A Note To Doms

For the record, this is really what I wanted to share tonight. Have I mentioned how much I love Tumblr? I could never say this better. I felt like he was describing me. Maybe I really am a natural submissive – whatever the hell that means.

From Her Master (he wrote this, not me, and I reblogged it on my Tumblr):

A note to Doms: the Women We Love.

If you are truly going to own and dominate a woman, you must understand her. Everyone, of course, is unique, but I’ve seen some of the same things over and over between the submissive women I have known:

  • They are motivated by a deep desire to please. When you ask a “vanilla” woman what to do, she will sometimes reply “whatever you want”, which is simply annoying. However, you must understand that phrase for what it is from a submissive. She wants more than anything to please you. Whatever plans or ideas she had on her schedule, if she can make you happy she will be more fulfilled than doing whatever she wanted to do for herself. You must understand that phrase for what it is.
  • Now, this can easily become abuse. Every submissive woman I have ever personally known has been through a number of abusive relationships. She gives and men take and take and it becomes abusive. Weak men with self-esteem issues are often drawn to these women, which compounds the problem. It takes enormous strength and experience to take from a woman like this (which is what she needs) without abusing her. Your job is to soak up all her love and affection and attention, help her find ways to please you, while supporting and strengthening her as a person. This takes wisdom, experience, and, I believe, some age. I cannot imagine a 20 year old guy being a successful “dom” in any real sense of the word.
  • When you find her, she will likely have things in her past she is not proud of, and you may not be either. That doesn’t matter. You must accept her exactly as she is, with all of her flaws, imperfections and mistakes and you must never hold them against her. If you are worthy of the task, she will be transformed by her relationship with you… practically an alchemical transformation… lead into gold was only a metaphor for transformation you know? It was always about transforming the common and the broken into the sublime. If you can’t accept her, you can’t have her.
  • She needs to understand and to come to trust that you are not like the people who have hurt her in her past. She has developed complex coping and self-protective mechanisms. If you would possess her, you must strip them away and this takes time, love and persistence. If you do not do that, then your relationship will be a sham because you don’t have her, you have the face she has prepared to protect herself from the outside world.
  • She will naturally subjugate her desires to yours. In my opinion, you have a sacred responsibility to build her up and to strengthen her as a person. Again, you better have the wisdom and experience to do this… if not, find your way together, but be honest with her that you cannot give her what she needs.
  • A continuation of the above point: not every submissive is a masochist… often they are, but not always. New and wanna-be Doms need to be told this because if she sees you want to beat her even if she doesn’t want it, she won’t say no. In my opinion, if you find a woman you really care about, you need to do a lot of work understanding what makes her tick, and that does take work. My girl, for instance, literally could not answer the question “what do you want?” when we started talking. Could not answer it. You do not realize how difficult that question can be for a natural submissive, but you need to teach her how to think about it and answer it sometimes.
  • Above all… above all other things… be honest with her. In a relationship like this, trust is the one thing that cannot be repaired. If you damage it, you’re done. You also need to be aware that most of these women (in my experience) have an uncanny sixth sense. They are actually or very nearly psychic and will read all of your communications on every level. Don’t lie to them. It’s not worth it and once they catch you in a single lie, you now go into the same pile of “men who hurt her” and you will never truly be trusted again.
  • There is no depression or sorrow that can compare to what happens when you hurt or disappoint one of these women. Make sure you understand the responsibility you are assuming when you begin a relationship. On the other hand, they are capable of loving on a level that you probably cannot even begin to comprehend.
  • Again let me say this clearly: you have tremendous, profound and sacred responsibility for and to this woman. Don’t fuck around with this lightly.
  • This post is not about sex. Done properly, neither is your relationship with her.

One last point… if you are ever fortunate enough to meet a natural submissive who is at a point in her life where she can give herself to you, and if you have within yourself what it takes to master her… well… there is no force in the universe like what you are about to experience. Be forewarned because you cannot possibly be prepared.

“There is no force in the universe like what you are about to experience…” This was the point when I cried. But the whole thing is just beautiful. Go check out his Tumblr, too.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I read this tonight too! A friend sent it to me. I wish my D would read it. I adore him, but he breaks my heart sometimes.

        • In my humble opinion, a D is supposed to be open to communication from the s…or the whole thing doesn’t work. Now, as a fellow s, I know we’re programmed to be TERRIFIED of confessing our true feelings – usually for the fear of hurting someone. If you are sensitive about this, it shouldn’t hurt him…just tell him you wanted to share it with him. I can imagine you know exactly how to approach someone without hurting their feelings. Nearly every sub I’ve ever met has been doing this our whole life…this is no different…but you definitely should talk to him…imho


  • Thank you for posting this, It is so important for people to understand that a D/s relationship is so much more than just the kink than many believe it is x

  • Thank you for posting this. I am slowly beginning to understand who i really am. I have always been a natural submissive. Not knowing this and not having a man who grasped it has caused major problems in my life, and subsequent marriage. He would ask my opinion, my wants, and i had none, becuase my want was his happiness. I gave to him something he was not geared to handle. Now i wonder if i tried to explain this to him, if he could understand or if would be to much.
    And i wonder if i want to because i have met a man who knows this, is capable of holding me as i should be held, and loves me with my flaws. At this moment. it is all to much to wrap my head and heart around.

  • Reblogged this on hotlilmess and commented:
    This is fantastic on so many levels. It is far too informative to not reblog. Please read, enjoy, learn, and pass the knowledge on.

  • thank you for teaching me. i found this via ineedyoutoneedme’s reblog. you reinforce the very ideas she does, and for that, for both of you, i am grateful. i have yet to find my Master, but because of you both, i know who i can’t serve..someone that likes the idea of being a dom. a person without the feeling and trust that goes with it. someone that just likes to hurt, for hurting’s sake. i deserve a Dom/me that understands…me, and the gift i am bringing them. and vice versa.

    • I think the key to a successful D/s relationship is understanding that very thing. I have been fortunate to not end up in a bad situation, but other submissives haven’t been so lucky. Hopefully, you will only know joy in D/s. It is a beautiful thing…

  • Reblogged this on Sharing Our Connection and commented:
    Wow… just wow… This is so dead right. Me.

  • Reblogged this on Sharing Our Connection and commented:
    Wow… just wow… This is so dead right. Me.

  • Reblogged this on Sharing Our Connection and commented:
    Wow… just wow… This is so dead right. Me.

  • It is easy to Dominate someone, but to truly know someone takes much time. Telling you to get on your knees is not dominating someone. Looking out for the submissive’s best interest, and providing complete structure , rules that have nothing to do with fucking. Rules that have nothing to do with sucking cock, that is real Dominance.

    Maybe you are submissive, or maybe your ?

  • how i wish every ‘wanna be Dom’ knew that. you can’t possibly understand, at 19 or 24 what it means to truly dominate someone imo. i want your head and your heart too. the rest is gravy! 🙂

  • Reblogged this on paralysisanalysis's Blog and commented:
    Dear Incubus, I pray you find idle time and read this without me having to send you a link or prod. Her Master eloquently wrote what you magically seemed to grasp. Fate? Luck? I have no idea how you do it.
    Your instant grasp on these critical points amazes me. Just like you do.
    I am amazed that I am your FIRST masochistic, submissive exploration play partner and property… You are a natural at this. You are my sexy sadistic stud and indeed I enjoy each second in your complete control.
    “She does what she’s told.”
    ‘She’ loves serving each second, sexually or casually.
    Regardless how it ends, I do wish to get that tattoo. To honor all you have bravely explored with me, all you have helped me through. Also for finally finding someone both capable and competent enough to give myself to entirely and only be hurt in good, safe and enjoyable ways.
    Bizarre how much you own me. Yet, truly I can not be entirely yours. I will never leave the Beloved Hubs. Your understanding acceptance of that blows me away. I wish I could give you more as your place with me is beyond sacred and surreal. That terrifies me. You terrify me. My utter dependence on you terrifies me.
    Thank you is insufficient.

  • hey, just happened upon this post and found it very insightful. I have naturally submissive feelings in relation to men without ever having had an official “domination/subordination” relationship, but I think a lot about my desire to “serve” a man that I adore. And it is certainly true that naturally submissive women are attuned psychically to everything that goes on within their man and use this information to please them to their best ability. My thought is that in this way, a submissive woman is really like a mother to her partner, and she gains a special kind of power over him in her ability to indulge and give the way a mother does; yet at the same time she is like a child seeking a father to provide her with protection and structure. She puts herself in such a vulnerable place and has to stay there in order get what she desires, and it is comforting to hear another person acknowledge how deep that pain that can come out of that can be.

    • When you give yourself over to another person completely, it’s not that you lose yourself (like some may think), it’s that you intertwine yourself with them. When the relationship ends, a part of who you are is now missing depending on how closely linked you were.

      It’s a beautiful relationship but it breaks a person when it ends. I’m broken now and I know it. I don’t know if there’s a Dominant man strong enough or interested enough in dealing with all of that just to be with me. But I’m also not worried about that right now either.

      That being said, it is worth it. The love and care that each side brings to the other is beautiful.

      • I disagree. When a healthy relationship ends in a healthy way, both parties leave intact and whole. I have been through many strange relationships in my life. Yes afterwards there was often a period of silence as we managed to work on ourselves. After that period, almost all of my ex lovers have become close friends and important people in my life.

        • Well, maybe because this relationship didn’t that way indicates why I feel the way I do. Our relationship didn’t end because we fell out of love or whatever. It ended because of circumstances beyond our control and we (ok, maybe just I) weren’t prepared for it. It was a shock to the system and it shattered me.

          Yet, if he called me tomorrow, I’d be by his side no questions asked. The hardest part is knowing that won’t happen.

          • I disagree with ParalysisAnalysis . What Kayla is saying is more true in a D’s relationship. The breakup is more harmful to the submissive or slave, depending on how much control was giving.
            A sub or slave has a sense of being lost, not sure how to even go about daily activities.
            I have been through a breakup and it was very devastating to the slave, it took her a couple of yrs for her to get back on track.

            Everyone is different, we think , and act different, our emotions are different. What may not effect you may effect Kayla in a different way.

          • I am almost scared to ask what happened.
            Chin up, you had some great times and experiences together. Everything happens for a reason right? You have some great memories and have learned something along the line to make you better in the long run!

          • In his words, “Right people, wrong time.” Sometimes life just sucks.

            So here I am, chin up, putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can do…

  • I re-blogged this so my master could read it.
    Your master truly hit the nail on the head with this.
    And my master apparently peeks at my blog and did read my re-blogging (with my comments added regarding how much I adore him for nailing each aspect of this naturally) Thank you so much for sharing!

    • I wish I had a Sir (I don’t)…I happened to find it on Tumblr and it spoke to me. But I am SO glad that yours read it and that it meant something to you. That’s why I like to share the things I find… 🙂

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