“Oh my God, I am so fat. Ugh! Is that what I really look like?”
“There is no way this story is as good as I thought it was. It’s going to be a disaster. Maybe I should delete it.”
“We should probably re-do the show. I’m sure it’s awful. I said the same phrase multiple times. Clearly I have zero imagination.”
These are all very real thoughts I’ve had in less than 12 hours. And yes, I know they aren’t true.
I went to bed feeling bad, my stress manifesting as physical pain. I woke up feeling hungover.
Something was wrong with me. I’d almost begged John Brownstone to delete the episode we’d recorded just before bed. I hadn’t written in two days – even though I have the rough draft of a short story and a novella to work on. And I couldn’t seem to look at myself in a mirror.
The worst part of all of it is that there is a very rational, clear-headed, thoughtful, kind voice in my head that counters each bit of self-loathing with, “You know that’s not true. It’s never as bad as you think it is. Everything is going to be okay.”
But I ignore the rational voice in my head like I ignore the calories on a king-sized candy bar.
One of the things I’ve learned from my therapist, when I have negative emotions for “no reason” is to trace the feeling back to the thought. This time, I knew the thoughts, I just had to figure out where they were coming from.
We’d just made a spanking video for Patreon, and I’d seen myself on video for the first time in a long time. Cameras aren’t kind. That woman doesn’t look like the woman I see in the mirror. Frankly, I like who I see in the mirror, but that chick in the video hit all my fat-shame buttons.
I’ve been a writing machine for the past three weeks, but one of the worst anxieties for a writer is having to face their own writing. We almost always think it sucks (or it’s going to suck). I’m not immune to that.
The podcast episode? I think it was a victim of all that self-doubt triggering at the same time. Am I a little low energy in the show? I think so. Was I as organized as I like to be for a show? No, not really. But is it as bad as I think it is? I’m sure it isn’t. I think I’m more worried that people will be bored by the topic.
Once I figured out where it was coming from, I felt better. I was ready to listen to my rational side again. The self-doubt and loathing aren’t exactly gone, but they’re muted. I have to believe that’s progress.
Maybe I’ll go read a book and let the voices in my head fight it out. Winner take all.
None of us are alone, we can face our demons together and win
I agree. No one is truly alone.
You’re definitely not alone. I’m always wondering what I’m doing wrong when something doesn’t sell. It’s a horrible feeling and it doesn’t matter what others say because people who love you must being saying kind things because they love you.
I have to tell myself that I do it because I love it, regardless of what the outcome is and as long as I still love it, I can (or hope I can) handle the downside. But that voice in my head is SUCH a bitch. ((HUGS))
I’ve enjoyed all of your podcasts I’ve listened to while you and Mr. Brownstone keep me company in a hot tub of bubbles. Me time, self care and lessons. And I saw your bare red behind. There’s nothing wrong with it. Coming from someone who suffers from noassatall no matter what my weight is, I’m slightly envious of your rump cheeks. They exist as a part of your body, wherein mine are invisible. And I love your writing, but you know that already. Cheers, lovely lady.
Thank you. I appreciate it. 🙂 Now, if I can just get that mean girl in my head to shut up. 🙂
First of all, *hugs* because you are worthy and wonderful.
That being said, I completely understand where you’re coming from because I do the same thing. I’ve found that when I’m able to write out my feelings it helps me to sort of untangle my emotions so that I can better listen to that kind voice.
My nightly journal habit works wonders for getting the voices out of my head – or at least helping me figure out what I really think and how I feel about it. Putting the words on paper gets them out of my head which is very helpful. 🙂
I’ve never taken a decent picture, so being viewed by others in such a way would never have happened. If I have an annual picture from some sort of holiday event, I’m good.
Compared to anyone else at any given place or time, I’m not in need of photographs, nor would I ask or put myself in a place where I would bare all, so to speak. I don’t even like those idiotic professional photographs done for academic or religious reasons.
I’m not even a selfie queen, taking pictures for media platforms on a variety of subjects. I think I like to view pictures and camera phone mini films in trying to understand what has raised the interest of the person filming. I think you are very brave, and I applaud you for beating back the inner demons.
I’ve been writing for decades, both academically and non academically. It’s a tough thing. Sometimes our creations arrive as they need to be- on the rough side, not smooth or finished. Perhaps we’ve given our audience a bunch of clues abd statements, but we really haven’t “unpacked” the files, suitcases, visions floating around in our head when we wrote them.
Often we write a piece that will be controversial, but it needs saying, or is a necessary component to a discussion going on at large about an important issue. We will hear from many sides. We will have second, third, even fourth doubts that we’ve done the right thing.
Here’s one thing to think about at that time. We have been given our gifts, skills and visions to go forth into the world and use them. Hopefully, we use our gifts and talents for the greater good, not ill.
And I think that’s the most important thing to remember: our purpose.
Have the polite rational person in your head turn around and bitch slap the mean girl in your head!
Your writing is always amazing and informative or sexy; and your podcasts are always great…I should know, because you and Mr. Brownstone have accompanied me on many long hours driving in the car and had me laughing so hard sometimes, I am certain other drivers think I am insane 🙂
Hope you are feeling better and I look forward to the new podcast episodes!
Thank you so much! A combination of therapy and JB being wonderful have helped me learn to ignore those voices. And yay for laughing so that everyone else things you’re nuts. That’s my favorite thing in the world (well…one of my fave things, lol)…