A year or more ago, if I had ever thought that I might be the submissive in a D/s relationship, I would have had my head examined. During my marriage, I retained all control - even in the bedroom. For the most part, my ex and I had sex when, where, and how I wanted it - even though I ached to not be in control in that one aspect of our lives.
That being said, over the past weeks and months, I have read the writings of people in D/s relationships, and I'm starting to see bits and pieces of myself in each situation. Nothing about me as a woman mirrors any one situation completely, but I can relate to little things. At first, I thought they were all coincidental - but as I start to put them all together, I wonder what picture they paint of who I am.
It started when I finally realized how much I cared for him. And it was all small things that by themselves are meaningless:
When we're together in his home or mine, my favorite position is to sit at his feet with my head on his knee and feel him stroke my hair.
The few times I've annoyed him have sent me over the edge - tears, worry, willingness to do anything to make it right. His anger, aggravation, annoyance are all things I want to avoid at all costs. When I realize he's happy with me again, my heart soars.
These two things are meaningless, and I would never suggest that submissives are like this as a rule. I spent a lot of time wondering why I was this way with him when I wasn't that way with anyone else - ever.
And then I noticed other things about myself:
Outside of our sexual relationship, I am sassy, sarcastic, confident. I will look him in the eye and tell him he's a fucking idiot (but only when I think I'm right). Shut the bedroom door, and I am meek, quiet (well, only until he touches my clit), and want to be lead, controlled, pushed to my limits and past them (after I figure out what my limits even are).
I would never say that it's easy, but I can and will wait for him to initiate our sexual contact. It doesn't mean I'm a rag doll laying flat on the bed. But I tend to wait for...hmm, what's the word I want? Direction? Yeah, direction from him - what he wants that night.
The few times I've kissed him and initiated our contact, he's described it as "cute." And he's not wrong. I'm tentative but impulsive. I'm like a little girl who wants to distract him from what he's doing - make him pay attention to me. But once I have his attention, I'm lost - craving his guidance on the next step.
He makes me feel things I never imagined possible. My clit and pussy ache for his touch the entire time we're together, and it can be unbearable not to receive it. That being said, all I want, all I want is to know that I've made him happy or given him pleasure. Yes, I want to come on him, for him. Yes, I want all my needs met - of course I do. But something in me compels me to take his cock in my mouth and give him as much pleasure as possible, because what I want more than my pleasure is his.
While all of these things could just be because I'm in love, I reflect on the blogs and stories I read. And the things I read that turn me on are all BDSM in nature. Some is too extreme for my senses - pain for pain's sake, degradation, whatever. If that gets you going, more power to you. I don't judge.
I have read stories (fact and fiction) of kneeling before a D, eyes down, waiting on their pleasure. I get wet.
I have read about asking to come, asking for more, begging. Moisture pools.
I have read about voyeurism and exhibitionism on the whim of a D, the nervousness and ultimate compliance of the sub. My clit swells.
I don't know what I am - other than a sexually frustrated woman in love. I am learning what turns me on. I am figuring out what interests me. And I'm starting to see D tendencies in him. I hope it's not just wishful thinking.