In order to begin this journey as a submissive woman, I felt I had to leave something behind. If you have followed me from the beginning (or been brave enough to read everything regardless of when you found me), you know that I had someone. I made him the center of my sexual desires and sexual fantasies. He inspired me to search for my sexual self. I looked forward to introducing him to my sexual side.
The reality, however, was much different. For months, I pined after him. I accepted less than I deserved because my feelings for him ran deep. Those feelings were not reciprocated. Or, if they were, they were not clearly shown. I was left alone, lost, lonely, sad - me and my hand.
When I care, I care deeply. I am stupidly loyal. I hang on fiercely.
In the past year or so, I have learned not to hold on to someone who is clearly not holding on to me. But in this case, that's what happened. I had him by the shirt tails, frantically clinging to someone who did not want what I had to give. I still care very deeply for him, but I am worth so much more.
My favorite saying, and it has become a motto in life is, "Do not make someone a priority when they only make you an option."
Before I could truly release myself to my Sir, I had to let him go. I had to release myself from this man who did not understand my value as a sexual woman. It was hard but necessary.
I tried to speak to him about it because it felt like the right thing to do. In the end, as always, there was never time to talk. I emailed him. The day after my night with Sir, I received a response. Yes, while I was experiencing subdrop, I faced further emotional turmoil. I refused to respond until after subdrop passed.
But the fact remains that the man who inspired me to start this journey did not understand what he had - if his response to my decision was any indication. My journey continues with my Sir who understands exactly what He has in me. He makes me a priority - in the way only a Dominant can. He is my priority. It is the most natural thing, and I have been searching for it my whole life.
In the past few days, I experienced endings and beginnings. I do not regret any of my decisions. I look forward to the future. But the truth is that I hurt, I'm tender, and I'm scared. When I care, I care deeply. I just want to find the person who can handle that and reciprocate.