I wore thigh highs and garters and boots (oh my) again today. I felt sexy as hell – again. I went to lunch with a friend and actually noticed a man staring at me.
It wasn’t as great as it sounds. He was holding his girlfriend’s hand the entire time he was leering at me. Great. Normally it’s the one-eyed, one-legged guy sitting in a corner, talking to himself, and drooling that takes notice of me. This time it was an asshole. Great.
I’ve been an audacious flirt. I’ve let people in a little closer. I’ve been this woman I don’t recognize, but she seems fun.
I wondered today if I ever made him proud. I wondered if he would be proud of the woman I am now. That turned into a thought about whether anyone is proud of me – other than my mom, I mean. The thought that followed: “Why does that even matter?” But it does matter even if its simply the submissive side of me needing approval.
Then, like a light bulb going off over my head, I realized I’m guarding my heart for him. He’s never told me that he doesn’t love me, that there is no chance ever of getting back together, that it’s over – so there’s been no closure. Either someone has to come along that I perceive as being better than him or he has to tell me to go the fuck away and never think about him again. At least that’s my story today.
Crazy as this sounds, I think I’ll know when I’m ready when I stop comparing everyone to him. It’s not a negative comparison that I make, but I still have that moment of, “He did it this way…” or “He preferred this…” I don’t consider one way better or worse, but the comparison is always there.
I’ve been very honest and open with the few people who’ve attempted to come close. I can care about people. I can even let them get close. But they can’t have my heart. No one can. I’ve already had to suffer the consequences of that, but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. No one should have to compete with an invisible man.
So, I’m frisky and feisty and considering pigtails – yeah, I said it. Damn it! But I’m not good for anyone and woe to the man who thinks I’m worth an attempt. Most people don’t want to have to work that hard (and they shouldn’t have to) so I’m probably safe. I have found people who care about me and that makes all the difference in the world. The rest is just fun and games.
I’m not sad. I’m not grieving. I’m finding ways to make myself happy – and that’s really all that matters. Right?