at all – the wedding date is October 28. ☺️
Congratulations for the wedding date. I don’t know what you are going through now but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you both xx
You got this girl… I am pretty sure of that.
You’re a strong lady and I know you’re amazing under pressure. Hugs to you both (I’m nervous and this isn’t even about me)
I believe that as long as the two of you face this together, things will work out. About your question about will you still feel like a submissive? You said yourself that when you figured out that you were a submissive, it was like a puzzle piece falling into place.
Sending hugs and possitive thoughts.
Thank you. I believe that too but self doubts still have a way of creeping in.
From what I’ve seen here over the years I know you will get through this.
And… I am damn curious to know what it is too!
JB said we could talk about it soon so it won’t stay a mystery for long lol. ☺️