3 Ways to Motivate Yourself in Your D/s Relationship

Can I make a confession? I don’t think it’s something a lot of kinksters, let alone submissives, admit but we should.

Sometimes I just don’t wanna.

I don’t want to make a cup of coffee.

I don’t want to kneel on the floor.

I don’t want to go to bed on time, get up at a certain time, or do a thing, anything.

And no, it doesn’t make me less submissive or committed to John Brownstone. I think it’s entirely normal to not feel like doing things we’re normally happy to do. In my experience, when I’ve lost my motivation, energy, or desire to do my submissive activities and tasks, taking a break and talking it out get me back on track in no time.

Recharge the Batteries

I don’t care who you are or what you do, eventually you’re going to be tired of doing any of it. When it’s something you love – like your kinky partner or your D/s dynamic – this isn’t a sign of impending doom. At least not at first. You probably just need to recharge your batteries.

Burnout happens to everyone once we do something long enough. In the business world, we tell people to take a break or a vacation. I have no desire to do that in my D/s relationship but there are times when I just need to be something other than his willing submissive or the kids’ personal chef and chauffeur.

For me, that means reading a book, going to the gym, watching a favorite show, or anything that allows me to do something I enjoy without being bothered. For those of who do this Dominance and submission thing 24/7 (and love it!), we are who we are (Dom or sub) all the time, but when life and time allow, sometimes we need to do something purely selfish.

And no, being “selfish” when we’re talking self-care isn’t a bad thing.

Focus on the Kinky Fuckery

The times I feel the least motivated are when I’m working on my list of tasks, to-dos, and ongoing responsibilities as a submissive. But when we start talking about kinky sex or playtime, I can find the energy. The only time I’m not interested in some serious kinky fuckery is when I’m sick or tired.

If you start feeling like your kink is focused solely on your responsibilities, it might be time to get a little wild and a lot naked. Like many submissives, a good hair-pull, quick spanking, or hard fuck can put me back in the right headspace and melt most of my tension away.

And, Dominants, y’all have a lot of responsibility too. I get it. All work and no play isn’t good for you either. Sacrifice 30 minutes of sleep or let the dishes stay dirty for a night, but get your kink on and find some sexual release. It might not fully motivate you back into your D/s self but it’ll definitely help.

Talk About How You Feel

Well, hell, this wouldn’t be a Kayla-Lords-kink-piece if I didn’t remind you of one thing: communication. You are not a bad submissive for admitting you really don’t feel like doing something. Dominants aren’t awful for saying they wish they didn’t have to make a decision right now.

Feeling low energy and a lack of motivation to do anything isn’t bad by itself. What causes problems in relationships is when one (or both) of you feel this way and don’t talk about it or do anything to help yourself or each other. A day or two, even a week of just not feeling your kinky self isn’t insurmountable. If you take the time to recharge the batteries or reconnect on a sexual level, you’ll be just fine.

But if you pretend it’s not happening, refuse to talk about, and do nothing to help yourself, you may inadvertently hurt your relationship. Believe me, eventually, your partner will notice something is off. And the longer you continue to do tasks, take responsibility, or whatever you do in your kinky role without a break or admitting you’re struggling, the more resentment is going to build.

On the flip side, your partner is going to wonder what’s wrong with you or why you’re being “lazy.” This can lead to plenty of arguments and misunderstandings. It’s much better to say, “I really don’t feel like doing this (whatever “this” might be) right now.” Talk it out. Decide if it’s something you can do another day. Find a way to re-energize yourself. But don’t pretend you’re not struggling.

Being a “Good” Kinkster

Because John Brownstone and I are 24/7 and because I’m always submissive even when I’m really not feeling it, I’ll continue to be his “good girl” for as long as I can no matter how I feel. This means that even when I’d rather do anything but my tasks, I’ll do them (probably with a bit of whining). For his part, even when he is exhausted or overwhelmed from other parts of life (like work), he’ll still be The Decider in our relationship.

We feel a strong sense of responsibility toward each other and our relationship. It only works when we do our part.

I know this is a good thing, and I certainly benefit from his Dominance. But you can still really not want to do The Things even as you’re doing them. Quite frankly, sometimes my only motivation is the consequences I would face (negotiated and agreed upon), if I didn’t do The Things. Don’t let being a “good girl” or “good boy” or hell, “good Dominant” get in the way of being honest with yourself and your partner.

You can still recharge your batteries in between tasks and responsibilities. You can hate doing a task on a particular night, get your ass beaten in the kinkiest way, and then not remember why you were so annoyed earlier. An honest conversation with your partner can lift a weight off your shoulders that you didn’t even know you were carrying around. Sometimes just the act of admitting a thought or a problem goes a long way to helping you deal with it.

Find what works for you in those low-energy, no motivation moments. Your kink will be better for it.

I’m curious. Has anyone else had this come up in your D/s relationship? How did you handle it? Share in the comments below!

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Personal motivation struggles are the whole reason I asked for a 24/7 D/s domestic discipline relationship. Growing up I learned to feel overly responsible and under capable. There are days when I don’t get anything done because of my physical or mental health and because of our D/s structure I feel less guilty for it. More often I’m able to feel I got *enough* done. Most mornings we do planning so we know the tasks I have for that day and what needs to be done during the week. Simply having my Sir aware of what I’m doing/needing to do helps my motivation a lot. I’ve found self care isn’t very caring when I’m spending the entire time feeling guilty over it. Having his permission to take time for me removes the guilt. Communication is essential in making this work for us.

    • On the days when I struggle the most (especially if anxiety or depression have me), it’s my sense of responsibility and my need to be his “good girl” that gets me up and moving. So very grateful for JB.

      I think D/s itself can be very motivating, especially when it’s a good, solid relationship. 🙂

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