It might not seem like it, after a quick glance around my site, but I actually hesitate to give advice to people, especially kinksters. We’re all so unique and every relationship is different, that it’s hard for me to say, “Do this or don’t do that” in a very specific way.
That being said, I certainly have plenty of ideas for people to try and when I received an email from a podcast listener asking what to do now that she and her husband had agreed to move forward as a D/s couple, the words just flowed out. (I felt kind of bad sending such a long email to someone I didn’t know, lol.)
Now, she asked pretty clearly for a list of what to do next, now that they were both interested and in agreement. I had to disappoint her and say, “I can’t tell you what the next steps are but I can give you a list of things to do, talk about, and think about.”
From that insanely long email, I turned it into the next podcast episode. I don’t even think everything I listed is all that a couple can or should do. So of course, if you’ve “been there, done that” and see something I missed, let me know!
Oh, and for anyone who wonders what the hell…yes, I sponsored my own damn podcast episode. Mama needs shoes…or is it floggers? Maybe I just need more coffee.
From this show:
- Kayla doesn’t have a 1-2-3 step process for relationships transitioning from vanilla to kinky, but she does have 13 things to think about, talk about, and/or do.
- Number 1: Don’t try to do everything that sounds fun all at once.
- Number 2: Don’t worry about what to call your dynamic.
- Number 3: Read as much as you can. Links to recommended resources below.
- Number 4: Keep up the communication and don’t stop.
- Number 5: Get ready to learn whether either of you can handle the word “no.”
- Number 6: Start with one thing.
- Number 7: Make time each day (or nearly so) to talk about how you both feel about what’s going on.
- Number 8: Expect for real life to get in the way sometimes.
- Number 9: Expect to freak out about some of this as you go through it all.
- Number 10: Discuss your personal limits.
- Number 11: For the submissives out there, if you’re unsure where to begin, when in doubt, ask what you can do for your Dominant.
- Number 12: Discuss consequences.
- Number 13: For those considering a contract, if it makes you both feel better to have something formal and official written up, go for it.
The episode page contains all the links referenced in the episode and a full transcript.
Listen to the show:
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I would also add, to get on Fetlife, find the local munch, and go there as a couple and get talking to other couples, who have mostly been in the same position themselves once. There’s nothing better than being able to ask questions, and also hearing about some of the pitfalls others have experienced. I’d go as far to say that if one makes friennds with a particular couple or couples, next time there is an event or a club/dungeon night or party, they are in a position to go as guests with them and have people to observe and also others, and it is something for them to talk about and learn from. Those events often also give them a chance to try out and experience things like ropework, violet wands etc. and other impact equipment in safety with experienced persons. About the most rewarding thing I did was to pluck up the courage to go to my first munch, and have continued to go and to get actively involved in my local community. We have social events like walks, and weekend camps, and it’s a terrific way of not only making real friendships, but learning as well. And having fun doing it.
Very good podcast. I liked it a lot.
Anna, you’re so right. Getting out into the community makes a big difference and it’s a huge learning opportunity. 🙂