You already know I don’t consider submission a sign of weakness. And I’ve admitted before that sometimes I have to take charge of a situation.
I’m capable of tough love, too. And even our big, bad Dominants need that from time to time.
Nothing Made Him Happy
Daddy has this ability to take a not-so-bad problem and make it seem not-so-great.
“They didn’t have the coffee I wanted. And yeah, they gave me a free dessert and a coupon. But I’m still not happy.”
We call this grousing. It’s sometimes how I tease him out of a bad mood. He’ll say something like this, and I’ll just respond with, “Grouse, grouse, grouse” in my best grumpy voice. That usually breaks the tension and gets him to smile.
This time, he groused about little things, but my teasing didn’t work at all. He was decidedly down in the dumps.
(Side note: at this point, no one wants his computer fixed more than I do.)
On our evening walk…
“At least they’re sending you a new motherboard, free of charge. It’ll probably be here by the time we return from our trip. That’s good, right?”
“Well, yeah. But what’s the point? Maybe someone’s trying to tell me I shouldn’t move forward with our business plans. Maybe this is all a bad idea.”
I stopped walking and stood still. In a bit of shock.
“Are you trying to say that if your computer died and we hadn’t made plans, you wouldn’t fix it?”
“Well, no. Of course not!” He sounded a bit affronted.
“Exactly. No matter what, you need a working computer. This is just a temporary setback – as annoying as it has been for both of us.” I took a deep breath. I was about to go out on a limb. “Daddy, this is more than a grumpy, grousy thing.”
He looked at me, defeated, miserable, shoulders slumped.
“Ever since this damn computer thing, you’ve been completely off.”
He nodded. We kept walking. And I kept talking.
“First of all, even without our plans, we would fix your computer. And the damn thing will get fixed if it means we’re buying a brand new one off the shelf. You need your computer, and you’ll get one.
He took a deep breath. “This is about more than a computer.” He looked at me. “Everything has been off lately.”
I Tell Him Like It Is
The conversation continued a bit, but he put a stop to it with a few simple words. “I’ll tell you more about it later.”
That night, in the shower, his face had never been longer. The look in his eyes was a mix of worry, sorrow, and something that looked like defeat. I didn’t like it.
“What is really going on?”
He finally started talking. He admitted to feeling off, to stressing about his own dominance, to letting stress get in between him and our relationship. The kinky fuckery had died down a bit and I was getting away with a lot of sassy behavior.
(For the record, he had continued to be great from my perspective – loving, caring, amazing.)
He finally said what I think had been on his mind the whole time.
“What if I don’t always feel Dominant? Can you handle that?”
That’s when the real discussion began.
“You are always a Dominant, even when we’re not being kinky. You’re dominant because I submit. Always. I defer to you. I ask your opinion. I seek your guidance.” I stared into his eyes, long and hard, determined that he understand this. “You stop being my Dominant when I stop submitting, and that’s not going to happen.”
I reminded him about all the ways I submit that have nothing to do with sex. All the rules I follow, without being told. All the tasks I complete, without being asked.
“I don’t know where your confidence has gone, but I am completely yours. There has yet to be anything you’ve asked of me that I won’t do.” He nodded. I continued. “My submission is freely given, and yours to take. Whenever you want.”
The conversation continued as we dried hair, put on clothes, listened for cranky little boys downstairs.
“Maybe my lack of domination has been why you’ve been walking the line between sassy and bratty, babygirl.” That gave me pause and made me think for a moment.
“I never intend to act bratty, but I can admit that if it happens, it’s for one reason, and one reason only.” Another deep breath. “It will be a subconscious push for you to deal with me.”
I emphasized subconscious, because the idea of purposefully acting bratty actually makes me sick to my stomach. (I’m kind of a goody-two-shoes, good girl, lol.)
I Shocked Myself
I’m kind of an in-your-face girl when I know I’m right. I’m plainspoken, no nonsense, no bullshit. I tend to be assertive in that mode.
I’d never been that way with Daddy. Not to that extent.
After we talked. After he admitted I’d given him something to think about. After the sorrowful look finally left his face, I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned in close.
“I didn’t make you mad, did I, Daddy?”
“I wasn’t too blunt?” I was really concerned that I’d crossed a line.
“No, babygirl. You gave me exactly what I needed.”
We held each other for a while, warm and quiet.
Because I can’t stand things to be quiet and somber for too long, I leaned back and looked into his eyes. “That’s me, the Tough Love Queen.”
He laughed, which was my goal all along. “Yes you are. And thank you, babygirl. You did the perfect thing for me.”
The next day, we talked more, and he reiterated that I’d given him exactly what he needed – a verbal kick in the ass.
It felt strange to do, but it was important. I reminded him that our relationship is based on taking care of each other, and that I’m not afraid of be tough with him when I know he needs it.
“For that, babygirl, I thank you.”
I share this story for several reasons, but the main one is this…submission isn’t just about meek voices, lowered eyes, and bowed heads. Sometimes the best way to take care of a Dominant is to find the thing that will snap him out of the bad, destructive mood he’s in. For us, it’s plain speech and a lot of tough love.
It’s an absolute pleasure to watch the two of you find your way. I think you’re doing an amazing job. Day to day life is not always very sexy. Never lose sight of why you are together. To love and take care of each other. Keep doing what you’re doing!!!
((HUGS)) Thank you. Funny thing was that it felt right to speak that way, be that way – in the moment. But afterwards, I questioned myself. Just glad I was able to help him. 🙂
So I erased my first reply. Because this is a really thinky thing. And I want to say it right, you know? So this may be long, but…I’ll try to not maunder on forever!
For M and I–who do not live together 24-7–it took some time for us to find that balance between the vanilla stuff that is part of a relationship. Maybe I should call it a “real-lationship”…because if you’re really truly invested in it, it will included paying bills, or who picks up the milk from the grocery…(that’s not always a D/s thing, yanno? Sometimes it’s a “who is closer because we need to save on gas” kind of thing.). Or in my case, finding out what’s up with his (adult) kids that has him concerned, It includes what’s up with my car, my kids, his car, his plumbing, my never-ending illness, His work, my wife—it’s all there–part of what makes us “us” and part of what we bring to the table when we commit to being in relationship with one another.
I’m sure there are D/s couples who leave all that outside the door and just dive into kinky fuckery and forget their regular lives while they play. And for them, maybe that’s exactly what they need. For me, all the various threads of my life are knotted intrinsically into who I am–I cannot separate the one from the other. He is part of my life, and is interested in my goings on. Just as I am with him.
And He (my “he” and many other “hes” out there) can’t be that “macho dom” every second of every day. Sure, he’ll occasionally, in the middle of telling me something and I interrupt, will give me a firm “shut UP nilla”…(which makes me giggle)…because I’m super bad about interrupting…is that D/s? Well, sure, because He can tell me to shut up whenever he wants. He’s the boss. As you said…my submission means that I am his to do with as he wants, when he wants. And sometimes that will look “vanilla”. There are undercurrents there–the ones that we give that are just a part of who we’ve carved ourselves to BE for them..but it’s also okay for them to know that we love them and don”t expect them to shoulder every burden alone, to be the “Big Bad Dommy guy”. It’s okay if sometimes they want to ease back and not be the Controller. Because sometimes we just know what to do without that.
That doesn’t make D/s part time. It only makes it real(er).
Yes, yes, and yes…to all of it. We can go from appearing vanilla to quite D/s-y in about 2 seconds. And sometimes my submission requires that I take the lead. 🙂
Kayla (and John Brownstone) what an amazing post. This was actually crossing my mind this morning. The Dominants in our lives are human, and yes, they are Dominant by nature, wanting to have control and to guide us and our families but they get overwhelmed too, they question themselves at times, and stumble. It’s our belief and trust in them that allows them to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and march on ahead, knowing we are behind them smiling, or working to clear their path of obstacles when they occur. You got this John Brownstone, and you have Kayla Lords all around you clearing the distractions for you so you can do what you do best. Much love to you both.
((HUGS)) Love and hugs to you, too, Peep.
I think that’s the biggest fallacy of all in the world of BDSM – especially the online world. This idea that Doms are always tough, hard, and in charge. No actually, they’re human and they need support. I consider it another way of serving him and serving our relationship. 🙂
Exactly. I hope this post gets a lot of readership!
I did need that verbal talking to. Even though I know/knew what needs to be done to get my computer back up ad running again and I was moving in that direction in some ways it still was weighing me down.
You are always there for me babygirl and I am so very grateful.
Just as you’re always there for me. It’s a give and take thing…and we do it better than I ever could have imagined. I love you, Daddy.
This is why I love you. 🙂
Awwww, I love you, too. 😀
If I could click like on this several times more I would, you are right we Doms need to be told straight to our faces at times. I loved reading that, thanks for sharing!
Thank you! And you’re welcome!
I think we all need a reminder sometimes that D/s doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Real people, real issues, and submission doesn’t mean meek. 😀
I think I’ve mastered the straight talk part of being his sub. Like SSir, Mr. HH sometimes gets caught up in his own head and needs to have a gentle reminder that it’s ok to be human.
Hugs, girly! Being in a relationship is give and take. The D/s requirement demands respect but not bullshit!
I. Love. That. “The D/s requirement demands respect but not bullshit.” Every submissive should sear that into their brain.