Constant Communication #Dominance and #Submission

“I can’t believe I nearly lost my bracelet. Thank God they found it in the locker room! But I’m not going to tell him about it until I have my bracelet back.” My co-workers stared back at me with looks of confusion and disbelief.

“Why would you tell him at all? You temporarily lost it but you got it back. There’s nothing to confess.” They were truly perplexed

Now it was my turn to be confused. “Because I tell him everything. Of course, I’ll tell him about it.”

The conversation ended, and I went back to work. My mind couldn’t comprehend not telling him about the nearly lost bracelet, the daring rescue of the manager at the gym rushing into the lady’s locker room to retrieve it, his fervent promises to safeguard it….ok, I’m a fiction writer y’all; sometimes I get carried away. Whether I’d lost the bracelet for good or not, I would still tell Daddy about it – harrowing details and all.

I tell him everything. Everything. The most mundane details and the craziest stories are all a part of our conversations. We talk to each other two to three times a day on the phone. Plus countless emails and text messages. There are no secrets. There are, however, surprises – but I’ll tell him that I’ve got a surprise for him. Anything else feels like I’m lying to him.

One of the hallmarks of a successful D/s relationship is communication. Of the kinky relationships I’ve followed online, those that have failed have done so because they couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate with each other – about everything. I’ve talked to many submissive women who express fear at telling their deepest, darkest thoughts to their Dominant. I’ve (gently) told them to get over it and start talking.

If you can’t talk to the person who you’ve given control of your life to, the relationship is doomed. If you don’t feel like you can talk to them, then it’s time to take a hard look at yourself and your relationship. If the fears are potential rejection, ridicule, or whatever – are they because of you or your Dominant? Whether Dominant or submissive, we all have hangups from previous relationships, especially when we’re new to D/s. Part of being willing to communicate is trust. Does the other person have your trust? If not, why? Are you still afraid or are they giving you reasons not to trust them?

This is going to sound insensitive, but if you don’t feel like you can talk to your partner (Dom or sub) and it’s because of how they react – or don’t react – get out now. Go ahead and end it. You may love that person, but your D/s relationship is doomed from the beginning if you can’t even communicate. When it ends, and it will end, it will be for the best – even though it will hurt like a motherfucker for a while.

How do I know? When I look back on my relationship with Lion, I see the cracks and chinks in the wall very clearly. He was a good Dom, and I was a good sub, but we weren’t right for each other. He wasn’t at the right place in life to be what I needed. And I was too clingy and desperate for love to be good for him.

Daddy, though? Daddy and I seem to be made for one another. Even when we disagree, it’s easy to resolve and one of us comes to understand the others point and changes our mind. And no, I’m not the only one who acquiesces. He’s said the most perfect words in the world to me on more than one occasion, “You’re right, babygirl.”

I’ll go back to my original point. Daddy and I talk, in some form or fashion, all the time. In the beginning, it was like pulling teeth to get me to talk about what was on my mind. Over time, he earned my trust (and I earned his), and talking has become effortless.

Even though I worry and wonder about what life will be like when we’re not in long-distance relationship anymore, I know deep down that we’ll be ok, because we’ve already mastered one thing – communication.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • You, miss Kayla, are spot on the money, honey! 🙂

    Excellent post, and so glad you found your bracelet! Oh, and I should add- good girl for spending time at the gym too, if there were ever a place to lose it, and then talk about it, it would be there. 🙂

    -Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)

  • Talking to each other and being HONEST is my favorite part of this. (Ok the amazing sex is my favorite but this is a close second.) That has been a hard adjustment but nothing else would matter without that. Like you, Kayla, I tell him everything. And this week that netted him stepping in and stopping some bullying that was going on at me from church leaders to do some volunteer work. In the past, he would have listened and allowed me to do whatever I saw fit. Yesterday, he took care of it and in 15 minutes I had an apology and it was finished. I had no idea. That’s what talking now does for me. He knows how to take care of me and he just takes over and does it. That situation would have never been over left to my machinations. I’d have been guilted into the work. Communication of every little thing is freeing too. He likes my details. I never knew.

    • I always thought no one would like my details, my rambling, my errant thoughts that don’t seem to connect to one another (they do, but I take a winding path to get there sometimes). Now I know that someone does…and every detail I share is something else he learns about me. It’s very freeing – the communication allows me to be completely myself – rambling, babbling babygirl and all. 🙂

      • Me too, Kayla. I also thought my details and little scared thoughts about things were too random and that he couldn’t care about all that minutia. I was wrong. He laughs more now than ever before but he loves all my seemly unrelated but related details. And the bonus is that he pays attention to those things. They matter and he knows more about me because of it.

  • I truly believe it is the deep level of communication that we have built between us that has allowed us to come as far as we have. Without it I doubt we would have lasted half as long.
    It is this same level of communication that will keep us moving forward once the distance between us is bridged.

    • Have I mentioned today how much I love you, Daddy?

      As always, you’re right. We’re going to be just fine because we talk about EVERYTHING…even if it has to wait a day or two. 🙂

  • Definitely agree! Creates a rare relationship, which I need.
    You are such a gifted writer. Love you work and expressions that dig deep and cause us to reflect upon things necessary. That’s so very important in my humble opinion.
    Lady Virtue

    • Why thank you! And thank you for stopping by my kinky corner of the world.

      Now that he and I live together, the communication is different, but no less detailed or intimate. 🙂

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