Endings and Beginnings

In order to begin this journey as a submissive woman, I felt I had to leave something behind.  If you have followed me from the beginning (or been brave enough to read everything regardless of when you found me), you know that I had someone.  I made him the center of my sexual desires and sexual fantasies.  He inspired me to search for my sexual self.  I looked forward to introducing him to my sexual side.

The reality, however, was much different.  For months, I pined after him. I accepted less than I deserved because my feelings for him ran deep.  Those feelings were not reciprocated.  Or, if they were, they were not clearly shown.  I was left alone, lost, lonely, sad – me and my hand.

When I care, I care deeply.  I am stupidly loyal.  I hang on fiercely.

In the past year or so, I have learned not to hold on to someone who is clearly not holding on to me.  But in this case, that’s what happened.  I had him by the shirt tails, frantically clinging to someone who did not want what I had to give.  I still care very deeply for him, but I am worth so much more.

My favorite saying, and it has become a motto in life is, “Do not make someone a priority when they only make you an option.”

Before I could truly release myself to my Sir, I had to let him go.  I had to release myself from this man who did not understand my value as a sexual woman.  It was hard but necessary.

I tried to speak to him about it because it felt like the right thing to do.  In the end, as always, there was never time to talk.  I emailed him.  The day after my night with Sir, I received a response.  Yes, while I was experiencing subdrop, I faced further emotional turmoil.  I refused to respond until after subdrop passed.

But the fact remains that the man who inspired me to start this journey did not understand what he had – if his response to my decision was any indication.  My journey continues with my Sir who understands exactly what He has in me.  He makes me a priority – in the way only a Dominant can.  He is my priority.  It is the most natural thing, and I have been searching for it my whole life.

In the past few days, I experienced endings and beginnings.  I do not regret any of my decisions.  I look forward to the future.  But the truth is that I hurt, I’m tender, and I’m scared.  When I care, I care deeply.  I just want to find the person who can handle that and reciprocate.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • If he can’t, won’t, and don’t get it, then cutting him loose was smart. On to bigger and better things as it were.

  • It sounds to me like you may have found that in your Sir….from what you have said of him he does reciprocate and that is beyond great.
    You do deserve to be the priority.
    You do deserve happiness.
    You do deserve to explore yourself in a caring embrace.
    I accept all of you for who you are and who you wish to be.
    I embrace both the woman and the submissive.
    I will not hide in the shadows again, in this lifetime I have done far too much of that.
    So yes… I am ….your Sir and I am not ashamed.
    I will not hide.
    I will be me and in that allow you to discover you, walk with you, find you.
    I made a decision to put myself out there unfiltered, me, raw….if I get hurt at least it was at my own choosing and I would not be blindsided again.
    Well I put myself out there to you and have found an amazing woman.
    So here I am.
    Your Sir.
    I will hide that no more.

  • […] our past D/s relationship and our current friendship to nothing. How Kayla had the courage to tell her lover, the truth and he didn’t tell me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me further and that is why he […]

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