Am I Real?

Is anything about me real anymore?

I write steamy fantasies that live in my head and were only allowed to see daylight because of a man no longer in my life.

I exist in the virtual world as Kayla Lords, unafraid to say to people unknown and unseen that yes, I’m sexually submissive and kinky as hell. I create connections with people who may never hear my voice, see my face, or be in my space.

I get thrills when people like, comment, follow, whatever in whatever online space I’m obsessing over that day. Am I seeking validation from anonymous, faceless strangers online? That can’t be healthy.

When I think I’m establishing connections with people, becoming real to them, they disappear. I know it’s the nature of online connections (friendship and romantic). Real life intervenes and since the online person is less real than the people you see day to day, it’s easy to walk away, forget, and not look back. I’m not exactly new to the internet, I get it. And I’ve probably done it myself in the past.

Am I real to anyone? There are people I consider very real. Is that just another example of me caring more than they do? Probably so.

So what brought on this new angst?

Sadly enough, I did. Maybe it’s too dangerous for me to write about old fantasies – even the slightly altered versions. Maybe that’s me touching a sore point too soon. Maybe I’m not brave enough. Maybe it’s too real, and I need to be less real.

Maybe I need to be someone that people only think they know. Maybe who I am isn’t as fun, sexy, or whatever as this persona I’ve created for myself. Maybe this isn’t really me. Who the hell am I?

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


      • Ok, let’s start with “She” (as in, whoever the hell She is)

        What does She want out of life?

        What excites her (not just naughty stuff) what are her passions?

        What is she scared of trying, but wants so badly?

        What is stopping her from bliss?

        What is her true north?

        Don’t answer here, just have the convo between You and Her.

        I understand the transient nature of the online world and relationships forged here. But the power of sharing ideas still has magic here. This persona you use, is still born from you. You are real.

        I may never hear your voice, never meet you. But I know you are a real person. With ideas and wants and desires and an imagination. When I read your work, or we spar in a comment section. I know there is a real person behind your words. I don’t know you well. I know only what you want us to see. But a very real person made those choices of what to show us and what not. Very real.

        I’m going to shut up now. I SOOO feel i’ve overstepped my station. I’ll just skulk off and go back to my smutty stories…

  • All very good points. It is always good to question. I am sure there are some perfectly pointed and appropriate quotes to put here about the unquestioned life but I’m too lazy to go find them.

    I know you, a little bit, your “true” face. I say you are all that you put online and more. You are smart and wise, cute and fun, sexy and brave. I am often blown away by your strength.

    The online community is a puzzle to me, and I love puzzles. IMHO, it is a place to work out our shit, a very safe place. We can come here wounded and find solace. We can come here joyful and find affirmation. It is a stage where we play out our drama in a certain amount of safety, but the feelings are also quite real.

    I cried for the Velveteen Rabbit. He was no less real to me than you are, or Sir S was. I think those of us who come here with our slice of life have that amazing ability to cross the line between fantasy and reality, between truth and fiction, and actually live our hopes and dreams in the written word.

    I think we’re damn lucky.

    That may not answer any of your questions but I know you will find your own answers.

  • We are not what we imagine ourselves to be. We are not what others think they see us to be. We are the slovenly beings that wake, eat, drink, fuck, take out the trash, sleep, repeat. Ocassionally we think others are glamorous and on rare ocassions other people think we are glamorous. Everything else is a shit sandwich that tastes just like everybody else’s sandwich most days.

    You’re one of those, just like the rest of us unique individuals.

    • That’s the most depressing way of looking at it that I’ve seen in a while…its not completely untrue, but a little sad…

      I think there are moments in everyone’s life that are bright, shining experiences…everyone else on the planet might experience the same thing- falling in love, birth of children, whatever…the fact that these are commonalities doesn’t make them any less unique to the individual…

  • You know who u are! We all are here! At least I am… Be yourself! I think u r being real.. That’s what’s cool about you and your blog…. Real feelings real wants and needs! Keep writing and making us all laugh and cry!

  • You’re real hon. And SO much more real that the fragment of yourself you reveal here. We get one tiny little sliver… I’m glad there’s more. Don’t be afraid to share it with the world you walk and breathe in. : )

  • No one can define you, but you and it is not a one or two word answer for it constantly changing and evolving and that is the beauty of it. Remember, when it seems like the storm is hovering over us and following our footsteps the winds of change kick its ass and the sun comes out again and its a new day. We are blank pages waiting to be written on and sometimes we allow other people to write on them and sometimes we fill the pages which can be the most amazing words of all. Keep writing for it is you and skies the limit and the joy is there for the taking and its your turn, so take it.

  • We all are constantly changing, shedding skin, growing new ones. Letting go of the past and ever moving forward. We take solace for our losses where we can find it. We seek new paths of happiness in many places. Some work some don’t. But it is all growth. That forward progression. As long as we are not moving backwards we are doing ok. Back is never acceptable. Change is inevitible and good. Never let anyone else define you. You are real to us as Kayla or as anyone else. Names are of no consquience. You open your heart and bare your soul in what you write. Some will appreciate, some will scoff and some will look to take more than they deserve. But keep your heart open and you will find your own way. Hugs…

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.