I Just Want To Make Him Proud

I admit that I have wallowed in my grief. I’ve had my moments when I’ve picked myself up, but by and large, I’ve wallowed. And for the most part, I’m unapologetic about it. Those feelings are very real.

Today, I’ve kept myself busy, busy, busy.

Five loads of laundry, dinner in the crockpot, a washed car (in 50 degree weather), six submitted resumes, two workouts, and whatever my children needed from me.

No matter how busy I am, my mind continues to move and think. While I was attacking the dead bugs stuck to my fender, my mind wandered, and I almost crumbled from the sadness and grief again. And then I started thinking…

He always tells me like it is. If He wanted this to be a permanent thing, He’d tell me. He’s no coward.

I know what He said on the phone Wednesday night – He wants me to live closer. He wants me to continue to follow some of the rules we had in place (because they’re good for me). When those rules get too hard to follow, I can let Him know and He’ll kick my ass for me. He said He would check in with me, that this wasn’t forever, this wasn’t total silence. And above all, He said over and over again that He loved me.

He hates it when I over-analyze everything – even though I always over-analyze everything. He tells me I think too much. This is a time when I’m thinking too much.

I was alone before Him, and to a certain extent, I’m alone again – I know how to do this.

If something else had caused my grief, He’d be kicking my ass all over the place right now. He’d use His Dom voice (it’s a little scary) to tell me to focus, get control, breathe – exactly what He told me when all this happened.

What He is going through is ten times worse than this. At the end, I may still have Him – but He might not have His father.

Make no mistake, I’m sad and scared. That won’t go away until He tells me different. But I can be a woman He can be proud of, a submissive that He can be proud of – I need to be, for both of us.

I also know that if He’s aware of my sadness (I don’t assume that He reads my posts – it may be too hard for Him to distance Himself if He does), it makes Him feel worse than He already does. That’s the last thing I want.

I’ve got things to do – I’m working on finding a job in His area. I’m finally writing an e-book that’s been waiting on me for months (about the same amount of time He and I have been together, actually). I want to see if I can take some of my fantasies I’ve posted on this blog and turn them into fuller stories (and possibly publish them). I have 25 pounds to lose. I have rules to follow. I have a man to love – even if its from afar.

When this is said and done, I want to hug Him close, tell Him I love Him, kneel at His feet, and hear two words – “Good girl.”

Make no mistake, there will be days when I’m sad and down. I just hope this feeling that I have right now can outweigh the sad moments for me and force me to remember what’s important.

But I still need to stay busy – so I’m going to watch the Giants play the Packers tonight. He might not know it, but I’ll be rooting for His team and hopefully, across time and space, we’ll be doing something “together.”

I’m a good submissive woman, I know I am. I need to stop thinking like a little girl and start acting like a submissive. And my submissive side just wants Him to be proud of me.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I’m sure he is proud. Thinking isn’t always a bad thing if it helps us get back on track. I look forward to reading your piece whenever you do finish it.

    • Productive thinking is a wonderful thing…wallowing and dwelling, not so much…lol

      If not for this darn Giants game, I’d be cranking another few thousand words out right now… 🙂

  • I believe that part of the grieving process for a drastic shocking change such as you’;ve had– includes some wallowing -it’s a legitimate natural response–to a point, just not forever. It can come and go.
    You can feel you’ve been knocked down so hard and completely that you can’t even imagine ever getting up off the floor, so to speak. But you’ve already done that somewhat, in the things you’;ve busied yourself with, by necessity–laundry, kids– but nonetheless. a progress over the urge to curl up in a ball under the covers forever. ! Hang in !.

    • I’m trying…sometimes, in my weaker moments, I wish life were different so I could allow myself to wallow and feel sorry for myself…but I know that would be the worst thing I could do…even though I would love to give into it sometimes…

  • well, I admire you for your strength. You’re stronger than you may feel. Part of your personal strength is your ability to articulate your feelings and emotions to yourself, with their nuances.. . .necessary for successfully dealing with it all, in my opinion. Kind of like ‘literacy vs illiteracy’

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