The past few weeks have been nothing but a transformation. From single mom raising two little boys on my own, working a job I hated, and being on my own to living with my Daddy, working from home (and building a business), and never being alone, to say it’s been crazy would be an understatement.
We completely changed both our lives for one another, and I don’t regret a second of it. Doesn’t mean it’s been easy, to be sure. First, I felt lost and confused, unable to gain my footing.
Once that was cleared up,I went through a major meltdown with regards to my work. I was so scared of doing things wrong, I barely did anything. I’m still slow to market myself in the vanilla world because I’m waiting for some nameless, faceless entity to tell me I suck. I don’t suck at what I do, and I know it, but I don’t get to hide behind a corporate shield anymore with a million (sometimes ridiculous) checks and balances to make sure I don’t completely screw up. And it terrified me. I’m better now, mellower about it all, just taking everything one day at a time. Of course, Daddy helped me get through it.
And then I developed a bit of attitude.
I’m a smart enough girl to know not to take my attitude out on Daddy. The end result wouldn’t be a spanking. It would be corner time or something worse (I dread to imagine what’s worse than corner time). But there was definite attitude. I didn’t want anyone to talk to me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was desperate to be left alone and then hated it when I was left alone. I didn’t want to cook but I didn’t want to spend money to eat out. Oh yeah, it was bad.
Daddy knew I was in my head, not communicating and spiraling down a rabbit hole. A hard spanking while he fingered my cunt helped. The forced orgasms with the Hitachi while he fucked me senseless helped, too. My head was temporarily quiet.
He forced me talk about everything. I told him I was feeling overwhelmed by it all – parenting all day long (school doesn’t start until August 18 and I WILL throw myself a party that day!), taking care of the house, working. All of it was normal stuff, but I still wasn’t used to it yet. And I wanted to be alone, have some time to myself, but I felt bad about asking him to take over the parenting duties for me to have time to myself. I want him to be my partner with the boys, but I fear taking advantage of him. (Yes, it sounds a little silly even now.)
So we talked. And we sorted it out. And I felt better. He also reminded me that I am required to talk to him about what’s on my mind. He can’t give me what I need if I don’t talk to him. He was right, and I knew it.
Cue the next day. I’d been in my head. Work was sorted out – kind of. The boys were sorted out – sort of. (Is it August 18 yet?) So I needed something else to think about – or, as I prefer to think of it, I can only dig deep into worrying about one big topic at a time. This time it was us.
“Daddy, I’ve got stuff on my mind tonight.” Kneeling by the bed, I’d just asked permission to come to bed. I wanted to talk, but I wanted to be wrapped in his arms while I did it.
“I’m not feeling very submissive lately, and I don’t feel like you’re being as Dominant as you could be.”
Yeah, that was a loaded statement. But it’s not always what you say, but how you say it, right? I was simple and matter of fact, loving, no attitude. We both agreed that we have the D/s thing down in the bedroom. Sexually, there’s no doubt who’s Dominant and who’s submissive. And we like it that way. We both agree that we don’t want a Master/slave dynamic, but we do want a 24/7 relationship. We just have to figure out the boundaries and how to make that work for us outside of sex. And, of course, we both have our own pasts and failed marriages sitting in our memory banks – mind-fields of fears and worries that we have to navigate.
We talked and talked. I told him as plainly as I could that he’s Daddy. If he wants something from me, just tell me. Be polite, of course, but just tell me. Before the night was over, we were planning our jam-packed weekend, and I was sent downstairs to get something (when, I think, he might have gone and gotten it himself, prior to our conversation). Then I was given a task to do the next day. And I felt good – like the world was tilting at the correct angle again. We’re still working at it, but I feel more at peace than I have in the past several days.
So what’s my point? You have to be able to talk about anything and everything – even if it’s hard or uncomfortable or you’re afraid of hurting the other’s feelings. What would hurt Daddy worse? Telling him something I think and feel about our relationship or the discovery that I hid something from him which potentially damaged our relationship? From that perspective, it’s an easy call to make.