I admit that I have wallowed in my grief. I've had my moments when I've picked myself up, but by and large, I've wallowed. And for the most part, I'm unapologetic about it. Those feelings are very real.
Today, I've kept myself busy, busy, busy.
Five loads of laundry, dinner in the crockpot, a washed car (in 50 degree weather), six submitted resumes, two workouts, and whatever my children needed from me.
No matter how busy I am, my mind continues to move and think. While I was attacking the dead bugs stuck to my fender, my mind wandered, and I almost crumbled from the sadness and grief again. And then I started thinking...
He always tells me like it is. If He wanted this to be a permanent thing, He'd tell me. He's no coward.
I know what He said on the phone Wednesday night - He wants me to live closer. He wants me to continue to follow some of the rules we had in place (because they're good for me). When those rules get too hard to follow, I can let Him know and He'll kick my ass for me. He said He would check in with me, that this wasn't forever, this wasn't total silence. And above all, He said over and over again that He loved me.
He hates it when I over-analyze everything - even though I always over-analyze everything. He tells me I think too much. This is a time when I'm thinking too much.
I was alone before Him, and to a certain extent, I'm alone again - I know how to do this.
If something else had caused my grief, He'd be kicking my ass all over the place right now. He'd use His Dom voice (it's a little scary) to tell me to focus, get control, breathe - exactly what He told me when all this happened.
What He is going through is ten times worse than this. At the end, I may still have Him - but He might not have His father.
Make no mistake, I'm sad and scared. That won't go away until He tells me different. But I can be a woman He can be proud of, a submissive that He can be proud of - I need to be, for both of us.
I also know that if He's aware of my sadness (I don't assume that He reads my posts - it may be too hard for Him to distance Himself if He does), it makes Him feel worse than He already does. That's the last thing I want.
I've got things to do - I'm working on finding a job in His area. I'm finally writing an e-book that's been waiting on me for months (about the same amount of time He and I have been together, actually). I want to see if I can take some of my fantasies I've posted on this blog and turn them into fuller stories (and possibly publish them). I have 25 pounds to lose. I have rules to follow. I have a man to love - even if its from afar.
When this is said and done, I want to hug Him close, tell Him I love Him, kneel at His feet, and hear two words - "Good girl."
Make no mistake, there will be days when I'm sad and down. I just hope this feeling that I have right now can outweigh the sad moments for me and force me to remember what's important.
But I still need to stay busy - so I'm going to watch the Giants play the Packers tonight. He might not know it, but I'll be rooting for His team and hopefully, across time and space, we'll be doing something "together."
I'm a good submissive woman, I know I am. I need to stop thinking like a little girl and start acting like a submissive. And my submissive side just wants Him to be proud of me.