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My semi-joking desires for a “Dominant girlfriend” are starting to feel less like a silly joke…
I grabbed a workout mat from the stack by the wall and looked around for an open space. Close to the wall and away from people. I wanted to stretch not make small talk or feel crowded.
As it happens when I’m at the gym, I kept a neutral expression on my face and my eyes slightly down. It’s easier to perv the crowd and people watch.
On the treadmill, it’s easier. I scan the crowd from far away, watching people on the weight machines, knowing they can’t see me. From this vantage point I can watch the people in front of me, too. Most of the time my eyes scan across the crowd, simply noting who I see before thinking of other things.
Certain people almost always catch my attention…
A shiny bald head and broad shoulders over in the free weight area. I always love how he takes time to talk to the (mostly) elderly crowd.
Thick biceps and wide thighs over in the ab area. Dark skin, serious expression. Yes, please!
The rhythmic jiggle and bounce of a round ass on the woman using the elliptical in front of me.
As a mostly (I think) hetero woman with a clear love for John Brownstone, staring at hot guys at the gym isn’t exactly unque. I have no desire to talk to any of them. Wouldn’t know what to say even if I did.
But watching women, and only some women, throws me off. Where did this come from? What does it mean?
Back to the stretch area and my mat. I staked out my spot and tried to pretend my mouth didn’t water at the sight of two women stretching nearby. They were young and fit. They were solid women with definite muscle tone but lush curves too. Round ass, dip in the waist, slightly soft but flat stomach. And I might have found religion in yoga pants – not mine, theirs.
Am I attracted to all women?
I glanced over at a sinewy woman, long and lean, across the way. Instead of feeling nothing, as I expected, I felt whatever the opposite of desire is. Nope. Not her.
Thankfully I kept it all in my head.
The two younger women fascinated me. I watched the way their bodies moved, impressed by their flexibility. (For once, the thoughts weren’t totally pervy. I wished I could bend like them.)
Feeling foolish and uncomfortable with my own interest, I looked away and told myself to stop being weird while also being grateful I’m capable of some subtlety.
A few minutes later, they left and as I watched them go (from the corner of my eye) another woman walked into the area.
I don’t know what her body looked like. She was fit and small but I didn’t check out her ass or watch her stretch.
Before I could, she made eye contact and smiled at me. Such directness, especially from strangers, especially when I’m feeling things I don’t understand, unnerves me.
Why was she smiling? Probably just being friendly but considering where my thoughts had been seconds before, my brain didn’t know how to react. Neither did my body.
I shifted uncomfortably and tried to smile back. Blushed. Looked away.
When I looked back, her smile was wider, her eyes brighter.
It was likely a nothing moment for her but it came at a unique time for me.
In the perceived safety of the gym, I allow myself to watch and look, without questioning why certain people catch my attention. They certainly don’t all make me want to look twice. I also don’t hold any false belief that anyone, but especially the people I’m drawn to, notice me in the same way.
I’d be extremely uncomfortable if they did. It’s not something I would know how to handle. All of my stranger danger fears would come to the front to protect me from an uncertain situation.
But why – now and recently – am I focusing on specific women with specific bodies? Especially when I definitely find other body types beautiful?
Am I drawn to their body types as my own ideal?
Is it possible I’m genuinely attracted to them?
Could it be that I’m attracted to the idea of them? And does that mean I’m objectifying them in my head?!
Physical Attraction vs. What Really Matters
So let me be the first to say that being physically attracted to someone means very little to me. I’m incapable of acting on pure physical desire without a hell of lot behind it – mental connection, emotional connection, a genuine like of the other person, feeling like I know who they are, and some gut instinct that tells me they’re (likely) safe. I don’t base my friendships, emotional entanglements, or romantic feelings purely on physical attraction.
Physically beautiful people have become ugly to me too many times because of bad attitudes and behaviors. And, likewise, people who aren’t “traditionally” attractive are some of the most beautiful people I know once I develop feelings for them.
At the same time, I hold no false beliefs in my head about my own physical attractiveness, so it’s not something I base relationships on.
But these aren’t relationships, are they? This is pure, unadulterated desire. For very specific types of bodies. Not individuals that I know and like but what I see in front of me from a distance.
That certainly doesn’t seem like an accurate way to decide what the hell I’m thinking or why I feel this way.
Am I product of unfair and impossible to achieve beauty standards? Do I secretly covet the bodies of the women I see?
I don’t think so.
When I see women that catch my attention, I imagine how soft their skin probably feels. And what their voice might sound like. God knows I’m wondering if they’re kinky (because of course I’m thinking that).
It’s lust and desire, but where is it coming from?
The answer, I think, is that it probably doesn’t really matter, and I should just enjoy the damn moment.
My Joke About Dominant Girlfriends
Lately I’ve cracked a couple of jokes about needing a “Dominant girlfriend.” A Changing Room Interlude by Tits and Test Tubes made me think about it in a joking-not-really-but-let’s-pretend kind of way. Her description of the encounter hit a lot of buttons for me.
My brain latched onto it – the scene, imagining myself in a moment like that. And my body responded accordingly.
While John Brownstone and I are open to the idea of open relationships and being polyamorous, I’ve never seen how it can work practically. Not because it’s a bad idea.
Mostly because I’m “difficult” at the best of times and fucking hard work at the worst. Ask JB, he can tell you.
I recognize how special my relationship is with my Daddy Dom husband, and I know how hard he worked to make me believe in us. A big part of me thinks that kind of care, attention, and effort only comes around once or twice in a lifetime.
I wouldn’t ask or expect anyone else to work nearly as hard as he did, and certainly not in a poly situation.I don’t do half measures and casual has never been a thing that appealed to me. Maybe real life lightning strikes twice but metaphorical lightning has a tougher time.
So yes, when that woman made direct eye contact and smiled, in that strange moment of desire and vulnerability, my submissive brain went into overdrive. And my (very familiar) walls went up – it was instinctual, I think. She was likely just being friendly but I reacted to something else about the moment.
For all my weird desires – that really have me worried about objectifying people’s bodies, gawd I hope I’m better than that – I know that doing anything about it is highly unlikely.
Would he support a “Dominant girlfriend” in my life? Probably, as long as it was healthy, consensual, and something we discussed…
But I think my brain wants the fantasy more than the reality. A woman with a specific form, a specific kink, a specific way of being…who also happens to be open and poly and….
Yeah, I think it’s safe to say this is in the realm of the fantasy…maybe that’s where it needs to stay.
But I still wish I knew what it meant…and what it says about me.
P.S. I say “Dominant girlfriend” but really it’s a top thing. The idea of having a second Dominant who could work seamlessly with the best damn Dominant I know is less likely to happen than me hitting the lottery. But a girlfriend who topped me? Yeah, it has an appeal, for sure.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! The prompt for this week is about “neighbors” and while this clearly isn’t about that, the women in the stretching area were temporary neighbors occupying the same space. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. For actual smut, click below.
What a pleasure It is to be taken through you thought processes as you inwardly debate these newly discovered desires Kayla. It makes me realise that I should perhaps try to spend a bit more time analysing my own thoughts.
I enjoy tromping around in my own brain, thinking about things…and I enjoy typing them all out while I’m doing it, lol. But I definitely recommend that kind of introspection and analysis…you never KNOW what might come of it. 🙂
I love your sensuous and insightful writing.. thank you
I’m glad you like it. 🙂
Fascinating piece of writing Kayla. It really has me intrigued. I loved the glimpses into your everyday life as well as your thought processes/desires. I totally get the yes/no thoughts, the need for far more than physical attraction. What intrigues me most is the sense that this woman really ‘saw’ you. I had moment like that recently I plan to write about soon simply because the encounter was not only rare but it totally threw me too… Life is so interesting…
YES! I did get the feeling she saw me, and it was a powerful moment….and also uncomfortable, lol. I look forward to reading your encounter. 🙂
As you often tell me..”think outside the box” that may well be what you are doing now for yourself.
I hate to make it sound like work, but you’re just gonna have to find a suitable woman somewhere somehow and figure it out. Mr Brownstone can take pictures.
I think that’s part of my hesitation…the effort that would have to go into it. Of course, as a person who freezes up and physically can’t make myself approach another person with whom I might have a sexual or even romantic interest, it’s really probably never going to happen. But if it does, we’ll see if that person consents to pictures, lol.
I used to think the same where I am concerned. I do have an attraction for a certain kind of woman but I feel I am heterosexual. I have analysed it over the years, like you, and fantasised about having such a woman join in with my sexual activities but I think that is where I want it to stay – as a fantasy. I do not think it matters why you may find some women attractive, I put it down to appreciating the beauty of others- and they can be of either sex and inward or outward beauty.
This line is also just so true of me –
“who aren’t “traditionally” attractive are some of the most beautiful people I know once I develop feelings for them.”
Loved that insight into you – almost like you were talking out loud and letting us in on it. Thank you!
JB asked me about this – whether I thought it was just a fantasy or something I want to pursue, and because my reaction was physical, mental, and emotional, I think there might be something to it. But knowing how improbable all of it is (with or without a specific body type), I have a feeling it will stay in the realm of fantasy…which is okay, too. I don’t think anything is missing from my life which is a good thing, lol.
And as for the insight, this is the type of blogging that feels most natural for me. It’s just been a long time since I’ve indulged in it. I do my best thinking between my brain, fingertips, and keyboard. 🙂
Oh I love this ! I love a subtle perv at the gym? but I know you mean, about suddenly being attracted to people you would never of normally liked!
But also I’m just sharing this, I love Dom males and females. No other male Dom is ever going to touch me with out maîtriser being there , telling him what to do. But we have Babe and 3 mistresses that I’m a lowed to play with if maîtriseris someplace else , cos he trust me to not let things get out of hand. But one of my most favourite things ever , in the whole wide world, is when maîtriser sits and watches Babe or One of the mistresses doing things to me that he is telling them what to do!
I am absolutely attracted to tops and Doms first…the power, I think, gets me on a visceral level. I tend to be great friends with subs but haven’t met a submissive that I see in the same way that I do a Dom…but I also won’t rule anything out for sure, lol.
See I can go for submissive women, like little bear and kitten. but not sub males, don’t get me wrong I have so many sub male friends , just not in to them when it comes to anything sexual. Dom Men all the way And Dom women , who have a softer side! But the thing that gets this girl every timeis talking to me like I have brain and treating me with respect!
You are beautiful in touch with your needs………………
This resonates with me so much. Not so much about thinking about a female top, but sometimes I would love to have another Dominant besides Master T. I would always want him to be my Dom, my ‘main Dom’ if you like but sometimes I wish I had another to guide me, to top me. Whether I want that to be a female? Yes, why not. Man or woman, I really wonder how that would be. Maybe I would hate it, but I don’t really think so…
Oops, still wanted to add… Rebel xox
What comes to mind is that if JB and I did what we’ve always done – communicated openly and set expectations – that another top would fill in the gaps of what I need. Both JB and I know that, as much as we fulfill each other, one person can never offer every single solitary thing we might need. Thankfully we both agree that allowing someone else in to do that for us is okay…along certain parameters. My mind has latched onto the idea of a female top but, like you, maybe the right man would be good for me, too.