Submissive

To My Single #Submissive Friends – Be Brave

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I worry for my single submissive friends. I worry for single submissives, in general. The submissives I’ve met have huge, generous hearts and an amazing capacity for love and devotion. But some of you put up with major crap in the name of love.

“I’m afraid to tell my Dominant [fill in the blank].”

“My Dominant doesn’t like it when I [add normal, healthy activities].”

“He isn’t interested in meeting my friends, and he wants me to stop [doing/going typical, healthy activities].”

“He has sex with other women – does that make us poly?”

“He’s uncomfortable with my friends – even though he doesn’t want to meet them.”

“He doesn’t return phone calls, texts, or emails for days. And he’s promised it won’t happen again – but then it does.”

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. It happens to so many submissives and in so many different ways – and to so many people that I like and respect.

The Drive to Submit

Here’s the thing: when you realize that you’re submissive, and you realize that what you need out of a partner is a Dominant, it becomes a major urge. Peep reblogged something called “sub frenzy” on her blog, and although I’m a couple years out of that time in my life, I recognized a lot of myself in the description. (Go read it, I’ll wait. If you’re submissive, you’ll probably see yourself in it, too.)

When I realized I was submissive, it was the missing puzzle piece of who I am finally clicking into place. A lot of the things I’d done over the years, the things I’d felt, the things I wanted – they all made more sense once I understood who and what I am. I knew, as a single woman, I needed and wanted a Dominant partner. I couldn’t be satisfied with anything less – I knew that because I never had been before.

Looking for relationships in this day and age is both harder and simpler than ever before. It’s easy because there are so many sites geared just to that and harder because it allows the posers, the creeps, the fakes, and the abusers easier access to people who are looking for love. Looking for love seems like it can be a full-time job with plenty of hazards.

A willing submissive, desperate to submit and feel complete, has her pick of places to find someone. And from what I can tell, all she has to do is put up a profile and the creeps come out of the wood works. She’s easy pickings for assholes and unhealthy relationships. To my single submissive friends – you deserve to be wooed. You deserve truth and honesty. You deserve great, amazing things. The Dominant who can’t do that for you is not worthy of your submission.

Submissives have this amazing capacity to give – it’s part of our nature. The problem, from what I’ve seen, is that we also give when we shouldn’t. Yes, submitting means giving up control and giving of ourselves on a level most can’t understand. In a D/s relationship, the Dominant’s first thought and care is supposed to the well-being of the submissive. Too many subs forget that the partnership between Dominant and submissive is equal but different. You give in your way, and a Dominant gives in their way. When you give more than you receive consistently, that’s not D/s and it’s not a healthy relationship.

Putting Aside Doubts and Questions in the Name of Submission

Here’s the deal, submission does not mean doormat. Submission does not mean meek or weak. Submission is earned – and it is earned every fucking day. Yes, yes, a submissive needs to be worthy of the Dominant, but never, ever forget that the Dominant must be worthy of the submissive, too.

Before you submit, that Dominant better spend some time becoming your friend first. He/she better get to know as much about your likes, dislikes, family, friends, history, and so much more before there’s ever talk about Dominance and submission. People “marvel” at the relationship John Brownstone and I have, that it seems so good and perfect. First of all, nothing is perfect and second of all, he became my best friend before the first sexual anything happened, before he Dominated me for the first time, before any of it. He knew as much about me as possible before we took the next step.

You cannot put aside every single doubt and question just to submit. You need to be filled with them, and the person vying to become your Dominant better be able to answer your questions and realize that doubts are healthy. No, Dominants aren’t perfect – they’re human. So are you. But both of you have to be completely comfortable in your relationship if it’s going to work.

When a Dominant doesn’t respond to you for days on end – you have every right to be upset and to question it. And to expect real answers.

When you feel you’re being lied to or mislead – you need to question it and demand answers. Lies and half-truths aren’t part of your dynamic. Only you can decide if you can forgive and move forward – but always, always confront the lies.

If your Dominant doesn’t want to know anyone in your life (especially in the name of privacy) – think long and hard before you accept that. I haven’t met a kinkster yet who doesn’t respect other people’s anonymity. And I question anyone who doesn’t want to be known by the people who may mean the most to you. My take on it is that they don’t want to be judged by your friends or family because they know they’ll be found wanting.

The only way D/s works is through communication. When you have questions or doubts, you must say something. If you can’t talk to your Dominant about everything (yes, actually I mean every single fucking thing), the dynamic, and ultimately, the relationship is doomed.

Fear

Here’s what I see (based on observations):

You’re afraid of being alone.

You’re afraid of never finding a good Dominant.

You’re afraid of being told you’re not a real submissive.

You’re afraid to ask the hard questions and say what you think.

It’s okay to be afraid. Every Dominant I’ve ever met that’s worth anything respects the fears of a submissive and is willing to overcome them.

But don’t accept less than you deserve out of fear. It’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship that makes you question everything and doubt yourself. It’s better to be alone than isolated from friends and family. It’s better to be alone than to be lied to about anything.

I know, I know, some of you are thinking it’s so easy for me because I have an amazing Daddy (and he is uh-maz-ing). But our relationship didn’t spring from the ground fully formed into what you see on the pages of this website. I made that poor man work damn hard to crack the walls I kept up between myself and all men. I spent time talking to several men while I was getting to know him because I was afraid of commitment. He didn’t just immediately email me and start dominating me. He isn’t that type and I wouldn’t have allowed it. Frankly, that poor man was questioned more by me in the first few months after we met than any FBI interrogator could ever do.

Look, we all come into potential relationships with whatever baggage we have left over from the previous relationships. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of heart break. Desperation to love and be loved. Whatever it is, it can’t be ignored. I get that.

The thing is, my heart hurts when I see what I consider to be very smart women making decisions not based on their own instincts (which are usually screaming at them) or by the information they themselves admit is good advice (the warnings about fake Doms, the red flags about abusers, etc.). The desperation to submit and feel complete as a human being is a real thing. The need and desire to submit is heady and intoxicating (I promise, I know how that feels). But none of that should trump your own independence as a human being, your own intellect, or your own instincts.

Question. Demand answers. Negotiate based on what you want and need out of a relationship. And sometimes, be brave enough to walk away from the one who’s not right for you. You deserve more than good enough. You deserve great. You deserve amazing. You deserve life-changing, mind-blowing, and all-consuming.

If I could wave my magic wand, you’d only meet good, strong Dominants who are willing to build something with you, who understand that D/s isn’t fantasy but the reality of two people building something together – and I’d grant you plenty of kinky sex. Since I can’t do that, I’ll ask for just one thing. Be brave. Be brave enough to stand up for yourself. Be brave enough to walk away from less than you deserve. Be brave enough to question and expect answers. The Dominant who is worthy of your submission won’t run away in fear – they’ll be brave with you.

 

Post updated: July 26, 2017

Was this post meaningful and helpful? You might enjoy my new website – Loving BDSM – a community and weekly podcast devoted to helping people find and enjoy healthier D/s relationships and kinky lives. Check it out at http://lovingbdsm.net.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

43 Comments

  • Excellent article Kayla, all we can do is keep hammering home the message and hope it sinks in. Thanks for the link back too!

    Peep

    • Thanks for posting that blog…it has stayed with me ever since, and it will be used in upcoming projects – the concept will be, I mean.

      I figure if I upset someone it’ll be because it home.

  • I cringe every time I hear of a submissive say things like the comments you mentioned. A Dominant isn’t a bully who runs roughshod over a submissive, Those things are trademarks of a disrespectful douchebag — kinky and vanilla. Real Dominance is about earning respect through trust, taking responsibility of a submissive’s well being, and exerting control in play and in the relationship mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

    Here’s what I would say to these comments from submissives:

    “I’m afraid to tell my Dominant [fill in the blank].” — You should never be afraid of your Dominant. A Dominant may challenge you sexually, emotionally, physically and intellectually but will always know or be open to hearing when when he/she has taken things too far (read: http://www.sugarbutch.net/2014/10/dear-tops/ and will take concern and responsibility for your well being.

    “My Dominant doesn’t like it when I [add normal, healthy activities].” – That’s just fuckin’ warped.

    “He isn’t interested in meeting my friends, and he wants me to stop [doing/going typical, healthy activities].” – When things go beyond just play between a Dom and a sub, there has to be a healthy balance between everyday life and D/s dynamics. Being not interested in meeting friends is not a healthy trait of any relationship. It shows lack of genuine interest in and respect for a sub.

    “He has sex with other women – does that make us poly?” — Only if you consent to it.

    “He’s uncomfortable with my friends – even though he doesn’t want to meet them.” — How can anyone be uncomfortable around people they’ve never met? That’s just being an asshole.

    “He doesn’t return phone calls, texts, or emails for days. And he’s promised it won’t happen again – but then it does.” Once a promise is broken, that breaks trust. Trust is earned; it’s not an entitlement. And that kind of behavior is rude and disrespectful in any kind of relationship. (Now if not calling is a punishment of something you doing something wrong and you were fully aware of the consequence beforehand, that’s a totally different thing.)

    Hearing these things makes me want to send some Doms I know over and have a come-to-Jesus talk with these guys.

  • I like that you mention everyone has baggage. Regardless of the nature of the relationship the baggage is there. I toy with submitting, but am too nervous to truly consider it. Add not being able to find anyone steady, dependable, and strong enough to handle me and I’m left just playing at it occasionally. Oh well.

    • You should be nervous. Giving up control to another individual is exciting, but it’s scary the first time. If you ever find the person you trust completely, it may be something you want to consider, but you’re right to sit that part out if the person you’re with doesn’t instill complete confidence.

      And yes, everyone has baggage. That’s probably another post – the baggage doesn’t just magically disappear when you enter a D/s relationship. In fact, it HAS to be dealt with in order for the relationship to really work.

  • So excellent! I’m thankful every day I’m not out there looking for someone. The stories I hear are frightening. Glad you are writing about the dangers.
    Xo

  • Resisting the urge to get into a “twue” dominance and submission discussion, as far as I’m concerned once it moves into that kind of territory, we’re not talking D/s, we’re talking about an abuser (mental, physical, emotional) and their victim.

    A lot of my submissive friends have fallen into bad relationships with bad “dominants” and it’s sad to see, especially when they’re new, because they’re usually depending on the “experienced, mature” dominants to lead them by the nose.

    I don’t worry, necessarily, about single submissives, so much as I worry about new submissives.

    This is an excellent post though… well thought out, relevant, important.

    🙂

    xoxo

    • The reason I felt compelled to write this is I was watching single submissives who AREN’T new go against their own instincts and knowledge in order to submit. There are inherent risks for newbies, too but I worry for those who know better and ignore what they know to be true about D/s all in the name of saving a relationship.

    • Awww, thanks, ‘Tis. I just worry – and since I can’t exactly take over the lives of all my friends, I figured I’d do the one thing I’m really good at – lecture. 😉

  • […] The Love Letter of O To My Single Submissive Friends – Be Brave […]

  • […] The Love Letter of O To My Single Submissive Friends – Be Brave […]

  • I so loved this post. I am afraid that I won’t find a good Dominant and more importantly, that I’ll be hurt in the processes of finding one. Physically and emotionally. Thank you for your wonderfully written post. Give me much hope.

    • I wish I could tell you that you won’t be hurt. It’s a possibility in any relationship, but take your time and keep your defenses up until the big questions and a lot of the little ones can be answered by any prospective Dominant. The good ones, I’ve found, are open and honest, willing to share with you because they know it’s required in a solid D/s relationship. Don’t settle for second best and listen to your gut. Your gut knows when something isn’t right with someone.

      ((HUGS)) Thanks for visiting this kinky corner of the world. I hope you come back soon. We don’t bite…unless you’re into that. 🙂

  • […] The Love Letter of O To My Single Submissive Friends – Be Brave […]

  • It’s good to see this. Your Dom should be always looking to make you grow and explore, not bring you down in the mire of basic relationships. Good article.

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