I’m grieving. I know this. I’ve talked about it. I’m living it.
When my father died ten years ago, I learned something about myself. One of the common stages of grief is anger. But I don’t get angry – I’m too non-confrontational (I really hate conflict). My tolerance for bullshit just goes out the window.
I don’t mean that I look on other people’s issues as if they’re bullshit. No, no. I’m not that selfish and insensitive. I mean when I see true, honest-to-God, fucking bullshit, I get annoyed – and very short with people. Strange for someone who’s normally extremely accommodating.
Here’s the problem – part of the reason I hate my current job is because of the amount of bullshit I and my co-workers are fed each day. If I want to keep my job (and for the moment I do), I have to deal with the bullshit. Normally, I smile through it all – I roll my eyes in my head, but I smile and nod and do what needs to be done.
Not today. Today, I was…shall we say, terse? I gave the boss one word responses to stupid crap. I ignored the phone and let it go to voicemail. No one seemed to notice because I finished all the bullshit projects that were handed to me.
When I wasn’t growling at bullshit, I looked so sad that three co-workers came up to me to make sure I was ok. I talked to one person about it for a bit – but even then it’s an incomplete story. That’s ok. She was supportive and before we went home tonight, she gave me a huge hug. It helped a little. It made me want to cry, but it helped.
The other part of my process is staying busy. At work that’s no problem. At home, well, I have to work harder at it. My newest solution is to exercise. It helps clear my mind of the sadness and focus on something else. This morning’s workout helped me face the day – which was harder than I thought it would be, too many old routines to break. I think I know how The Visitor ends now thanks to my time on the treadmill tonight.
Of course, the moment I realized I was having a sexual fantasy that makes me think of Him, I began to tremble violently. It’s still a little too painful to think about – that side of us, I mean. I’ve learned that when the pain is too much, I shake like a leaf – I’ve never done that before…EVER. But I want to finish the story. I can see it in my head. I’ll push through the pain and hopefully something good can come of it.
Today wasn’t the best day ever. I was sad for much of it. I was annoyed for much of it. I missed Him, but that’s not new.
The pain hasn’t lessened, but I’m dealing with it better. I guess that’s progress.