Welcome to Wicked Wednesday. This week’s topic focuses on decisions.
My life is a dichotomy when it comes to power, authority, and decision-making.
With Daddy, I’m happy not to make any decisions. I have no need to be in charge or to hold any authority. I follow where he leads, trusting him completely. If he asks my opinion, I offer it. There are times when I tell him what I think about a situation, but always with the trust and knowledge that he will make the best possible decision. I never demand (with serious intent) anything, although I may suggest a course of action that I believe is best.
I am aware that a Dominants role comes with a great deal of responsibility. Daddy’s decisions affect both of us, and he must decide what is best in any given situation.
Outside of our relationship, things are a bit different. At work, I’m a bitch from hell. I want the job done right, and in my mind, only I know the right way. I’m in charge of my department, and the only person who can tell me no is the CEO. I like it that way. Of course, there are times when I’m not allowed to make the decision I know is best – woe to the person left to deal with me when that happens.
I’m anal retentive, Type A, and OCD about my work. I know how it needs to be done in order to be done well, and I don’t suffer fools well. (I sound like a delight to work with, don’t I?) I’ve been told I’m intimidating because of the authority I hold and the way I make decisions. I don’t mean to be. I simply believe I know what’s best.
At home, I’m mom – the only parent, and I’m out-numbered. I think I’ve finally mastered The Look or maybe it’s the crazy-eye. Either way, there are times when a simple look will stop a little boy in his tracks. They don’t love all of my decisions, but they abide by them. That’s all that matters. I’m not trying to be their friend. I figure if they’re mad at me at least some of the time, I’m doing something right.
In life we make decisions all of the time – some are easier for me than others. While I may be large and in charge at work and as a mom, there are times that making the simple decision of what to eat or what to wear is excruciating. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s best. I don’t care. Or I know exactly what I want, but I know why that’s not the best choice. Those times are almost paralyzing. I think that’s why I’m always planning – I’m thinking ahead a few hours, days, weeks, sometimes even years. I map scenarios out in my head and decide what I’ll do long before the situation arises. Even something as simple as dinner can go through this process. (Sad but true.)
It’s no wonder I need my Daddy. Only when he’s with me, and we’re fully ensconced in our roles and routines, am I able to simply exist and live from moment to moment. For a brief time, decisions are put to the side.
I am in the middle of training my replacement at work (I have a new position in the same department). Within an hour, she was suggesting that I had earned the title of Evil Empress. I can live with that…as long as she does things my way!
I sometimes think it’s that need to be the bitch at work that fuels the desire to submit just to balance our brains.
I don’t disagree. Work can be so draining and yet, I’m all keyed up and on edge. That’s when I need domination the most.
We are so much the same in so many ways. At work I am the same as you, also running my department and frequently seen as the bitch. I don’t mind, as long as the work is done according to my directions, I am happy. At home, Master T and I make decision together when it comes to the household and the kids. But, in our marriage, love & D/s life He is the one who decides everything. And I love it that way!
Great post and yet again I learn more about you 🙂
I’m glad I’m not the only one. Daddy and I will probably be very similar once we’re together – some decisions made together, others where he’s in control. Sounds like heaven to me. 🙂
Ah, Kayla! this is EXACTLY what I’ve been trying to express to my sir. I make so many important life-changing, job losing decisions as the boss at work, sometimes I am paralyzed by the dumbest things at home. Like what to make for dinner! I can sit for an hour with a cookbook stressing about healthy meals and never get anything cooked at all. I lay awake planning things and running scenarios until I can’t sleep at all. It is such a dichotomy with my Supreme Controller persona at work. When I am with Mr. HH I just want to surrender all that and be his with nothing else to think about besides whatever will make him pleased. Good to know we strong decisive women have these things in common. For too long I thought my secret wish made me crazy. Screw equality. I want peace at home. That only comes to me through submission, I’ve discovered.
In my first marriage, and after my divorce, I thought there was something wrong with me, too. I’d been raised with this idea that I should always take care of myself, and I desperately wanted someone who would take care of me a little. Now that I understand who I am, I don’t worry about wanting it anymore…especially now that I have Daddy. 🙂
Oh my YES! I think you will laugh when you read my post. So many similarities
Now I can’t WAIT to read it! 🙂
Yes, yes, yes! I’m so similar and I need my husband to help me quiet my mind.
🙂 Isn’t that the best feeling in the world – when your mind finally goes quiet for a bit? Heaven on earth, if you ask me.
You’re a Scorpio, aren’t you? My mom and my roommate display many of the same traits. I’m a perfectionist, but stress myself out in other ways. I have moments where once I make a decision I can’t be swayed, but other times I want someone else to decide and hold some of my crippling worry.
Exactly. Once I’ve made my mind up, don’t even bother trying to change my mind. But God, the worry when I don’t know what to do…
And yes, I’m very much a Scorpio. I think my picture might be next to the definition.
Maybe I am a bad submissive at work, because while I throw my weight around outside my team, and defend them resolutely, I am quite a relaxed supervisor/team leader. I can’t remember the last time I got cross within my team.
LOL. Not submissive – soft-hearted. Not always a bad thing. I’m the first one to bend over for someone I work with – if they work hard and try their best. And I protect the people under me if I think they deserve it. But my standards are VERY high.
It’s great to have some room for everything in your life. I get that most of us are probably mothers, daughters, lovers and professionals, and being the same person everywhere (especially if that person is a power freak) is extremely exhausting. Kudos to you for having found someone to lean on. That doesn’t mean you’re a pushover, whoever thinks that should ask the people that work with you!
I’m all for having an outlet for all the pressure in our everyday lives. Personally, I find that sex is a pretty good outlet that allows me to disconnect from my work life. I can let my hair down and not be uptight and perfectionist about everything. I’m allowed to be raw, mindless and that is a good, necessary thing.
I can relate to you when you say that you need to be big and important all the time, and it’s great to find help and assistance in the small details, like having someone take the burden of decisions, even if it’s the small ones, or having an outlet to relieve the pressure and that “am I doing OK?” thought in the back of your head. I hope it will last you a lifetime, honestly.
Thank you so much for your comment. I hope it lasts a lifetime, too.
I think regardless of kink or vanilla everyone needs that outlet, that place where they can be there most basic self.
I’m a control freak – but not all of the time. I Switch and for me that is perfect as sometimes I want the control and other times I just want to hand it all over to my man and let him do his damnedest (especially if it involves a flogger as that will just send me to sub-space in a matter of minutes)!
Thank goodness for our outlets, however we need them because we do need them, as women in this modern world we have a huge amount of expectations to fulfill both in our own eyes as well as others in so many areas in our lives and without those outlets we would all go completely bonkers!!
I agree completely! You have to have a release valve of some sort…this is definitely mine.