There are two things about BDSM – whether it’s the kinky sex, the crazy scenes, or the D/s relationship aspect – that matter most in my mind. The first, as I’ve said ten ka-jillion times, is consent and communication. Those go hand-in-hand. You can’t have one without the other.
The other thing? The thing that when I see violated makes my head want to explode like a volcano with my brains leaking out everywhere?? That thing is kink-shaming. I expect it from those who see BDSM as abuse. I expect it from those who barely understand their own sexuality; our kinky ways must seem threatening (even though I’m not sure how or why). But I don’t tolerate it from the BDSM community.
When I discovered BDSM, the coolest part (other than the kinky sex) was that everyone I met accepted others as they were. I never heard someone tell me or anyone else that they were doing it “wrong.” All kinksters were welcome as long as they respected the basic premises of BDSM.
I never heard anyone being shamed for their kinky ways until I started spending more time online. Holy fucking hell. There are plenty of people in this world who are happy to jump in and tell you how wrong you’re doing it. What is the basis for their “superior” wisdom? Their own kinks. That’s it.
Well, here’s a quick lesson that the best and wisest kinksters I know have taught me. Are you ready for it? Do you think you can handle it? Here goes…
Your Kink Isn’t My Kink, but Your Kink is Okay or YKIMKBYKIOK (that’s a long fucking acronym, y’all).
What that means is I don’t give a shit what you do in the privacy of your relationship and your bedroom. You don’t have to be kinky like me in order for your kink to be the “right” kink. All you need is one thing – consent of all parties involved.
Like to eat mashed potatoes off of your lover’s cock? Not my thing, but it’s cool.
Want to let your sweetie pee down your throat? To me, that’s gross. To you, that’s good. As long as your sweetie likes it, what does it have to do with me?
Think a light tap on the ass is the kinkiest thing ever? Live that kinky lifestyle, my friend!
To anyone who thinks they know how others should have kinky fun, who the hell put you in charge? The thing I love, live, and preach about BDSM is about how open this community is and can be. We embrace people from all walks of life – gay, straight, transgender, whatever. (For the record, the first transwomen I ever met – to my knowledge – were in the lifestyle.)
I, for one, am not going to let Judgy McJudgersons tell me how to be my kinky badass self. And neither should you.
When someone questions your kink, think these things to yourself:
- Do I have consent from my partner?
- Is it safe? Am I putting my partner at unneccessary risk? Are they aware of the risks? Have I been trained to do this? (Before you go poking someone with a needle or hitting them with an object, please learn how to do it safely.)
- Am I hurting (non-consentually) anyone else?
If you can answer those questions with clear conscience, I say go for it. And tell the kink-shamers and the haters to kiss your ass.
Do we all have plenty to learn from one another? Absolutely.
Are there rules to follow in BDSM? Yep.
But no one has the right to make you feel bad about your kinks simply because they don’t look like someone else’s kinky lifestyle. Period.
Y, oh Y, oh-Y-oh-Y. Okay, couldn’t help myself.
Some topics just jump out at you, and on the day of Y of Spanking A to Z, as well as the last week of Adult Sex Ed Month, you had to know my “Y” was going to be Your Kink Isn’t My Kink, But Your Kink is OK.