Every Damn Day in June Wicked Wednesday

Not Everything Has to Be Black and White

yes and no in black and white

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I often say that very little in life is black or white to me but a (pardon the phrase) shade of gray. Yes, of course, certain things are very clear.

Murder is wrong. So is assault, physical or sexual. As is pedophilia, abuse, racism, and anything that violates the rights, consent, and physical person of another human being. We can all make lists, ad nauseam, of things we can say for certain are right or wrong.

But so many more things are dependent. They depend upon the circumstances, our past, the time of day, the weather, the direction the wind blows.

Gender, sexuality, and kink is a spectrum. There is no right or wrong.

There is no single way to be a top or Dominant, a bottom or submissive.

We have no one way to communicate or even to consent. You might say “Yes” and I may nod my head or give John Brownstone a certain grin or or or or…

We all do many of the same things different from the people around us.

It’s overused phrase, but we are all unique at some level. I understand the thinking that if everyone is unique then none of us are. But that’s just another oversimplification. Black and white is too simple, too. We’re neither all the same nor all completely different from anyone else.

Human beings and the lives we lead are way too complex for such simple explanations. Yes, we have more in common than we realize. Sometimes we see our differences as barriers we can’t cross, falsely believing we won’t understand each other. And yes, we each have our own variations. The way I do something isn’t the way you might do it, but both ways are equally valid.

I get why people like to reduce Twitter arguments, sex and BDSM, and politics and religion into binary choices. Yes or no. This or that. It feels easier to say one thing is always this and another is always that. Except it’s rarely true.

It also feels better to be on a side, preferably the winning side. Except you can’t always “win.” And what does winning mean if people are at each other’s throats, refusing to see the other side’s humanity?

We live in stressful times. Every day, there seems to be another dumpster fire in the news. Another day, another lawmaker or business trying to stifle our voices, shut us out, and make the world of sex disappear. And very real people are impacted by these things.

We all have a right to be very angry.

But even in the midst of anger and frustration, I want to understand the other side. Even if I don’t agree with it. Even when I can’t understand how another human being can believe and think the way they do. How can we ever really counter something if we don’t understand what someone thinks or how they feel? I’m not fool enough to believe that changing minds is easy, but when we assert this side is good and that side is bad, we miss so many opportunities to reach the real people in the middle who are muddling through and not thinking about the issue as much as we are.

People like me get a reputation for being wishy-washy, unwilling to take a stand, unable to “fight.”

Understanding that there’s another side doesn’t stop me from having strong opinions. Seeing the other side’s humanity doesn’t mean I agree with their views. Knowing that in another life and another set of circumstances I may believe differently doesn’t stop me from holding true to my values.

Not every choice is binary. Not everything is black and white. The world needs more nuance and subtly, even though it can be the hardest part of making an argument for what you believe.

For the record, I’m not speaking of any particular issue, Twitter argument, or set of politics. It’s more a general statement about how I see the world. 

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • This is so spot on! I am exactly the same, and always try and see all sides whatever the situation or event, so I can identify completely with what you are saying. Thank you.

  • You hit the nail on the head. Even if every single human being on the planet had the same exact experience growing up, they would still perceive it differently. I wish we could learn how to talk about things without turning it into a dumpster fire.

    • I wish we could, too. And I understand why people get passionate about their arguments. Some topics fire us up and rightly so, but there comes a point when it stops being productive and becomes useless.

  • Just commented on the very same topic on Wriggly Kitty’s blog! Creating false binaries is super harmful to democratic discourse and to our sense of empathy and humanity.

  • There always comes a point where you have to say ‘I have my opinion, you have yours.’ and walk away. Constructive debate is a great thing, but reiterating the same arguments over and over doesn’t benefit anyone. We can’t always win, we don’t have to. There’s no shame in agreeing to disagree, I feel.

    • I agree. Many discussions have ended with exactly that sentiment and I managed to maintain friendships and business relationships despite the differences. And some people aren’t meant to be our friends or colleagues, but we can still be civil.

  • Absolutely AMEN to this. I don’t have to agree with someone else, but I can at least listen to what they have to say, and respect their right to have their own views and ways and opinions, just like I have mine.

    Rebel xox

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