4 Tips to Find Your Kinky Community

I don’t make friends (the platonic or the type that comes with benefits) easily or well. I tend to let people find me and then decide if I like their energy. Ask John Brownstone and he’ll tell you I’m known for thick inner walls and a deep mistrust of people I don’t know. And I know I’m not alone in that. From introversion to social anxiety (if you’re like me) to simply existing in the time of the plague, finding your kink community right now might feel harder than ever. But it doesn’t have to be.

If you’d told me a few years ago that one day I would be part of a kinky community, let alone an organizer of one, I would have laughed my ass off. I still find it unbelievable, and it’s my/our community. So how did I, a raging introvert with serious trust issues find a kinky community? Here’s how…

Be Your Kink Self Online

A lot of people think there are magical, mythical places where all the kinksters hang out, and if they could just find that single place, they’d find their perfect community. And yes, there are dedicated sites for kinky people. But, in general, wherever you find people, you’ll find kinksters. For me, it started right here in the pages of this blog and then later on Twitter. I didn’t really use hashtags or “special code words.” I created a name that let me separate my vanilla and kink lives, and then just spent time online as a kinky person, talking about the kinky and non-kinky things that mattered to me. I’ve tried to be part of conversations, comment on other kinky people’s stuff, and be among the people.

Yes, I do it a lot less these days, but you don’t have to be everywhere all the time for this to work. Pick a preferred site/platform and join in on other conversations when you can.

Pro tip: The nice thing about being online is that “being among the people” can be loosely defined and still be effective. Do it on your time, when you can, and at your comfort level, and you can still find a community.

Start Searching

Being yourself online (in whatever way that means — and ideally it means “don’t be an asshole”) is effective, but it’s slow. When you want to actually talk to people (this may surprise you, but sometimes I really do want to talk to people, lol), start searching online. You can find online-only groups and sites or local community groups. Use terms that speak to you, based on what you want, in your search. Try “online BDSM communities” or “dominatrix near me” or “dom/sub groups”. You’ll be surprised at what shows up in search, and no, it won’t always be the usual suspects.

Based on your search results, pick one or two sites to check out like subs-and-doms.com. (Too much at once can be overwhelming.) When I come across a new-to-me site, I stay quiet and just scroll through the chats, groups, forums, whatever is publicly available. If I don’t get a good vibe, I bounce. If I do, I’ll stick around.

Pro tip: During the time of this plague, a lot of local in-person communities have gone online. You may be able to take advantage of virtual munches and workshops you couldn’t before — even if you don’t live in the local area.

Rely on Online Creators

There’s always something new to learn in BDSM, even if it’s what not to do based on some mistakes others have already made. Online creators (ahem like Loving BDSM) share what we’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, and what we’re still learning. The main (obvious) value in finding and following your favorite creators will be the knowledge you gain. But a clear secondary value is in the community you’ll find there. Those communities are often freely available in comment sections, Discord servers, and anywhere that audience gathers. You might not get along with everyone, and you might not have everything in common, but you’ll have at least one thing in common — you enjoy the same creator, possibly for the same reasons.

This is an option at any time of life, but if you’re staying home because there’s still a plague going on (and there is!) or because you don’t have a local kinky community close by, this can be a great alternative. Whatever your preferred platform, kinksters are there — and some/many share their knowledge. The real skill comes in figuring out who’s worth following and who isn’t.

Pro tip: Many creators offer both free and paid community access. John Brownstone and I (for Loving BDSM) use live streams on YouTube as an easy way to chat and connect that doesn’t cost anyone money, but we also use Patreon to offer paid community connections like a Discord server. Your favorite creator probably does something similar.

Start Your Own Community

When you can’t find the kinky community that’s a good fit for you, you can always make one. Don’t let this overwhelm you — if you and two or three other people chat online about kink, you’re already doing it. We tend to think of these groups as in the thousands, and sometimes they are. But they don’t have to be. A few people, brought together by a common purpose, is a community. There are so many ways to do it, too.

Start a server in Discord. Set up a secret group/separate DM group on your favorite social media platform. Use a specific (and hopefully not shadow-bannable) hashtag. Get on Kik, Whatsapp, or any messaging app you like and only invite people you want to talk to. Hell, I’d be very disingenuous if I didn’t mention blogging, podcasting, or making videos as a way to create your own community. The audience who talks to you regularly in your comment section can be your community — if you want them to be.

Pro tip: If the advice for writers/content creators is to create the thing you need to read/see, then why isn’t that true for BDSM communities, too? Of course, it is. You can do this for your local community (starting online for right now until it’s safe to meet in person) or keep it strictly online. If you’re waiting for someone to anoint you or give you permission, consider this it.

Finding a BDSM community, now and when we’re not in a global pandemic, is simpler than people realize but it can also take longer than you expect.

With that in mind, I turn it over to you. How have you found your own kink (or other like-minded) community? Feel free to share down below because we never know who benefits from sharing our experiences and knowledge like a, ya know, community.

Post sponsored by subs-and-doms.com.