Be shocked, with everything going on, I’ve been a little introspective lately. As someone who spends too much time in my head, the idea that I could be any more introspective is frightening.
One thought leads to another and then to another, and next thing you know, I’m off somewhere completely different than where I started. That happened to me between last night and today.
I started thinking about my love for him (including my little girl hurt feelings because I can’t have what I want). This lead me to thinking about the love I felt in the past. That lead me to thinking about how I love. Which ultimately brought me to a long mental conversation with the men from my past.
If I could tell them something about myself now, I think I know what I would say:
Listen up, deadbeat ex husband who took me for granted for 12 long fucking years. And you, the guy before him who tried to make me feel guilty about my own sexuality. Oh, and you, the guy after who walked away and never said a word because you were afraid.
Do you have any idea what you walked away from? What you took for granted? What you never knew you had?
I’m a woman who loves with my entire being. My love flows out of every pore. It begins within my soul. You could have had the world, and you let it slip away.
I give everything that I am. I sacrifice. I lose sleep. I worry. I hurt when you hurt. Not because I think I’m supposed to. Not because I want your admiration. Fuck that. I do it because that’s what you do when you love someone.
I bestow my smiles, my laughter, my passion, my sexuality on the one I love, the one I adore. You didn’t know what you had. You only had about a tenth of who I am, what I am.
I would have walked over hot coals for you. I would have walked through a burning building for you. I worked, sacrificed, and cried for you. I twisted myself in knots for you.
You probably thought my affection was easy to come by or that all women love like that. You were wrong on so many levels.
When I love, all I ask in return is love and affection. I don’t care about material possessions. I don’t care about how much money you make. I don’t care about the car you drive. I don’t care. I care about love. I care about being cherished, respected, admired, protected, loved.
You, dumbass boys, pissed it away. You used me up until I was empty, and even then, I tried to give more. Until I stopped.
And then you noticed, didn’t you? Then you realized what you lost. Then you wanted it back. Too fucking bad. I’ve learned to be more selective in who receives my love. I learned what it means to be loved in return – and I realize now just how lacking you were.
You wanted it to stay free and easy. You depended on me to fulfill every emotional and physical need you had, never realizing I had my own, never caring.
In my capacity to love, I had no problem fulfilling those needs. I yearned for it, without realizing it. I want the man I love to be the center of my universe. I want to dote on the man I love, bringing him happiness whenever I can. I want to be the soft place to crash into when life gets too rough or scary. I want to be the sounding board for every life changing idea and event. I want to soothe tired muscles and a weary mind and heart. I want to bend to the will of someone stronger than me. I want to give every bit of who I am. That is my love.
You never knew what you had, and you will never get it back. You are not worthy of it, you probably never were.
There is one who is worthy of it. I don’t know if he realizes that or not. I don’t know if he understands the depth of my love. I don’t know if he has room in his heart for it. I don’t know if he trusts it. But I know he’s worthy of it. He has my love.
You, all of you, are just idiots. But I thank you for one thing. Without your inattention, your selfishness, your lack of affection, I would never know just how good I had it for a brief moment in time. I would never know just what I’m willing to do for real love. Thank you for the hard knocks and the life lessons.
And that folks, probably says it all!
🙂 Thank you…it’s been rattling around in my head all day…I feel a little better now that I’ve said it…
🙂 Thank you.
You’re blog is amazing as always……
Awwww, thank you!
sorry to hear about your past experiences, hope you will eventually have true love!
Me too…I think I have it…just waiting for the right time…
Dear Kayla, I love this fabulous fabulous submissive woman in you so much.
A wonderful exposition of how ‘we boys’ mess it up.
Somebody, somewhere, is a very lucky person.
Even if he does not know it yet.
Or even if he does not know you yet.
I would like to believe that…maybe one day I will…
A wonderful testament on how you became the woman you are today. 🙂
Thank you. 🙂
I’m a firm believer that our experiences make us who we are, and I have no regrets. I’m just glad I could learn from the past.
Learning form the past is an accomplishment to be proud of, some never do learn.
Unfortunately, many never do…
you my dear are an amazing woman…I love reading your words
Thank you. You are very sweet to say that.
Thank you, friend…that’s sort of how I felt when I posted it…
you deserve nothing but the best to love like that. don’t change your heart…
Never again will I…thank you…
I love this. Its true not every woman will love like that. I mean I know for me it is not something I can just do…it takes me a while to open up and love like that. So you should have the best and not settle for less. 🙂
It takes a while for me to let my guard down and trust someone…and because it’s so rare, once I do, I love with my whole heart…I just didn’t realize I was so poorly used until I received the same kind of love in return…which probably explains part of why I refuse to give up on it just yet…I know it’s a rare thing to love and be loved like that…
Yes it is very rare. I wouldnt give up either….I know with my SO I would not give up. I hope all goes well for you 🙂
Thank you, me too…