One day I’ll have to admit to myself that I may have some chronic health problems. That day is not today but only because I don’t have the bandwidth for it right now. But I will admit that my health takes a huge chunk out of my sex life.
For two weeks, John Brownstone and I gleefully planned the kinky fuckery we would do over the course of a weekend. Not just because we really need more of that in our lives, but also to take pictures of for February Photofest 2019. We managed one outing that was much needed and a balm for both our kinky spirits. And then, my body did its mysterious (but not unusual) betrayal.
(Please, no diagnoses or medical opinions — I cannot describe how much of my time and energy have gone into thinking about this already.)
I stopped sleeping well for several days, then came the stomach pain. It might be endo-belly (although I have no diagnosis of endometriosis, and I won’t claim it as a thing I have). It was most certainly tied to accidentally eating the wrong thing — frustrating for someone who polices my diet the way I do to avoid these problems.
But it all added up to one thing…
Pain, frustration, and wasted plans. Instead of working, feeling productive, and looking at John Brownstone with anything like longing, I cried on the couch and wondered if I’d ever feel good again. Anyone who feels any level of chronic pain knows that it drains you, sucks the life out of you, and for me, at least, kills all libido and sexual thought.
So there we were…our kinky plans dashed again.
It’s a kind of forced celibacy we’ve grown used to, although it still frustrates us both. He’s frustrated because I’m in pain and there’s nothing he can do to help. I’m frustrated because I feel broken and weak and don’t know how to fix the problem (yet?).
But, on top of everything else in life that can kill our sex life — work, kids, stress — my health is the most nagging problem.
During these moments (and the aftermath) I have no desire for sex, so I’m not even missing it. All I feel is guilt because we’ve lost that specific connection. It’s not “lost” only set aside. But in the moment, when it dawns on me that this was supposed to be the time to get kinky, it feels lost.
And when I allow myself to think about it, it hurts my heart. I’m saddened by what’s missing, and I feel hopeless that anything will change. But that’s why I try not to think in those terms…except right now, of course. Oh, irony.
I don’t wink-wink, nudge-nudge at innuendos as usual. I completely miss flirtatious gestures or opportunities for the small ways that sex can be a part of our lives. Of course, when I’m in pain, this makes sense. But what about today, when I finally feel about 80 percent better? Still, nothing. I know it will come back in due time, and I even know it might have to be forced out of me (thank goodness I’m into that kind of thing).
This is an unwanted celibacy — for penetrative sex, oral sex, kinky fuckery, and everything we do that makes up our sexual connection. I’d probably whine if John Brownstone pulled my hair, which only makes me sad because that’s my jam, my thing, something so strong within me that almost anyone pulling my hair can get a reaction.
Just this morning I was reminded that our celibacy isn’t a two-way street. I awoke to the sounds of John Brownstone rifling in his nightstand drawer. I assumed for lube and quietly dreaded the thought that he might want a quickie fuck. Thankfully, he’s a better man than that and understood I’m still not ready. And then I heard familiar squelching sounds.
For a moment, I was envious. A sex toy was getting more of him than I was. But that moment was fleeting. Followed by guilt for my feelings, and then relief that he doesn’t have to go without. There are other options. And I want him to find the relief he needs.
I just hope it happens with me sooner rather than later.
This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is about celibacy which feels too real right now. I also, technically, missed Masturbation Monday but as it’s my party, I’m showing up late because I can.
I’m so sorry 🙂 Gentle hugs. Chronic illness takes a toll for sure on your mind and body. This is one of those times that I just can’t find the right words to say, but I hear you, it sucks, and I hope you come to a better place physically soon!
Thank you for that. No words necessary. 🙂
Your honesty is gorgeous. Hugs that a solution presents itself to you for your health concerns. Take care of you. As much as it sucks- you’re doing great!! 🥰
Thank you! It’s all an ebb and flow, and I just have to ride it out. And I will. 🙂
So sorry to hear this Kayla, it’s so hard for you. I hope you will feel better soon. The guilty feelings are so hard as you know you have nothing to feel guilty about, but you do anyway. You’re a fabulous loving couple and so generous to share this important and very intimate post x x thank you x
Thank you, Tabitha. ((HUGS))
I love your honesty and how well you know yourself and your body. I know it took a long time to get there. I also very much admire the relationship the two of you have and how you handle life’s interruptions to well made plans.
It all helps that we have a strong base for our relationship. Without that, the rest crumbles. And thank you. I think I write my best when I rip out my heart and hold it in my hand for everyone to see, lol.
Oh my dear friend…. all I can offer are hugs (and soon in person) and you know where I am if you want an ear
And I am SO looking forward to those hugs!
I am so sorry you are going through this, and that your health continues to be a point of concern. Hopefully you will be back to some good weeks and able to have some fun again!
PS: Only a couple of weeks then we see each other again!
Thank you, Rebel! And I can’t wait to see you again!
I have diabetes. This happens to me…. I just can’t …. Then when my levels “level” I still don’t really feel it . I have found that for me I have to just – give into Play-
Even though at the beginning I’m not really into it but then Bang! Then I’m back to my normal kinky self …. I guess kind of like A reboot if you will 🤗
Hope your back to 100% soon
So sorry that it happens to you, but the idea of a reboot is familiar to me. Hopefully I am too. Thank you.
i’m sorry and wish you well
feel better soon
Thank you. 🙂
I always enjoy your posts, as one half of a disabled BDSM couple I draw a knowing from your words. We have had a particularly stressful festive period and my gorgeous partner, like you, has lost her libido due to the stress and what that does to a person. The guilt is etched or her faced but as her Dom I feel useless I can’t make the bad stuff stop and despite telling her its fine I can’t take the guilt she feels away. I hope you feel better saan and thank you for your articles.
Thank you for reading, and I know JB can relate to your guilt. It’s always hard to watch someone you love go through hard times and not really be able to help. But being there is helpful, I promise.
Life plays the cruellest tricks. Point is are you gonna own it ? Or let it own you ? Xx
That is the worst. It’s one thing to choose not to have sex, but to have your own body betray you and get in the way sucks. I’ve been there, and I feel your pain.
It definitely sucks, but I remain ever hopeful. 🙂
This article reflects where we are too. Ours is more stress related than health but as the Dom I feel useless in just offering support. I know my partner carry guilt that her libido has disappeared. Thanks Kayla for highlighting a subject that lots have to deal with. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you, and stress can definitely be very debilitating, too.
Chronic pain is such a pain in the ass! It has created issues in my marriage/sex life as well. Sir has severe early onset Arthritis (similar to Rheumatoid) that causes him a lot of discomfort. Finding the right medication was a roller coaster as well. Some meds made him grumpy, some made him an apathetic zombie. Luckily he’s finally found something that has worked consistently for several years, but things were REALLY rocky for a long time. I hope you’re able to figure this out soon!!
I am so glad y’all were able to figure it out and get past that point. I’m hopeful I’ll be able to do that, too eventually.
Much love. <3
Oh Kayla. I hate this for you, but know how much energy chronic anything can sap. I hope you get the right answers for your problems so you can get much needed relief, and your drive back. Where you are with it is where you need to be, and John is wonderful for being supportive/understanding. I’d say no room for guilt, but also know that’s not how it works. Hugs
Thankfully, it’s a cycle, and I’m in a better place today than last week. But yes, thank goodness for JB who gets me through it all.
I hope you can get the issue figured out.
We’re working on it. 🙂
I can relate so much. My Mr has MS and this is us. I hope things work out for you soon.