What Information Do New Kinksters Need Most?

My wheels are always spinning. Sometimes that’s a good thing, and new ideas are brought to life. Sometimes, it’s a not-so-good thing, and the only thing that calms me down is a good spanking. Mmmm, spankings…


Wait? What are we talking about?

Oh yeah, my spinning wheels. Thanks to the writing I’ve been doing lately and the podcast episodes (Loving BDSM – have you listened to an episode yet??), I’m hearing from a lot of new people. They’re either new to BDSM and have a million questions or they’ve been at this a while and wish there were things they’d known in the beginning. Hearing different perspectives is always interesting and sometimes sad (especially when you hear about the predators or simply the mistakes people make).

At the same time, I’m looking at different ways of reaching more people to help them learn more about BDSM. Marketing techniques. Educational products. Books. You name it – it’s all swimming in my head. (It’s a little murky in there. Not a lot of breathing room. The file cabinets are filling up pretty fast. It’s scary in my head…and no where near as organized as I’d like.)

And then something new catches my attention…squirrel!

pin cushion masochist


I was fortunate to find BDSM and D/s relationships in a gentle, non-threatening way. I didn’t get involved with any crazies from Fetlife. I never responded to the assholes who demand submission through an anonymous message. I didn’t have a partner to try and convince. And I never read 50 Shades of Grey. No, I don’t think I’m smarter than anyone else…just damn lucky, that’s all.

Help Me Help New Kinksters

When I’m trying to figure out what new kinksters might need most, I’m at a slight disadvantage. I know what I think they need, but since I was led in much of this, I don’t know what someone might wish they had known in the early days.

naps and spankings

That’s where I need your help.

Whether you discovered BDSM five minutes ago or 15 years ago, what are some things you wish you had known or had access to from the very beginning?

Think hard…and then, if you don’t mind, please answer the poll below. You’ll be helping me more than you know – and possibly a few newbie kinksters, too.

Choose as many options as you want, and please feel free to add to the list.

[yop_poll id=”6″]

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Hi Kayla, Just wanted you to know I do read and now listen to you (your podcasts are great, by the way). I think it would be cool to have a forum or chat room that felt more like a coffee shop instead of a meat market. 😀

    • I might know a place. A friend of mine is creating a new site and people I know and trust are the moderators. Once it’s up and running, I’ll be pimping it like hell. 🙂

  • TBH (and I know I was quite lucky in that my early explorations were wonderful fun with no bad experiences at all) what I *really* needed when I first discovered kink was MORE MONEY. I needed more clothes to pass dresscode with, I needed more cash for cab fares home as a lot of clubs were in places too far off the night bus route, I needed beer money, etc.
    But I am a little uncomfortable with the idea that everyone starting to explore BDSM needs ‘teaching’ or their hands held. We are mostly functional adults by the time we get into kink. Some people will have been doing it happily and safely at home for decades before they connect with any kind of fetish community. Other than a little practical advice when necessary (eg breath play or elaborate bondage equipment) people CAN manage to work out for themselves what they do and don’t like.

    • Thanks for the comment. More money would make our kinky lives more fun, as well. 🙂

      I hope I wasn’t suggesting that people need hand-holding because I don’t believe that at all. But for some of us (myself included) before we ever dip our toes into the water, what we want/need is a lot of information. For those who identify as Dom or sub, we need to know this is normal and we’re not deviants. Some want to know what’s “typical” behavior or “typical” in the lifestyle. Too many more have been burned by exploring and they’re afraid to try again. What those people may want or need is a good repository of information that they can actually trust.Yes, the information is out there, but it takes a bit of research. Some people may want it to be easier to find – at least that’s my hunch. 🙂

  • As someone once said: “I am a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the more of it I seem to have”. We tend to ascribe luck to our achievements that in fact result from our merits.

  • I recently discussed with my husband trying D/s in our relationship. I think I’m a submissive and think that it might be just what we need. He is definitely up for it. The struggle that I’m having is that so much seems very intense and I’m super nervous. Do you have advice about how to be in the moment of not knowing what will be asked of you and not passing out from hyperventilating? We haven’t even tried it yet and I’m getting cold feet (and it’s my idea!).

    • I have more information on another website that might be helpful ( but a few things:

      It’s normal to be nervous the first few times you do anything.
      Whether you want to be D/s in the bedroom only or in other parts of your life, nothing should happen for the first time until you’ve both talked about what you want, don’t want, like, are interested in, or what you aren’t interested in.
      Always start slow and small – maybe he tells you to do something (like undress or bend over the bed) – and see how you like it. Sometimes we like the idea of some part of D/s, but the reality is MUCH different.

      Before you do anything, make sure you’ve communicated a lot and you trust your husband to do what he believes you want – he should also be prepared to check in with you during the moment. It won’t kill the mood if he leans in and whispers, “Want me to keep going?”

      Have a safeword or gesture or something to let him know if what you’re doing is too much, painful, bad, or otherwise needs to stop NOW.

      But truly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The very first part is to figure out what you both want to happen within D/s – sexy or otherwise – and to make sure you’re on the same page regarding your expectations about it.

      And like I said before, it’s normal to be nervous the first time. You know won’t know if it’s something you really want until you start trying things out. 🙂

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