I’m grieving. I know this. I’ve talked about it. I’m living it.
When my father died ten years ago, I learned something about myself. One of the common stages of grief is anger. But I don’t get angry – I’m too non-confrontational (I really hate conflict). My tolerance for bullshit just goes out the window.
I don’t mean that I look on other people’s issues as if they’re bullshit. No, no. I’m not that selfish and insensitive. I mean when I see true, honest-to-God, fucking bullshit, I get annoyed – and very short with people. Strange for someone who’s normally extremely accommodating.
Here’s the problem – part of the reason I hate my current job is because of the amount of bullshit I and my co-workers are fed each day. If I want to keep my job (and for the moment I do), I have to deal with the bullshit. Normally, I smile through it all – I roll my eyes in my head, but I smile and nod and do what needs to be done.
Not today. Today, I was…shall we say, terse? I gave the boss one word responses to stupid crap. I ignored the phone and let it go to voicemail. No one seemed to notice because I finished all the bullshit projects that were handed to me.
When I wasn’t growling at bullshit, I looked so sad that three co-workers came up to me to make sure I was ok. I talked to one person about it for a bit – but even then it’s an incomplete story. That’s ok. She was supportive and before we went home tonight, she gave me a huge hug. It helped a little. It made me want to cry, but it helped.
The other part of my process is staying busy. At work that’s no problem. At home, well, I have to work harder at it. My newest solution is to exercise. It helps clear my mind of the sadness and focus on something else. This morning’s workout helped me face the day – which was harder than I thought it would be, too many old routines to break. I think I know how The Visitor ends now thanks to my time on the treadmill tonight.
Of course, the moment I realized I was having a sexual fantasy that makes me think of Him, I began to tremble violently. It’s still a little too painful to think about – that side of us, I mean. I’ve learned that when the pain is too much, I shake like a leaf – I’ve never done that before…EVER. But I want to finish the story. I can see it in my head. I’ll push through the pain and hopefully something good can come of it.
Today wasn’t the best day ever. I was sad for much of it. I was annoyed for much of it. I missed Him, but that’s not new.
The pain hasn’t lessened, but I’m dealing with it better. I guess that’s progress.
Kayla, I have a pretty good ” bull shit meter” too. It really kicks in when people ask me to do things that really do not matter. When I know that when I do them to the exact specifications the person is going to come beck & change things anyway just ticks me off. The one word answers and everything. Ugh! Hang in there darling! Remember… Be gracious as all costs ( makes you better / feel better in the long run)!
You’re right, it does…it also makes sure I stay employed, lol…I wish I could say that when I finally leave that place, I’ll give them all a piece of my mind, but I know I won’t do that, either…
So glad to hear you are making progress. Staying busy is so important And exercise, too! I love the “high” I get from exercise. And just think, when you do get to see Him again, you’ll be better for it.
That’s what I tell myself…and it helps…I just wish I could keep those pesky fears and insecurities at bay…
Part of grief is anger, and the worst thing you can do is keep that anger inside. I think it’s admirable of you to start working out (both to keep busy and to help get rid of some of that anger) even if it’s on the treadmill.
I hurt for you, I grieve with you, I wish there was more I could do, but I know that time is a jealous bitch and she will heal the pain but she does it at her own pace. <3 I can't give you a huge hug after work, but I hope that you accept my internet hug.
Sharing your blog on my FB page, you aren't alone, Kayla, and many of my readers are in the same boat you are. I always found it comforting to grieve with others instead of grieving alone. ESPECIALLY when it can be done "online" so if I want to grieve alone I can just turn off the computer 😉
Love and hugs,
Thank you…I’m overwhelmed by your response…what has surprised me the most is that no one else has ever made me feel the way He does…and I’ve never reacted to this type of loss in such a way…its nice to know I’m not alone, but it makes me sad because I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone…
Ah yes – it is all too familiar. In fact, I have had this same conversation over the last 24 hours. Sometimes it’s all a bit much. That’s when I watch re-runs of Mr. Ed – or the truly hilarious George and Allen Show. (Is it my imagination or was life simpler then?)
We are surrounded by BS. It takes a strong soul not to surrender to its toxic fumes and we all succumb once and a while. I think we just have to realize that, in the end, it doesn’t matter. For me, what matters is how I feel when my horse looks me in the eye and I can feel her – truly feel her – or when my little dog crawls into my lap for sleep.
Once it was when He had me bound and helpless, breaking boundaries and stopping time. Missing Him – well – that took a long time to pass, but it did. I don’t miss Him anymore, just that indescribable feeling.
I hope for that again – pray for that again – for to imagine it will never be is too tragic to imagine.
I don’t know your story, but the pain will pass for you too, and perhaps, like me, you will begin to see him differently. Sigh… my God fell from great heights when I finally saw the truth of Him.
The grieving process, while it sucks, is absolutely necessary. I’m not sure where I’m at in the process, but I still miss Him desperately…
One day I’m sure I get to a better place…I just hope it’s with him…