I find that I’m in a strange place, unfamiliar but not unnerving.
I spend time on Tumblr staring at erotic images but none speak to me. I read blog posts that are highly erotic yet none arouse me.
I think about His hand on my face or on my arm, and my body trembles. I think about the sound of His voice, and I shiver. I think about His kiss when He’s unshaven and scruffy and how it feels against my skin, and my pussy tightens.
He allowed me the pleasure of five orgasms today, and my cunt ached afterwards. A pleasant ache that I knew was caused by Him, although I’m not sure how.
I’m not depressed or falling into my head. I miss Him, of course, but no more than usual. This is different. A sense of calm fills me. Maybe I have finally found serenity in my proper place. Maybe I’ve let go of old fears that weigh me down. Maybe today is simply Wednesday and it doesn’t matter, and Thursday will bring something different.
Nothing I feel is forced. My peace of mind did not come after hours of telling myself why I should have peace of mind. It simply is. My pleasure at hearing His voice over the phone for two minutes is not diminished by the lack of communication during the day. The two minute phone call enhances my pleasure. I know, instinctively, that I am loved, cherished, remembered, and missed. I don’t have to tell myself these things. I don’t have to wonder or worry.
I have never felt so sure and secure. It comes at a time when the world would understand if I felt the opposite. It has been more than two months since we were last together. Although there is an opportunity to see one another soon, I know it is unlikely to happen. While I miss Him and would do anything to be in His presence, the idea of not seeing Him does not scare me. I know that He will still love me, even if it’s from a great distance.
All that being said, regardless of my surety, regardless of my serenity, regardless of the calmness of my demeanor – internal and external, I cannot allow myself to think about the distance or the amount of time that has passed without tears. No great gulping sobs, no shuddering cries. Silent tears that simply mean, “I miss Him.”
I’m in a place I don’t understand, and for once, I don’t think I’ll try to figure it out. But, it is a strange place.