How to Train Your Submissive #podcast

Two points to anyone who thought “How to Train Your Dragon” when you read the title. Maybe my mom brain is fried, but it’s what I thought.


When we talk about D/s relationships, we talk about communication. We talk about good relationships. We talk about kinky fuckery.

But we (and by “we” I mean myself and some of the things I read) don’t talk about the nuts and bolts of a D/s relationship. It’s not enough to say that John Brownstone and I have a good relationship (we do). It’s not enough to say we communicate all the freaking time (we do that, too).

After you have a willing partner, after you’ve talked about what you like, don’t like, limits, curiosities, and the rest, after you’ve gotten naked and kinky, there’s a lot more to do.

Every relationship (regardless of flavor) requires work. In D/s, a good part of this work is about training. When a submissive friend told me she might not be a submissive after listening to the show we did on responsibilities, I knew we’d left a critical piece of the puzzle out.

Submissive training.

In order to be the submissive he wanted me to be (and that I wanted to be for him), John Brownstone had to train me to do the things he wanted me to do. All the tasks I do, the way I behave in kinky public, and the way I treat him came from training. Yes, some of that was part of my personality but it was fine-tuned and honed by him and his expectations.

And so a podcast episode was born…

No, we don’t tell Dominants exactly how to train their submissive. Training is too personal for that, but we do share our experiences and what we consider important to remember. Hopefully both Dominants and submissives will get something out of this one.

From the show:

  • We’re planning for the one year anniversary of the podcast at the end of August with a giveaway of kinky fuckery from our favorite kinky shops. More details coming soon!
  • After the show on responsibilities, a friend said she might not be submissive because she’s so bad at being responsible. The answer to this is training.
  • Training is highly personal and unique to each D/s relationship.
  • The responsibility for training and guiding a submissive to help create the D/s relationship you both want lies mainly with the Dominant. Submissives have to be willing to participate, though.
  • Submissives don’t have to be – and shouldn’t be expected to be – perfect during training. The willingness to try is most important.
  • Dominants need to be consistent.
  • Dominants should communicate their needs and expectations clearly and in detail.
  • Submissives should be free to ask questions if there’s confusion or a concern.
  • Dominants should create consequences for misbehavior and missteps. Communicate those clearly so a submissive knows what to expect.
  • Appreciation and gratitude are powerful tools for training and can be more effective than harsh punishment or consequences.
  • Training never stops, and tasks can and should be adjusted as a relationship grows and changes over time.
  • Because you’re both learning about each other, in a D/s relationship, you’re both being trained but in different ways.
  • Take your training slow. Don’t throw a list of a dozen or more rules and tasks at a submissive and expect them to get it all right immediately.
  • Dominants who are new and unsure of how to proceed or where to begin with training should reach out to other Dominants you respect in the local community for guidance.

Listen to the show:

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Training is an art , and yes can only be successful if the submissive is willing or feels it is a need.
    Sitting back and watching the transformation, you can change someone’s thought process , habits and at times even needs.
    The first initial start is almost like a boot camp and consistency is the key to opening all doors and being able to break down any barriers.

  • Ask Mynx how many times I’ve been made to stand up and sit down “gracefully” without flopping… It’s not all kinky behaviors that need training, LOL.

    • Absolutely. It’s whatever a Dominant wants of their submissive. Kind of glad JB doesn’t mind me flopping, lol. I think that would be a VERY hard habit for me to break.

  • There are steps that should be taken before any type of training is brought up. Number one becoming friends, number two truly know your partner , three know that each sub is different. What worked for one will not work for another.

    It really cracks me up when a Dominant meets a new sub and twenty minutes into the conversation he states he would like to begin their training.

    Compatibility just because she is submissive , does not mean she is the submissive for you.

    Medical , depression , what medications are being taken and why , what or how will training effect ones mind….

    Okay ill shut up

    • I did mention that in the podcast, a sub I had prior to Kayla had very different protocols and tasks. HEr training was much different from Kayla’s.

      Each is unique unto themselves.

      While the gist of the talk was geared towards people in a committed relationship and was meant to be a basis or a foundation so to speak can only happen when you know the sub.

      In order to train or teach someone you have to know everything about them, their hopes, fears, and desires. Only then can you begin to train them and move them forward.

      As for medical conditions, etc yes that all has to be factored in. Just like I mentioned in the podcast I had to suspend D/s between Kayla and I for a short time when I moved her here due to certain circumstances that were effecting her.

      All those things need to be taken into consideration.

  • Umm yeah maybe he shouldn’t do the “Good girl” on the podcast because… DAMN! (fanning self) ?

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