6 Ways Munches are Like Any Other Social Gathering

6 Ways Munches Are Like Other Social Gatherings

6 Ways Munches Are Like Other Social Gatherings

Last week, John Brownstone and I spent four glorious hours in a restaurant hanging out with some of our favorite kinksters. It was our monthly munch, something we don’t get to attend as often as we like.

Everyone who attended was someone I like on a personal level or at least get a good vibe from. No weirdos (in the bad, creepy way, I mean), no wannabes on the hunt for a victim partner, just fun people with interesting stories to tell. We laughed so much and got so loud that our server had to close the door to the side room we use. Because when kinksters get loud and silly, someone usually sounds like they have kinky Tourette’s – not a good thing in a vanilla setting.

I know a lot of people who are terrified to go to a munch, by themselves or with their partner. It seems people active in the lifestyle are often seen as different from the average human being. I don’t know if that’s because they appear to be more open with their sexuality or if its because they are living a subversive, fringe life so therefore they must be subversive and fringe in every other facet.

Think about it, though. You’re in the lifestyle and (regardless of your own personal quirks) you’re a reasonably normal person. Right? So why shouldn’t people at the munch be normal, too?

6 Ways Munches are Like Other Social Gatherings

Sure, some of them may have superpowers like taking a two hour flogging or shoving a wine bottle up their ass, but by and large, they’re just like anyone else you’ll meet at any other social gathering.

Someone is always on a diet. I’m on the no bread, no pasta, no processed foods, no sugar kick again – except this time in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’d pay someone to let me eat Splenda packets. The munch was a test of my resolve. Across from me sat Mistress B and her submissive, X, who both ordered very specific salads. One of my favorite babygirls sat next to me and said she was going to the gym that night. No different from any other gathering of people everywhere – there’s always someone who wants to lose weight.

Someone always hates their job. Shitty bosses, crappy hours, bullshit policies. Sound familiar? Now, in this crew, two people work at adult bookstores and don’t seem to dislike their job. But they do have the best stories about the freaks (and I say that a self-professed freak myself) who walk in. People bitched about their jobs, but only a few had stories that involved glory holes, porn, and a homeless guy who turned down a home to get away from someone too freaky even for my friends at the munch.

Family drama knows no bounds. When you’re sitting down with hardcore BDSM lifestylers who have leather families, the term “family” might mean something different. But, the drama is the same. People lie, cheat, steal, and do whatever they can to get what they want, regardless of how it affects the people around them. I’m glad to say that the people I respect the most have no drama policies and weed those people out as soon as possible.

Gossip is still fun. No one outs fetishes or real names, but they will tell you who drinks when they play (a big no-no), who’s got emotional issues, who’s fun, and who isn’t. Basically, it’s a little bit like watercooler gossip except we’re talking about scenes and play, not work.

People get sick and die. Latecomers to the munch told us they were late because they were visiting a family member in the hospital. Someone else’s relative was just diagnosed with liver cancer. Of course, John Brownstone was surrounded by love and hugs for the recent death of his sister. We heard stories about a kinkster who knew his way around a flogger, the kind of play people like me would kill to try. He’s had to quit playing for health issues. No one is immune to bad health or tragedy.

Some people talk too much, and some people never open their mouth. I’m in the middle. Now that I’m comfortable, I’ll listen or join in as the mood strikes. But like any group of people, we all fall along the spectrum. Some people may say three words the whole time (gotta love my fellow introverts) and others dominate the conversation. Thankfully, this was a good group with good stories. Sometimes the extravert who won’t shut up gets on everyone’s nerves.

The topics of conversation are completely different. The names we go by don’t sound like anything you’ll hear at the book club. But when you go to a munch, it’s no different than any other social gathering.

I promise, at a good munch (and yes, there are some screwed up, trainwrecks out there), it’s just a time for people to come together, have a bite to eat, and talk. We all have idiosyncracies. We all have issues. What you think makes you weird or stand out is probably what will help you find your tribe. Kinky doesn’t mean perfect, just as it doesn’t mean deviant. People are people, regardless of our kinks.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Great insight. Personally I’m afraid of not being kinky enough to fit in. Maybe someday. I’d love the first hand mentoring.

    • There’s no such thing as “kinky enough” for the lifestyle. I promise no one is checking. I won’t lie, there are judgemental assholes in every walk of life, but in my experience, the vast majority of kinksters you’ll find at a munch are very friendly and open-minded. Everyone was new once. 🙂

  • I’ve been meaning to go to a munch. All my moving around makes it tough, but they seem interesting. It’s more my issues with talking to strangers that takes a bit of courage.

    • There’s a core group in each gathering, but people come and go all the time. No one will think it strange if you go to one and then don’t come back ever or for a while. And my issue is the same. I won’t lie – it’s definitely easier to go with someone you know. But if the group has an event page on Fetlife, you can always “meet” some of the other attendees online first so they’re not complete strangers the day of. 🙂

  • What you’re talking about really seems fun! Unfortunately, where I come from, it’s not a practice. Real kinksters hide in their privacy (me too). One club has opened and some kind of an “Kink Academy”. At first I was really happy and all positive, but then I did my little internet survey and got totally disappointed. The head Mistress of the Academy spoke with such belittling and despise of safewords, spounting some nonsense how if you’re a real Dominatrix you should know or be able to predict the boundaries of your sub (even if you meet them for the first time???) and it all sounded like some crappy act of pride. I didn’t like it. And I was at first so happy that I could go to that Academy and actually learn something more. The second thing was about events (parties) that Academy started to organize in one (and only) recently opened Kink bar in my country. After a little research, I saw that it’s all about wearing leather (something I personally find totally irrelevant), about showing their kinks one to another while heavily drinking and using substances, etc. etc. Lots of people coming there being wackos (and I don’t mean this in a good way, I mean it in the way your common sense will tell you that you should stay the hell away from them), lots of them being “in the business” and “fishing” for unexperienced and naive persons, lots of them just being plain posers. Maybe I’m too shy or too conventional, maybe I missed the opportunity of meeting someone really special, but I just can’t believe I can meet them in such a place. Where I live, the situation on the community forums is not much better, sadly. People are not “retarded” or conservative here, they just like their privacy.

    To cut long story short, I’m really glad I found your blog. You talk about things so openly, you are so caring and it really helps, and I mean it in essential way. So, I just want to say: THANK YOU!! And I do think that what you and your partner have, in fact is real love (the most taboo-word in 21st century). I congratulate the both of you and wish you all the best!!

    • I’m so glad that we’ve helped, and you’ve found us. And I absolutely hate that you’ve had that experience in your local community – but I also know that it happens in plenty of spaces and places. People think they’re the one right way and all others are wrong (le sigh) or they don’t make an attempt to help people feel welcome. Sometimes we have to make our own community – and I hope we’re part of that for you. 🙂

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