Loving Myself the Way He Loves Me #Dominance and #Submission

Daddy has given me many tools to learn to love myself – specifically, my body. I’m pretty comfortable with my intellect, my drive, my ability to parent, and a whole host of other things. But when I look in the mirror, I often cringe.

Each morning, I take a picture of myself in the panties he’s selected for me – or not, if he wants me pantiless – full frontal, no camera or angle tricks allowed. Then, I look in the mirror, stare into my eyes, and say, “I deserve happiness; I will find happiness. I am loved; I am worthy of love. I am a beautiful, vibrant woman.” The first two sentences were given to me as a daily task very early in our relationship – when it was less about sex and kink and more about mending a shredded heart. The last is more recent. I used to mumble the words or avert my gaze. Now, I feel almost defiant when I say the words, as if I’m waiting for someone (myself, most likely) to contradict the words.

Just before Christmas, I stopped officially “dieting” and calorie counting. I still workout and strive to eat as healthfully as possible, but I don’t make weight loss a goal. I’m trying, albeit at a snail’s pace, to accept the body I have. He tells me all the time that he adores my body as it is, that I’m beautiful and sexy. (For the record, I stopped dieting because no matter what I did, I couldn’t lose weight and I was too stressed out about it.)

Here’s the thing, when I’m with him, I don’t even think about my body. I don’t worry about the roll of fat when I sit or bend over. I don’t think about the dimples on my ass and thighs. All I notice is the feel of his skin on mine. I become more than the sum of my parts. When I picture myself in my mind’s eye, I see a wanton, erotic being – loose limbs, soft skin. I don’t see extra weight or additional padding.

When Daddy leaves, there’s a residual effect for two or three days when I still see myself in that dewy glow of sex and love. But eventually that passes, and I see only the stark reality of what I really look like. Some days are better than others. Some days I see nothing but soft, rounded curves. Other days aren’t so good, and I see every extra pound, every roll, every dimple, everything I hate.

Still, I try. I don’t count calories, although Daddy now has a lot more control over what I eat. I workout because it’s good for my stress levelsΒ and my body. And I take pictures of myself in different poses and lighting, trying desperately to see the beauty he sees. I want to love myself the way that he does. I desperately want to see what he sees.

In case you wonder what the hell this has to do with Dominance and submission (D/s), let me clue you in. A good Dominant in a loving relationship strives to build up the submissive, to help make them the best they can be. This isn’t about changing someone to suit their needs (although, that can and does happen in some relationships). This is about loving someone and lifting them up, not bringing them down.

The idea is often that by bad-mouthing themselves, a submissive is not pleasing their Dominant. By not loving themselves or seeing their own beauty, they’re doubting the word of their Dominant. And that’s never acceptable.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Very well put Kayla… This is why my Sir picks out my clothes for me, he wants me to look and feel my best. He has helped me see, and I’m struggling typing the word beautiful here, how attractive I can be. I’m a work in progress tho…:)

      • The most hurtful thing my future-ex-husband ever said to me was “there is nothing sexually appealing about you.” Just typing that puts me in tears again.

        I was anorexic when he met me. Living, eating, childbirth, and stress have all taken their toll. Sometimes I think the cure for the anorexia is worse than the disease, because i have screwed up my metabolism so badly.

        I am working on losing weight now, for me. True love would have helped me, but I’ll do it on my own. Anything less than success would be to admit that he was right. In the end, I will be more desirable and he will still be stupid… and alone!

        Ladies – i need a chat session with ya’all after writing that πŸ™
        I don’t need a pity party, I just need to connect with people who get me and ya’all are it!

        I almost went back and erased the whole thing.
        I debated a long time before hitting the submit button.

        • PP… I’m not availble to chat tonight but please know you are among friends. All if us I’m sure have had hurtful things like that said to us at one time. It’s devastating to hear but it isn’t true. You are welcome to email me as well or contact me via FL.

        • I’m glad you didn’t erase it. This is a safe place to post stuff like that, and the chat room is even safer. I won’t be on tonight, but you can always email me. ((HUGS))

          And he’s a dick and an idiot.

        • PP it is hard to write those things but getting that vileness out is helpful. No pity parties here, just hugs and support. Wish I had seen this earlier in the weekend. We all have our insecurities. You keep sharing and thinking positively.

  • I blame it on “Barbie”, a wholly unatainable body type, yet so ingrained in my childhood, that no matter how much reassurance my sir gives me, I still secretly believe that no man will find me attractive and desirable unless I look like her. There… that’s out…it’s very destructive and I’m working on changing it.

    • ((HUGS))

      Confession time: Part of my closet exhibitionism isn’t sexual or kinky, it’s an all-consuming desire to either have my fears confirmed and finally have the “proof” that I’m ugly and fat OR to have someone who’s truly objective admire my body so I can finally believe that people who don’t love me think I’m attractive. God, I’m SUCH a fucking masochist.

  • Kayla…. It’s as if you have crawled inside my head and spoke the words racing around inside it. I started a medical weight loss last April. I quickly shed 15 pounds, then the next 15 came off much, much more slowly, with the last five a struggle of months. And now I fight the desire to continue the battle. But the sagging boobs, my scar from a c-section with the roll of fat above it, to the extra junk in the trunk, just has taken its tole on my mind. So I totally get what your saying friend. I hold onto the excitement that I feel in the dress and pant size that is 4 sizes smaller than last April. But mostly I celebrate every single compliment I’m given, or positive word my Sir utters in praise of my body, or my job well done! But sometimes so hard to see what they see! But we keep trying…..

    Do you have fitness pal on your phone? Maybe we should start a support group of subbie buddies on there to offer encouragement? I bet Peep would join us!

    Love and hugs friend! Mynx

    • I haven’t used FitnessPal in a while, but I do have it.

      When I lost the first 88 pounds, I felt amazing. I could see where there was more I wanted to lose, but I was just ecstatic to be where I was at the time. Then I gained 10-15 lbs back and that’s where I’m at right now. And when left to my own devices, all I see are the imperfections. When my MONTHS of weight loss efforts failed, I had to stop going down that path because all I felt was self-loathing at my failure to succeed at weight loss a second time.

      We’re all works in progress and I’m looking at gaining acceptance and love of the body I have as part of my submission to Daddy. He loves me as is – how can I do any less than that?

      • Come join us Kayla…. Peep and I are on as of this morning. And we are waiting for anyone else to join in the encouragement. You know Peep is an ex athlete, maybe she would consider throwing out a semi monthly fitness challenge for us! Peep?

  • It’s tough out there. You just gotta do your best and hang in tight with your friends and loved ones around you. Don’t be too hard on yourself… set little goals and take little steps… they often lead to big things :0)

    • Very true. Right now, the goal is to not care what the scale says. I haven’t stepped on it in weeks, but every once in a while, I’m tempted – except I know how the number makes me feel.

      • I care more about how my clothes look and what I see in the full length mirror and what Sir thinks than I am about a number, but I’m tracking numbers again to help me reach my goal.

        • I realized part of my body image problem was that I was wearing clothes that didn’t fit well anymore. So with a limited budget, I’m slowly fixing that problem. Even if the number on the tag isn’t the one I’d like, I prefer wearing clothes that look good on me which makes me feel infinitely more attractive. πŸ™‚

          • Kayla, my Sir helped me find designers whose clothes fit me and now we only buy from those 3 or 4. It has saved me a lot of grief over trying things on that don’t fit. Also like men’s clothes, things need to to shortened or fitted a bit too. I don’t have a lot if clothes but what I do have fits and looks good πŸ™‚

          • I agree…. The clothes can make you feel like a million bucks if they fit properly, and are flattering! The tag doesn’t really mean a thing! It’s all about how they make you feel!

  • It is, sadly, a universal fact among white women in our society. Very few of us have escaped the socialization to feel ‘less than’ in regard to our bodies. I was amazed to discover that, in a group of women with what appeared to me to be smokin hot bodies, none of them were able to look in the mirror and love themselves.
    Keep fighting the good fight.

    • ((HUGS)) You’re right. I’ve seen women with bodies I’d kill for berating themselves for fat that my eyes couldn’t detect.

      Sometimes I have to remind myself that there are women right now working hard to have the body I have…if it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for me? Ya know?

  • God!!! You girls crawled RIGHT into my head!! I’ve been exercising regularly since last April and depressingly very little post baby weight came off although my clothes fit differently. In the last 3 months stress has helped me shed 30 lbs!! I’ve got to find a way to keep that off and lose another 40ish. I want to do it right so I can maintain it. I am at high risk for diabetes so I am incentivized. I dress to flatter so no one would ever believe the number on the scale but it taunts me. Mr. HH does not see it at all. I’m working on seeing me how he sees me.

    • I stay away from the scale for that reason. I don’t need the taunting. Dressing in the most flattering way is an excellent thing – no one needs to know what the number on the scale is but you.

      • I am like you in that I hate to get on it but it taunts me. At my heaviest, I decided I could either be fat and look dumpy or be fat and wear the most awesomely flattering clothes around. I ruthlessly purged my closet of ill fitting stuff and slowly added new pieces. I chose things that would be staples with other things so I could stretch my wardrobe and dollar farther. It made me feel so much better. Then last year Mr. HH decided he was tired of my boring underwear and found a source for buxom girls. It made all the difference. God I love that man.

  • PP…. Wondering if we had the same ex husband, as mine uttered those same words to me verbatim! Girl I think we all can understand your hurt and pain! When my Sir found me 22 years ago my self esteem was shredded, and he spent months helping me feel worthy and sexy! Don’t ever stop your quest for happiness… You are among friends! You can email me anytime too! And please join us on the fitness pal! Maybe we can all help and encourage each other!

  • “In case you wonder what the hell this has to do with Dominance and submission (D/s), let me clue you in. A good Dominant in a loving relationship strives to build up the submissive, to help make them the best they can be.”

    Yes to this! That’s what a great partnership is about, be it D/s or otherwise — it’s about building each other up to be the best we can be. πŸ™‚

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