I felt like I was drifting through my days. My mind was constantly whirling, filled with worries and what-ifs. I couldn’t concentrate, and I soon realized, I was becoming unable to make my own decisions. I was distinctly not myself.
This was my new life – Daddy and me (sans children for a short while). I couldn’t handle pain. I wasn’t feeling very submissive – although I was definitely a babygirl. Oh, there were flashes of submission, moments when I felt like myself. And then I realized something.
I need to be in control of and in charge of something in my life. Without my old job, without any knowledge of the geography of my new home, and without my work, I was adrift and completely reliant on Daddy. That totally fucked up my head.
I was scared to drive, scared of traffic, and basically a nervous Nellie every time we left the house.
I looked to him for every answer to every single thing. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. I’m pretty sure I was very tiresome for my Daddy.
Here’s the thing. We don’t want a Master/slave relationship or a total power exchange – although we respect those who do. There are some decisions we want me to make just as there are some things I need to be able to do on my own. Feeling like I needed to rely on him for everything made me distinctly feel NOT submissive.
The thing that fucked with my mind the most was being afraid to drive. For years, I drove myself anywhere and everywhere I could, loving long road trips and figuring out how to navigate new places. And now, here I was, in a new place with no real knowledge of how to get from point A to point B, and I was a nervous wreck!
A few things happened that fixed it all…
We went grocery shopping and stocked the kitchen. My kitchen. From the first meal I made, it became my domain. Daddy knows how to cook and is a really good one. I look forward to one of his meals. But right now, I’m taking care of business in the kitchen – and I like it that way.
The boys came home. We didn’t get as much time alone as we wanted, but I think we got exactly what we needed. After two weeks, they were home. (Actually, we drove for 10 hours on a Friday to get them and drove back home over the course of 12 grueling hours on a Sunday. Ugh.) Daddy definitely has the freedom to parent the boys as needed, but they are my main responsibility – especially now that they’re home with me full-time.
We needed to go to the grocery store, and I had no choice but to get behind the wheel and navigate the mean city streets with my sweet (rowdy) boys in tow. And I did it. And I finally felt normal again.
Submission of any sort is only possible when the submissive feels like they have the power to submit, as if it’s their choice to submit. For whatever reason, for a brief moment in time, I felt completely out of control and found it almost impossible to submit. I think routine and ritual (and the love of a good man) held me together until I could center myself and gain some control of my life again.
Now I’m aching to submit.
Kayla, no matter what lifestyle we choose to live, we all need routines and normalcy. Your whole world as you new it was turned upside down. Give yourself time to settle into a new normal. It will be so much easier for you now with a loving, supportive man by your side. Don’t be so hard on yourself and I promise, all the pieces of the puzzle will fit together perfectly.
Things are coming together, slowly but surely. I’m just an impatient little girl sometimes. 🙂
This post touched me deep in my heart… it started clarifying some things in my own mind. Thank you!
I’m glad I could help! You’re welcome. ((HUGS))
Yes, I can identify Kayla, when we moved here it was all of a sudden into a new house, new area, with the kids just before school started. Sir was busy and away quite a bit, and since he had lived in the area for 6 months prior, I was constantly on the phone asking where things were, how to get here or there, who do I call for this. Getting the kids into school helped because then I met other moms and it gave me a sense of community and belonging. Glad you are getting settled and getting acclimated to your new dynamic!
Oh thank God, it’s not just me!
We were out and about yesterday, and I could recognize where we were and sort of knew how we got there. That made me feel a lot better. And last night’s kink fuckery made me feel even better. 😉
Kayla, I’m sure you felt completely up rooted, and as if you were a fish out of water at first. Getting your business established in your new surroundings, and a routine down as a family will help pull all of this together for you. Southern Sir is a loving and nurturing Dominate, I know with his leadership you will thrive.
Hugs my friend! Mynx
We are feeling our way through everything, and doing much better than in the beginning. There are still moments of uncertainty, but with a few yanks on my hair, all is corrected. 🙂
First I want you to know that in no way were you ever tiresome. In the matter of two days your life changed drastically. You went from being a single mom with a career in a town you lived in for many years to moving to an unfamiliar city, one more “boy” in your life, and starting on a new chapter in your life pertaining to your career.
I want to say things are falling into place but that is not entirely true, oh to some extent it is but a new routine is being worked out, new rules which is helping, along with a man who loves you deeply and is there to guide you when needed.
If last night is any indication there is SO much more ahead for us that is to be discovered.
You make me smile so much my toes curled. (And to save everyone else the bother, yes, we’re CUTE.)
Last night was amazing, animalistic, and hilarious – I would say that’s probably the perfect combination.
I look forward to what’s ahead and I feel like I’m in a MUCH better place than I was a couple of weeks ago. The sky’s the limit.
I love you, Daddy.
We will now spend two months together almost 24/7. I found myself wondering if it was going to be a real test of my submission this week…..I wonder where my need to “control” something will be discharged. As we just arrived home last night after 3 days of driving home, I’m sure cleaning our filthy house will occupy me for a few days, but I have this niggling worry that I’ll be a real brat here soon because I don’t have my usual routine to fall back on. Ugh! Gotta talk a little to Daddy.
I’ll warn you that the brat thing is a real possibility. My mouth has gotten me in more trouble over the past few weeks than at any other time. That being said, I think the reason we’re submissive (and not slaves?) is that we need to have something to control. Life balances itself out whether we want it to or not – I think you’ll find something to make your domain. 🙂
The brat stuff started yesterday…..I didn’t want to mention that and get vilified right away. I’m really struggling with all this togetherness!
I understand completely. You’ll find your groove and the brattiness will pay.
See it happens. Not you but many judge Arianna and I because of the lifestyle we live.
Again not you or your daddy.
The feeling can come upon you like a storm in the night.
Then your lucky someone is there to hold you and tell you everything will be alright.
You never know where your needs will stop or carry you
I have to agree with you. Having him here to keep me grounded has helped a great deal.
Finally you did it, you left everything to live with your Daddy in a new town. What a woman, what a will ! Je vous souhaite beaucoup de bonheur !
Thank you! Sometimes I still marvel that we did it…and I smile. 🙂
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I am happy thing are working out okay for you both. Changing your lives so radically, it needs time to adjust, to sort things out.
Thank you, and time is the best healer of all.
I really enjoyed reading this, looking at how the D/s dynamic is just that – dynamic, constantly changing. Your vulnerability and honesty are so refreshing.
I wish it was all kinky sex, but if I wrote that fantasy more people would be disappointed in the reality of their D/s experiences. I can’t let THAT happen. 🙂
I think a reality check is always a good thing. 🙂
Your last paragraph says it all. It’s a choice, a free will offering and that is the beauty of giving our submission and having it received and cherished by the one we trust. But isn’t it good to know that even when you felt like you had no control your Daddy took good care of you through the transition? So happy you’ve gotten into your groove.
I’m happy, too. And I think that was the biggest realization of all – that I have to feel clearly that my submission is my choice and not just a random thing about my personality. It’s inherently part of who I am, yes, but so is the need to control a part of my life, too.
[…] regret a second of it. Doesn’t mean it’s been easy, to be sure. First, I felt lost and confused, unable to gain my […]