Prior to finding the kinky world of sex, BDSM, and rock and roll (wait? That can’t be right…), or whatever, I never thought I’d be attracted to anyone other than men. In my mind, I was strictly heterosexual and happy that way.
Enter the world of erotic imagery, kinky fuckery stories and experiences, and I started thinking, “Well…maybe not…” I was bi-curious – or whatever it’s called these days. I was interested, but the thoughts remained mostly in the fantasy world. It was all in my head, and it never centered around a specific person.
I watched, though, as friends of mine found soul sisters in kink and friendship. I was both happy for them and envious of what they had (and still have). I wanted that closeness, that bond. But I also know me. I’m a prickly pear when it comes to letting someone close – just ask John Brownstone. I have walls a mile thick and ten miles high. Only the truly determined can penetrate them.
Then I learned I’m of the demisexual persuasion – I don’t feel sexual attraction without a deep connection. I’ve always been that way (one night stands never did anything for me) even if I was wrong about the actual connection, but I never knew it had a name. I just figured that’s how I was.
Well, doesn’t that make this bi-curious, girl thing more difficult? I don’t let anyone in. I need a deep energy vibe connection. Oh, and I don’t talk to anyone I don’t know. (If Daddy would let me, I’d be a very happy hermit. Just sayin’…)
Then I met Master M. I’d known of her for well over a year. I’d met her in passing. She’s been in the lifestyle nearly 20 years, a Domme by nature, a ProDom, a club owner, and refers to herself as a feisty babygirl from time-to-time. I liked her immediately. I don’t gel with a lot of people. It’s all about energy for me, and if a vibe is good, I connect. If not, I’m polite but distant. It’s nothing personal; it’s just my nature. I never have been able to do the fake-nice, fake-conversation thing with people. The vibe has to be there. It was there, y’all.
Fast forward to the past few months. We’ve hung out. She scened with us and taught us both new things. She told Daddy that she considered us a part of her family now that we’ve played together. Yeah, there’s an energy. (I think after the scene was over – when I was a ball of mush and boneless – she jokingly asked if we were poly. Maybe not so jokingly?)
When the question came up with multiple dominants and multiple scenes (and yes, I will write about that soon. Promise!), Daddy asked the question that has stayed with me ever since…What if it became sexual between Master M and myself?
And there’s the unknowable answer. There’s the scenario I have no way of predicting. I’ve been kissed by one woman (she knows who she is. /waves!). But other than that, I know nothing. I know what my fantasies say are possible. I know that I respond to her dominant nature as the submissive I am. (For the record, I can only have one true Dominant…I can only imagine her as my top. I think. Maybe. Aw, who the hell knows?!)
Do I desire her? I think so. Do I desire her body or her energy? I don’t know. I like listening to her. I know I could learn a lot. My mouth waters (among other parts of my body) when her hands are on me or she growls in my ear. Hugging her feels uh-maze-ing. (She gives full-body, warm, comforting hugs – or is that just my perception of them?)
I don’t know her well enough to know how I’d respond if she and I ever…well, hell, I don’t know. Daddy knows that I’m okay if she joins us in a scene anytime. No need to ask. Just say tell her yes. (As the Dominant, he’s the one who’s asked, and then he asks me. Don’t ask me, just say yes.) I’ve been tempted to ask if we can arrange a private session at her club at some point this summer – for Daddy and myself, I mean. (This will be news to Daddy as I haven’t mentioned it until this moment. Hey, we’ve been busy. Kinky fuckery isn’t the thing we’ve had time to discuss. Le sigh.)
I don’t think I desire just the idea of her, but I know that’s a possibility. At this moment in time, as the words are being written, I don’t necessarily desire her body – simply her presence. Her touch – as a Domme, definitely. As a woman? I don’t know.
There’s a lot I don’t know…but I look forward to finding out.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! I’ve been out of the game for several weeks but I love responding to the prompts each week, so I figured it was time to make an extra effort. Okay, y’all, go forth and check out all the other goodness this week!
I think a private session at the club is an outstanding idea 😉
I do come up with some good ones. 😉
Wow you have put into words my feelings exactly. Have always thought I was bi-curious – yes I still call it that. I also think I could relate to a female as a Domme whether I would want anything else I am not sure. I would always want my Dom – when I get one to have the final say.
Frankly, having SSir makes all this so much easier. There’s none of the angst that comes with meeting someone new, wondering if they like you, blah, blah, blah. I have him, and he’s all I need. The rest is icing…fun, BDSM icing…our relationship eliminates all the other crap that comes with deciding if you like someone or not. 🙂
This is the exact point that my husband and I are at, only she isn’t pro domme.
Does that make us kinky adventure buddies? Gosh, I hope so! /hopeful look
Oh Kayla…. You know this touches my heart! I had spent my entire adult life not ever concidering that I would want, much less enjoy a woman. But once Sir planted that seed, and it was nurtured, and the chance of a lifetime happened for me and Peep, there was no turning back. Now it’s grown into a loving friendship that we protect with all our beings. My love for Sir is stronger than ever, and we have found a place for my love and desire of my dear friend that just fits!
So I say…the seed is there, water, and nurture it, and let it grow into what ever it will become!
Love and hugs friend….. Mynx
((HUGS)) Thanks, Mynx! Letting it grow into whatever it will be is exactly what I was thinking. No worries, no pressure. 🙂
I had my first time with a girl last night (and her boyfriend). It was really amazing, something I had wanted to try for a long time. I definitely recommend taking chances and pursuing desires with safe, cool, sexy people!
Safe, cool, sexy people – that’s exactly how it should be. Yay you! Rawr. 🙂
I’m loving your blog and happy I found it. I’d say follow your instincts and go slow. On another note, about your personality( warming up to people, not doing the fake conversation, etc.), That caught my eye. I can relate to that. It sounds like you’re an introvert. If you’d like to read a good book on that, Id suggest one called Quiet,The Piwer of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. Good read but eye opening.
Have a wonderful day.
I’m happy you found it, too! Welcome – we don’t bite…unless you’re into that.
I have read that book, and it changed my life. I’ve always shied away from the introvert label, but now I’m a happy hermit (well, wannabe hermit as SSir keeps forcing me out into public). I’ve recommended that book a few times myself. Eye opening is right!
I’ve found, over the last few years, I’m into many things. I’m still learning about the your world but I have a very strong desire for it. Reading your blog is helping me understand it more.
((HUGS)) That makes my whole day. If you ever have a question, feel free to shoot me an email. Happy to help if I can!
I’ve not heard of this particular element of sexuality. I’m someone who needs deep connections, but not necessarily for sexual attraction or levels of arousal. Very interesting.
I’m hoping you take the leap with her. I’m eager to hear how it’ll go!
I’m eager to find out how it’ll go, lol.
There are so many labels and definitions these days – I can’t keep up. But that one resonated for me. Unfortunately (for me) because a deep connection is necessary, I’ve let myself get confused about whether a connection was real or not and wound up burned. Thank gawd for SSir. 🙂
It looks like you have quite a discovering journey ahead of you, and those can be SO much fun!
I’m nervous but excited, curious but keeping my expectations realistic. I think the journey, if nothing else, will be fun. 🙂
One of the things I love about BDSM and D/s is the fact that we constantly learn and evolve as individuals and as a couple. We find new things, both things we like and things we don’t. I know all relationships should be this way but in my experience D/s seems to inspire it to a much greater depth
I agree. When the communication and trust are there, it’s amazing the levels that you can reach. I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) do this without SSir by my side and with his approval. I think he wants this as much as (I think) I do.
I can relate to this so much. The excitement and anticipation of new things and finding out so much more about ourselves along the way.
It’s very exciting, isn’t it? It’s a little addictive. The more I learn, the more I want to learn. 🙂
“There’s a lot I don’t know…but I look forward to finding out.” This is, perhaps, one of the most amazing things about sexuality…learning what turns you on and makes your body sing. Great post, Kayla. Hope you enjoy the journey! 🙂
I’m skipping all the way down the kinky yellow brick road. 😀