Wading Through the Miasma

Wading Through the Miasma

At times, my mind is completely blank. A black vortex of nothingness. Under different circumstances I would probably enjoy the silence.

Other times, the sludge is too thick to wade through but too overwhelming to ignore. Thought after thought rushes in and becomes stuck on a loop.

I have little desire to write. I have less desire to cook, clean, or even shower. I do the things I’m supposed to do out of a sense of responsibility and loyalty. Thankfully, those two sentiments are stronger than my own need to sit still in the dark and stare into space.

I feel bad because I don’t feel worse about this weird lack of feeling I’m caught in. And then I’m caught by surprise when the nothingness becomes sadness or anger.

John Brownstone and I visited his sister a few days ago. She looked worse than she had a few days prior. She looked as if she was shrinking away to nothing. It’s stage 4, incurable, cancer. That’s exactly what’s happening. But even in our bleak realism, we are not immune to hope. Maybe the next chemo treatment will help a little. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, early stages – at age 50. She has a remedy. Mastectomy with reconstruction. Caught early enough, we all have plenty of hope. With the treatment plan of choice, she won’t need chemo or radiation. My mother and I agree if we’re ever faced with the same diagnosis, it’s the choice we’ll make too. Cancer, especially breast cancer, runs too rampant in the women in our family. I’ve always known my mother or my aunt would be diagnosed eventually. I still wasn’t prepared for it.

I gained three pounds last week. Out of everything, that is the small detail that bothers me the most. Stupid, huh? It could be the cancer ravaging family members. It could be the fact that John Brownstone can’t sleep, smiles so little, and is weighed down every moment of every day. Have I become so used to all of it, that the small inconsequential things somehow affect me the most? Or is it because this was the one thing I should be able to control and I can’t? Hell if I know.

I could call myself sad or depressed or stressed, and yes, I feel those things. But I feel almost nothing most of the time. No desire to think, talk, or act. It doesn’t last forever. Once I’m caught up in something else, my attention wavers from the feelings of nothingness in my mind. I laugh, I do, I am present. Until I’m not.

Sometimes I cry at night. Not for me, rarely for me.  What do I have to cry about? No, I cry for the pain I sense from John Brownstone. I cry for the inability to fix things. I cry out of fear that illness might take him too. I beg the Universe to keep me healthy so I never put him through this kind of stress again. I don’t want anyone to die, but I wish there was an end to all of this.

Wading Through the Miasma

Words fail me when I try to explain the strange blankness in my mind. Everything is blank and dark and quiet, until it isn’t. Then the thoughts swirl round and round. Later, they’ll be stuck in the miasma, something I imagine to be thick, goopy, and sticky.

I tell myself this too shall pass, because doesn’t everything?

I tell myself that it’s the downside to being a little empathic, especially with the ones I love so much.

I tell myself to just exist and drift through all of this, eventually, I’ll find the shore again. Eventually, I’ll have solid ground under my feet.

I tell myself to buck up, buttercup, that other people have it so much worse. That’s the funny part, though. I don’t feel down about myself. Just an overwhelming darkness, sadness for the pain around me, worry over the stress that I can’t alleviate.

I used to escape into my work when I felt this way. Now I escape into reading. I’ve read 14 books in three weeks – and somehow still managed to earn a few dollars, write a few words, and feed small children. Even as I sit here, typing this, my book is calling to me. I fall into the stories and forget about time and space for a while. It’s a relief, but it can’t last. And, like I said earlier, my own sense of responsibility overwhelms me. I can’t neglect my family – it would hurt too much.

There are no solutions. I simply have to wade through the miasma when I can, and do my best not to let the blankness take hold for too long. I guess all you can do sometimes is let yourself drift until you get to solid ground again. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • You will get there Kayla. You have so much on your plate right now. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Take comfort in the joy of your 2 little boys and knowing that you have the love of a good man. When you all emerge from this awful time, you will be more connected and stronger because of it. I promise, I know from where I speak. Sending hugs to you and John sweetie.

  • Oh sweet Kayla, I can feel your heavy heart and wish so I could make the darkness flee. All I can offer is my love and hugs to hold you in the dark. The sun will shine again sweet, sweet girl. I love ya❤️

  • It sucks to be in that place. Wish there was a way out, but wading through it is the only solution. Hugs, little friend. Putting one foot in from of the other is the solution for now. You got this.

  • Kayla hugs and kisses to you and John from this side of the pond and know that I am thinking of you both and praying for you that there is some help from other members of the family to take some of the strain and stresses off you and John. Knowing that in his sleep you are a comfort to him just by touching or holding him means that you both have a love that can cope and will stand the stresses and strains you are going through now. Your boys must also be a source of comfort to you both. My thoughts are with you both. xx

  • Getting through the dark times in life can be a struggle. I find that I rely a lot more on my faith at those times. But even then, I’m only human and sometimes it can be almost unbearable. What to do? When left with no other choices, we get through it however we can and find little things to be thankful for along the way. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. I hope some rays of light break through the darkness to give you hope and strengthen you along your journey.

  • That blankness is actually your brain protecting you. It feels horrible whilst you are in it…like a dark blanket of doom. And you are facing doom. There is the impending death of your sister in law. There is your aunt also facing a cancer diagnosis. There is the deep fear that you’ll get it someday too.
    Trust me, sweetie…I’ve been there. The last months of my mom’s life? I barely remember. The first year after she’d died? Total blank. I missed an entire year of my life surrounded in that deep miasma of grief. It starts with the blank…and then there will be periods of intense pain…and then blessed numbness. You have JB and your kids there to help pull you out of it…and you’ll pull each other out of it, just by being open and honest about how you are feeling. It is a terrible thing, losing the ones we love–and coming face to face with our own eventual ending. If all else fails? Talk to someone who can help you sort through these feelings. I have a friend who is a councilor who is in the lifestyle if you would like her email. Sometimes just writing things out helps, too.

    Sending hugs and love and empathy,


    • ((HUGS)) Thanks, nilla. I’m one of those annoying people who think I should be able to just get over things because that’s what I always do.

      It all sucks, and I know nothing lasts forever, so that helps. Writing is my therapy…hopefully it will continue to help.

  • Lots of hugs dear! Wolf and I are working out of that same black sticky mess. Nilla is right, our minds protect us when it is needed.

    Know that we keep you and JB in our hearts and thoughts.

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