He may be the best man that I know. He’s a good Dominant, definitely, but at the core, he’s simply a good man. He took care of me a few days ago, in a way that I’m not used to. If he wasn’t Daddy, I might have gotten in my own way and not let him help me. Thankfully, he’s Daddy and what he says goes.
I’m writing a nonfiction work about being submissive, and while I’m not in any way ready to promote it, I just wrote a section on good Dominants and what that means. It fits completely with what I wanted to talk about today – my own good Dominant.
I mentioned before that I won’t label Dominants as “true” Dominants because everyone’s view of the lifestyle is so different, there’s no way to classify what’s true and what isn’t. My only caveat is that a real Dominant understands the basic tenets of D/s – safe, sane, and consensual. But, I definitely have an opinion on what makes a good Dominant. Just a reminder, I’m a female submissive in a heterosexual relationship with a male Dominant. When I use she/he and him/her, please know that what I say applies to any gender pairing of your choice. I’m simply describing this from my perspective.
A good Dominant is both very simple and very complex. At his core, he’s a gentleman who truly cares for the well-being of his submissive. Regardless of his personal kinks, be they rope bondage or humiliation and degradation, his sole concern is his submissive. By only taking a peek into a moment of their relationship, especially a sexual moment, he may appear violent or primal. He may appear uncaring and selfish. But if that moment that you happen to see turns his submissive on and allows her any type of sexual release, then you’re watching a beautiful moment in a relationship…
…A good Dominant cares. Not every D/s pairing is a love match. Sometimes two people come together to scratch a mutual itch and that’s it. I don’t have the personality for non-committed D/s play, but it does happen. A good Dominant still cares about his submissive, even if she’s only “his” for a brief moment. He wants her to get what she needs. He wants her to enjoy the moment. He wants her to walk away satisfied.
The idea of a caring Dominant may be foreign to you if all you know about D/s is from fantasy erotica or porn. Or if all you’ve ever seen is the controlling side of Dominance. A good Dominant controls his submissive with the idea of making her better, improving her. I can hear the feminist uprising now. “A woman doesn’t need a man to improve her!” No, she doesn’t, but everyone has something they can improve. None of us is perfect. Personally, I should learn to be more patient and to love myself a little more, especially my body. My Daddy is a good Dominant. He actively helps me learn patience, although I don’t always appreciate the lessons. And he desperately wants me to see myself the way he does. He says I’m beautiful, and I have tasks that I must complete every day to teach myself to see what he sees. Every morning as I’m getting ready, I’m required to look at myself in the mirror and say the following mantra:
“You deserve happiness. You will find happiness. You are loved. You are worthy of love. You are a beautiful, vibrant woman.”
The methods a Dominant employs to lift up his submissive are different from Dom to Dom. This is one my Daddy’s tools. It’s fairly effective. I still sort of mumble that last sentence, but I absolutely believe the rest…
…A good Dominant understands and accepts the responsibility of taking care of his submissive. Taking charge of someone’s life, even if only parts of it, requires a sense of obligation. Dominance and submission is serious business on a lot of levels. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of laughs, too, but handing over control to another person isn’t something anyone should do lightly. And the person accepting the control needs to understand the gravity of what they’re doing. A good Dominant considers submission a gift and an honor, not a right.
A good Dominant figures out what his submissive needs and strives to give that to her. So, a lot of what is written in erotic fiction, my own included, focuses on a Dominant taking what he wants, using his submissive, and basically being Dom-ly. Those stories are hot, and some of what is written does actually occur in real life. But a good Dominant is still cognizant of what his submissive wants and needs. Kinks need to align, in my opinion, for both parties to find sexual fulfillment, but outside of kinky sex, there are still plenty of things that both a Dominant and a submissive need in a relationship to be happy…
…I have no doubt there’s room for debate and nuance in what makes a good Dominant. And my observations are based solely on my own experiences and that of people I’ve met who are in their own D/s relationships. I believe you can’t force someone to fit you and what you need. I also think that when the chemistry is right between two people, the differences can be solved with open, honest communication. I worry for submissives who are so desperate to submit and give up control that they make decisions. They want the relationship to work so much that they’ll ignore their own intuition and allow themselves to feel less than amazing.
If you can believe it, that’s only an excerpt from that one section. I had a lot more to say (shocking, I know). Good Dominants and Dommes are out there. The problem is that they’re often overshadowed by the fakes and posers. I always hope that submissives will be patient and wait for the right Dominant for them, but I know that doesn’t always happen. Maybe this can be a partial checklist – don’t accept anything less than a good one.
Great advise and post Kayla. We can only hope and pray that there are many good loving Domanents like ours out there. We are lucky ladies indeed!
Very very lucky! And it proves neither of us settled. 🙂
You nailed it -again. A subject that both sides of a D/s need to think deeply about for the health & happiness of both.. I especially like that you included that unwise choices are more likely in the reckless eagerness a sub can have, especially if inexperienced. . this important aspect isn’t brought to light often enough I think . Way to go K.
Thank you! 🙂
I am so excited that you are writing non-fiction! What a great start.
Thank you! It’s been daunting, trying to do it, but I like it.
Imo the best doms are shy introverts. They think deeply and care about people due to a greater sense of empathy. Socially dominant people tend to be more narcissistic and selfish on average.
I myself am a total dom but people would never believe it because I’m a well mannered sort of fellow.
The best Doms I’ve ever known have been extremely well-mannered. And they never have the need to call attention to themselves.
I think your point is spot on. 🙂